14 Weeks Pregnant: Thursday, July 6th, 2017

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I went out and bought a plastic bucket. (OK, it was really a bowl, but calling it a bowl wouldn’t allow me to make that hilarious joke in the title of this post, so…) It was my first ever pregnancy-related purchase, and I get that it’s a bit of an unusual one, but the thing is, I was terrified of morning sickness. Terrified. I was mostly terrified of actually throwing up, obviously (I wouldn’t say I have a phobia of vomit, and, I mean, I know no one actually ENJOYS it, but I do have a big fear of it, and just can’t bear to even LOOK at it, or it just makes me want to… well, to throw up, really. I’ll just pause here while you all race to the comments section to tell me about how I’ll soon be surrounded by baby vomit ALL THE TIME, LOL! I know. I am honestly really worried about this, but that’s other angst-ridden blog post for another time…), but I was also fairly paranoid about throwing up in a place other than the bathroom, and ending up caught up in a helpless, never-ending cycle of vomiting, SEEING the vomit, vomiting again, and so on and so forth, world without end.

In order to avoid this situation, I knew I’d have to make sure I always either:

a) Threw up directly into the toilet, keeping my eyes closed at all times.

b) Threw up into my trusty plastic bucket, which I could then just empty into the toilet, with my eyes closed.

or

c) Threw up into some other receptacle, which I could then just dispose of. With my eyes closed, natch.

(My 2nd pregnancy-related purchase? Sick bags. Or ‘Poorly Pouches‘ as they are oh-so-cutely called. I keep some in the car, and some in my handbag at all times. ‘Be Prepared’ is my motto. Well, that and ‘Keep Your Eyes Closed While You’re Throwing Up, Yo.’)

So I bought me a bucket, and the bucket has lived next to my bed for almost three months now, apart from those times when I chose to descend to the living room or office, when the bucket would come with me, my faithful plastic companion. I even took it to my parents’ house one time, even although I knew my mum would take its presence there as a slight upon her own sick bowl-providing abilities, and want to get me a bigger, BETTER bowl of her own. And she did. (I’m pleased to report that I never actually had to USE either the bowl or the sick bags, because I always managed to make it to the bathroom just in time, but just knowing they were there if necessary was a comfort to me…)

Anyway, today, at 14 weeks pregnant, I finally retired the sick bowl, taking it on its final (I HOPE) journey down to the kitchen, where it will now live out its days as just a regular bowl, with regular bowl duties. It will probably forget all about the time it spent as Sick-Bowl-in-Waiting, but I will never forget IT, and that’s the main thing, isn’t it? From all of this you will gather that the nausea has finally started to recede. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’ll make an instant comeback as soon as it knows the bowl is gone, but the fact that I currently feel confident enough to move around my house without the fear of throwing up at any second is a big improvement for me, so long may it continue.

In other news, everyone keeps telling me that, now that I’m in the 2nd trimester, I can expect my skin, hair and nails to all be totally FABULOUS now. Naturally, then, I woke up this morning with a giant zit on my forehead, for the first time in years. I have named it Trevor.

Poorly Pouch - bag for morning sickness14 Weeks, 2 Days – Saturday, July 8th, 2017

Yesterday Trevor and I spent a few hours out shopping –  my longest time on my feet and out of the house since May, basically. It was for a sponsored post, but it was a lot of fun, and so good to feel like “myself” again, and just be out doing normal, non-pregnancy, non-anxiety-related things. OK, I had a few little wobbles when I went into some of my favourite stores and realised that none of their clothes will fit me right now (and probably not EVER, if everything I’ve been told about post-partumn body shapes is anything to go by…), but for the most part I felt absolutely fine – so much so that, when I got home, I went out into the garden and did some much-needed weeding, before collapsing in front of the TV and eating my way through the contents of the fridge, even although we’d JUST been out for lunch. I guess you could safely say the nausea has receded, then…

Of course, it didn’t take long for the worry to set in, as I all-of-a-sudden realised that I felt totally NOT PREGNANT, and hey, you know who else feels NOT PREGNANT? PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT PREGNANT, that’s who. And yes, yes: I know lots of people say they don’t feel particularly pregnant during the 2nd trimester, but I really didn’t think that would happen to me, and, if it did, I definitely didn’t think it would be happening this soon. So, yeah, now I’m worrying about NOT feeling ill: SERIOUSLY, BODY.

On that note, I’ve had quite a few people suggest I buy a doppler monitor, so I can listen to the baby’s heartbeat at home, and get some reassurance from that. It’s a great idea, but I’ve actually been advised against it, because of my health anxiety: woe! Basically, health anxiety is a form of OCD – which probably sounds a bit odd, until you realise that it’s really just an obsessive compulsion to worry about health and repeatedly check symptoms, at which point it makes perfect sense.

In my case, I suspect a doppler would really just feed my OCD tendencies, and that I’d want to use it constantly for reassurance, and then completely freak out if I wasn’t able to hear the heartbeat for some reason. With the ultrasounds I’ve had, I basically work myself up into a fear-pitch of almost-intolerable anxiety beforehand, and then am only reassured by them while I’m having the ultrasound: the second I leave the room, the worry comes back, and I just think, “Well, I know it was OK a few minutes ago, but what about NOW?” So, yeah, I really think a doppler would have the potential to cause me a lot of anxiety…but never say never, right?

maternity outfits roundup: navy James Perse dress

[James Perse dress*; ASOS cardigan; Kate Spade wedges*]

14 Weeks, 4 Days – Monday, July 10th, 2017

This week I think the reality of this pregnancy has really started to hit me, thus opening up a whole new world o’worry that has hitherto been unexplored. Until now, I’ve been so focused on all of the things that could go wrong, that I haven’t really allowed myself to consider the possibility that things might go RIGHT, but now? Well, now I’m STILL very focused on all of the things that could go wrong, but I’ve also started to consider the possibility that, HOLY HELL, I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO PUSH A LIVE HUMAN OUT OF MY BODY, and won’t that be fun? Not. And then, of course (Assuming I don’t die in childbirth, which I almost certainly will…) I will then have a LIVE HUMAN to look after. Forever. And ever. Which is scary, no? I mean, setting aside for the moment the small, but important, fact that I don’t have a clue how babies actually work, I keep thinking that one day that baby will be a child, and then a teenager (TEENAGERS SCARE ME), and then, finally, an adult. This raises all kinds of worries. For instance:

  • What if it doesn’t like me? Plenty of people don’t after all. What if MY OWN CHILD is one of them?
  • What if I don’t like IT?
  • What if I DO like it, but then, as soon as it’s old enough, it’s all, “Catch you later, mum, I’m off to live in Bali!”
  • What if it marries a really bitchy girl (I’m 100% convinced it will be a boy, for no other reason than that boys run in Terry’s family. We have five nephews and one niece; Terry has three brothers, and just one sister; Terry’s dad had something like 71 brothers or something – you get the idea…), and SHE hates me, and I have to spend the rest of my life smiling sweetly at her while secretly wanting to stick pins in her eyes? WHAT IF?

So, basically, while other people who are 14 weeks pregnant probably spend their time reading lists of baby’s names, and buying cute little outfits or something, here I am worrying about that ungrateful daughter-in-law of mine, what did I ever do to deserve such a child?

maternity outfits: H&M mama maternity leggings and stripe boatneck top

[H&M maternity leggings; Petit Bateau top: Dorothy Perkins shoes]

14 Weeks, 5 Days – Tuesday, July 11th

I’m freaking out.

So, I’d somehow had it in my head that the midwife had told me at my first appointment that I’d get a follow-up at 16 weeks, at which she’d be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I’ll be 16 weeks next Thursday, and I was really counting on this happening: up until now, I’d been having scans every 2 weeks, and I’m really, really struggling without that reassurance – especially given that I no longer seem to have many pregnancy symptoms, which is a really big difference from how I’ve been feeling up until now.

I know this is normal. I know lots of people start feeling better at this stage. I know all of this, but I’m still absolutely convinced that, in my case, it must mean that something’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. I can’t get this thought out of my head, so I’ve been literally counting down to next Thursday, working on the assumption that I’d get to hear the heartbeat, and that would give me the reassurance I need to make it to the next scan.

Yeah, not happening.

It took 2 full days to get through to the midwife’s office at all: most of the time, the phone just rings out (So much for being able to contact her any time, then…), or it’s picked up by someone who takes a message and promises a callback which never comes. This went on for two days, and then finally this afternoon I got a call from a very unfriendly sounding woman, with whom I had the following conversation:

HER: You already have an appointment in the system for 18 weeks.

ME: Oh, really? I didn’t know about that?

HER: Well, you do.

ME: Er, OK, well, no one actually told me that, but…

HER: Well, it’s there. For 18 weeks.

ME: O…kaaay. I was actually hoping to see the midwife at 16 weeks, if possible?

HER: No.

She went on to say that they won’t see me before 18 weeks, because they don’t think they’d be able to hear the heartbeat until then, anyway, and don’t like to try, in case it causes me anxiety. Which sounds totally reasonable, of course, unless you’ve been living in my head for the past few weeks, and have been totally counting on only having one more week to wait before the crippling anxiety you’ve ALREADY been feeling can hopefully be eased a little. I, of course, HAVE been living in my head for the past few weeks, so, when I found out that, nope, no reassurance will forthcoming for another full month, I put down the phone, and promptly burst into tears – much to Terry’s astonishment.

So, now I have basically three options:

01. Buy an at-home Doppler, despite all my reservations about it, despite knowing that it’ll likely be a huge OCD trigger for me, and despite the midwife telling me it wont be possible to hear the heartbeat for another month, anyway. (So why are all of these people on Amazon giving them 5 star reviews and talking about how well they work from 12 weeks on? Are the people on Amazon lying? Is the midwife lying? I am so confused right now…) I know if I try to find it and can’t, I will lose my tiny mind, so this option really, really scares me, to be honest. Then again, so does this one:

02. Try to get a 16 week scan. We could ask the NHS to do this, and, if they say no, just book one privately. The problem here is that scans are also absolutely terrifying to me – as in, they create pretty much the maximum stress I’m able to handle. Each time I’ve had one, I’ve basically had to write off the couple of days before it, because the anxiety kind of takes over at that point, and it’s all just hugely stressful for me, basically.  Which leaves me with option 3…

03. Do nothing, and just wait until I can see the midwife at 18 weeks. Like a normal person would.

I, however, am NOT a normal person, and, at this point, I did what NO rational person would do: I Googled. SERIOUSLY, AMBER, WTF?! I mean, I’ve been dealing with health anxiety for years now, and everyone knows that the first rule of health anxiety is you don’t talk about health anxiety THOU SHALT NOT CONSULT DR. GOOGLE.  IS A BAAAD DOCTOR.

So, yeah, I totally Googled. I kind of hate myself now.

In fairness, I was actually Googling more reviews of handheld doppler units (Because the 300+ on Amazon weren’t enough, I guess?), and was expecting to JUST get information on how reliable they are. Nope: instead I got info on still births, late miscarriage, and I don’t know what else, because I’d lost what little shred of sanity I had left at that point. Which rules out option three, basically.

So: torture by doppler or scan – which will it be?

handheld doppler unit

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

14 Weeks, 6 Days – Wednesday, July 12th

Yeah, we got the freakin’ doppler: because if a trained midwife reckons she won’t be able to heat the heartbeat until 18 weeks, I expect a pair of complete rubes will TOTALLY be able to hear it at 14 weeks, yeah? Like, I can’t even IMAGINE what could possibly go wrong here, with us just casually ignoring the professional medical advice we’ve been given, and trusting 350 strangers who wrote reviews on Amazon instead, huh?

*HEADDESK*

We got the doppler with next day delivery (Thanks, Amazon Prime!), so it arrived this morning. I haven’t used it yet, though: Terry is going to be out all morning at a medical appointment with his mum (I know this sounds pathetic, and not remotely #GIRLBOSS of me, but I don’t trust myself to do it on my own, and I also don’t want to BE on my own if I’m not able to find the heartbeat…), and then we’ll both be out for most of the afternoon/evening. I don’t want to risk trying it out right before we leave, and having a complete meltdown, and I don’t really want to do it last thing at night either, when there will be no scan units open, should that anticipated meltdown arrive (I’m 100% sure that we’ll be giving the doppler a try and then heading straight to the hospital for a scan, by the way: so, we’ve basically chosen the option that’s almost guaranteed to give us the WORST of both worlds, then. GO TEAM AMBER & TERRY!), so we’ll probably give it a try tomorrow morning.

Keep everything crossed for us, guys…

[IMPORTANT CAVEAT: Terry’s asked me to point out here that he spent literally hours reading about home dopplers this week, before deciding to get one, so we’re aware of all of the arguments against them, but still feel it’s probably the best (only) option for me at this point, given that the midwife isn’t able to help. So I’m going to once again ask that you please not post scare stories in the comments section or by email etc – thanks so much!]
MY PREGNANCY DIARY
34 Comments
  1. Probably of no use to you what so ever but I just wanted to offer a little bit of reassurance that health anxiety aside, what you are feeling and thinking is well within normal ranges for being pregnant.

    In relation to the vomit situation, I can count on one hand with fingers to spare the amount of times my 3 and a half year old has been sick, so you may get lucky and have a non-puker.

    And last thing you will most likely be able to fit back into your clothes again afterwards. Your body does change shape but for some people it’s not a massive difference to pre-pregnancy. I have more of a belly now, especially after eating but am still wearing the same size clothes I did before

    1. Ah, thank you for saying that! I’ve actually had a few people tell me they feel/felt much the same as I do, even although they don’t generally suffer from anxiety and that really helps me feel a bit less of a freak! Also so good to hear something positive about the clothes thing! I know it sounds shallow, but all I ever seem to hear is that I’ll never fit into anything again, and will basically have to get rid of all of my clothes and shoes, which is a bit horrifying, really – it would be like throwing away money! 😂

  2. I have definitely been out of it and am so behind on my blog reading. What a happy surprise to read this morning – Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! I hope the Doppler proves reassuring for you!

  3. On the vomit thing, maybe I too was lucky but I also didn’t have a rabid puker. There were maybe 3 incidents, total, over several years. Also at the most potentially sicky stage they are very small with very small tummies so it’s likely to be far more manageable than you might imagine, honest. And they only drink milk which is much easier to clean up by thinking “IT’S JUST A SPILLAGE!” than dealing with anything an adult human might do (also that is what Terry is for sorry Terry). You’ve got this. You do. You’re great. x

  4. So my health anxiety isn’t nearly as extensive as yours, but I did this program called Hypnobabies when I was pregnant and through my delivery. They claim that there is the possibility that you won’t feel any pain during delivery (which is apparently true for some, but I wasn’t counting on it, which is good because I wasn’t one of those people). A lot of the practice and lingo seemed pretty hokey, but it did legitimately ease my anxiety throughout my pregnancy and helped me feel a bit more in control of the situation. I’d use it again if I had another kid, but I’d probably practice the relaxation techniques more.

  5. Omg you can’t leave us hanging like that!! Fingers crossed those 350+ reviews are right and you get some peace of mind though x
    Also, I hope Trevor is ok. I mean, I know he was only in your life briefly, but I feel as though he had a story to tell and we didn’t get to hear it. Oh Trevor, I miss you already 😢

  6. My bowl was metal, pregnancy is so weird. My 3 year old has only had 2 stomach bugs. By the end of the night with the first one he was making it to the toilet himself.

    I think pregnancy is naturally a very anxiety provoking experience. It’s incredibly difficult to be so invested in something that you have so little control over. I have definitely called the midwives and been (gently) reprimanded for consulting google. I didn’t realize quite how anxious I was at my 20 week scan until she said everything was ok at the end and I broke into hysterical sobs. Also, you’re committing to living with a person for 18+ years without meeting them first. I think worrying a bit about how you’ll get along is normal. It sounds like such an odd thing to say but I’m rather relieved about how much I like my children and how much they like their dad and me.

    If you think it might help you could keep the doppler at your parents or have Terry hide it from you. That way you can’t decide to use it alone and limits the number of times you can use it. That would help me, lack of access might make the OCD component worse for you… I dunno.

  7. I think pregnancy is a great way to create anxiety in people who aren’t even usually anxious. It must be so much harder for you. It does get easier as the baby gets bigger. It is difficult (though sadly not impossible) to worry about a baby that is routinely kicking you in the bladder. After all, that is a a guarantee that it is alive and active! As for the clothes, as a previous comment said, your body does change shape a bit but not necessarily in a way that means all your clothes will never fit again. It might take a little while to get back to your pre-pregnancy size but it is possible.

    As for the son/daughter-in-law worry. I am no help there. My kids are 11 and 16 and I was just worrying about that the other day. What if I can’t stand the person they choose? Maybe it is time to bring back arranged marriages? Or should I at least have veto power?

  8. Does it help to write down and post your worries? Does it have a therapeutic effect? Or do you worry more when you see it written? I wondered about that. I hope it has a positive effect and that you get positive reassurance from readers.

    Even in the midst of all your anxiety you don’t lose your sense of humour and I admire you for that.

    Can I suggest you try to spend a little time visualising your baby growing and being nourished in his comfy home where he has optimum temperature, space and nourishment. He is lying under your heart and listening to your heart beat, strong and steady. Concentrate only on that thought and don’t let your concentration wander, just keep gently bringing it back to this thought. Try it with your eyes closed and you are in a warm comfortable place.
    It won’t counteract your anxieties but it might give you a little bit of time when you’re not focusing on them.

    1. It’s a double-edged sword, really: I find it really helpful to me to write it all down, (And I’ve also had a lot of people tell me it’s helpful to them to read, because a lot of this stuff is the kind of thing a lot of women go through, but no one ever really talks about…) but I’ve had two people already today trying to scare me about dopplers, which makes me feel like it would be better not to post this stuff publicly if people aren’t going to respect my requests to not do stuff like that. Then again, it happens in real life, too: yesterday I had a woman who knows I’m pregnant start telling me all about the three stillborn babies her daughter had had, and it really upset me – there’s no escaping it!

      1. The South Africans have a saying about worrying, “the Devil sits on your shoulder and whispers these things into your ears”.
        You are right that women worry about pregnancy and also about their children. My daughter asked me when her baby was about six months when do you stop worrying about them. My answer, “any day now”. You never stop worrying, ask your mum. We should share more. Your writing hits a nerve with all women who have been pregnant.

  9. I just don’t know about this midwife situation, Amber. I can’t help but feel it would be better for you to go with someone who 1) returns your calls in a more timely manner and 2) relatedly, understands your specific circumstances and health anxiety. Unnecessarily triggering you by not answering and being rude is of no help to you or her. Your nervousness is valid! If the person on the phone wasn’t your actual midwife, that’s still just bad customer service…

    1. We don’t seem to have an option to go elsewhere, unfortunately – it’s a really small area, and there is just one midwife (who is really lovely, just largely uncontactable!). It seems that the 18 weeks thing is a policy for the whole area, though, so I’m not sure anyone else would’ve given me a different answer: the woman on the phone was adamant that I can’t see anyone until then! I was quite surprised, because she seemed really understanding about my anxiety when I met her, so I’m assuming they genuinely can’t hear the heartbeat until then, if that’s what they’re saying… I just wish I hadn’t gotten it into my head that they could do it at 16 weeks!

  10. You’re doing just fine, worries and all. I had my fair share, and as time has gone on, they have become less and less. Having a baby helped. I felt totally unprepared for what was before me, but I have learned a little everyday, and sixteen years later, I can actually take care of a teenager!! I never thought it would have been possible – it is. I have found that having my boy in my life has helped to ease many of my anxieties and worries. It’s not just myself I have to think about, and that has made all the difference. Also, my son knows me and It’s very reassuring to have another loved one tell me when my anxiety starts up that everything is going to be okay. ❤️

  11. Can I just give you a big hug now? You are so brave, having walked into this with eyes open about your health anxiety. You are doing a wonderful job. I am sending good wishes every day. (And I had a private gynecologist through pregnancy, so I could get scanned and checked every few weeks. Not cheap, but totally worth it. I too worried all the time until the frequent movements started.) Hugs

  12. Hahaha – you are definitely not alone in the feelings on what your child will do when they’re older. I had exactly the same thoughts… and still do. Plus the whole pushing out a baby thing is just not something I want to really think about (and I deal with my anxiety with ignorance.)

    I’m at 19 weeks now and we were able to hear the baby’s heartbeat at 12 weeks! It sounds like galloping horses and the placenta has a “whooshing” noise if you will. My friend has an at-home doppler and we were able to hear it on that as well. Don’t be afraid to push down a bit in order to find the heartbeat because the baby will like to flip around … And you’re probably going to be scanning just above your pubic region right now too. (I’m sure you’ve already found it, but in case you couldn’t I thought it might help!)

  13. When I was pregnant, I was freaked out about a lot of things. Giving all. that. blood. Puke. Poo. How was I ever going to handle having a baby with all. the. poo? All. the. puke????? My family was even a little worried about me. But something shifted between my pregnancy, labour and delivery… It was such a probing, vulnerable time maybe (?) that after the baby arrived I was suddenly able to handle all the poo, all the vomit, all the blood giving. It was a very strange, yet somehow magical experience! Plus, I was gifted with an AWESOME husband who was also able to handle all the poo and vomit, and he did step in, many times. I imagine that Terry will be very hands on, he will be very very helpful, and I am also hoping that the pregnancy, labour, birthing experience, will also steel your nerves. I kind of figured, “I survived all that, I can survive anything!” When it is your baby, you will do anything for it! Now if I had to clean up vomit or poo from someone else’s baby? Gulp.

  14. It is reassuring to hear a heartbeat…but that was a cliffhanger! Hopefully, you were able to catch the kid when Terry got home but it is hard when they have so much room to move away from the monitor. If you didn’t hear a heartbeat, that was why. It sounds ridiculously fast because they are so small right now. Did I say they can still move away from the monitor at this size?

    I know many women who easily wear their pre-pregnancy clothes. I also know many who had fun getting a whole new wardrobe. Either way, it’s good.

    I also hate throwing up and those “poorly pouches” are a hoot.

    When my first one was born, I was willing to leave him in there at “one more push, honey, and we are done” but it all works out great. I also disliked the doctor’s partner and had to make up my mind to be okay with getting through the birth without liking the process. And you know what? It is hard work, (that’s why it’s called “labor”) but you have done hard things before so you will do this.

    You have lots of time to learn how to love this new baby and like the kid too. Plenty of time to figure it out. Everybody starts at the same place in this one.

    Hugs to all of you including Terry & his mom & family!

  15. *hugs*

    No advice about dopplers but baby sick is NOTHING like the grown up stuff – in fact, it’s not even supposed to be called “sick”; it’s supposed to be called “possetting” which is almost cute, right? They literally just dribble a little milk onto you (no noises or anything); it doesn’t smell; you wipe it up with a muslin; zero buckets required.

    Also: I read somewhere that the sex comes from the father’s side so there’s a good chance you’re right about it being a boy! I DID wonder if you’d found out as part of your NIPT; now I’m wondering if you’ll find out later on…???

    1. No, we didn’t find out then (We’d wrongly assumed that it would be on the report unless we asked for it not to be, but it turned out we would’ve had to have specifically requested it), but we’re hoping to find out at the 20 week scan!

  16. What about shopping via Internet for baby items? Or using Pinterest to design the nursery. We know you love shopping, so why not use it for therapy. Continued Happy Infanticipating. 💖💖💖

    1. We’ve agreed that we don’t want to shop for baby items (or even think about them) until much later in the pregnancy: I’m still only 15 weeks, and just not nearly ready for any of that yet! I do wish health anxiety could be cured by shopping, though!

  17. Hooray for getting past the nausea! I really appreciate the lack of nausea in my life now that I’ve been pregnant – I really took it for granted before.

    As for baby vomit, remember that most of it (if not all) is regurgitation of milk, not real vomit. It has a totally different look and feel. I hate dealing with vomit too, but baby spew doesn’t have the same impact on me at all. I hope it will be the same for you. I mean, it’s not fun to be changing my clothes so often, but it’s not terrible. (And my first hardly ever spat up anything so you could get lucky there too).

    And I also got back into my pre-baby clothes and I hope I will again this time! (It did take me about a year but I was taking it easy)

    All your worries are very normal and you are doing really well!

  18. The NHS in Wales must be following similar advice to the NHS in Scotland. All our literature warns us not to get a home Doppler because of the tendency to overuse it and the anxiety it causes if you can’t find the baby’s heartbeat and the false reassurance you get if you pick up something else and think everything’s great when it isn’t. The midwife couldn’t find the heartbeat at my 16 week appointment (I’m not sure why you’re being made to wait until 18 weeks?!)

    There is a huge difference between the NHS in Wales and Scotland over midwife services! My midwife is easy to reach and I can book an appointment to see her as often as I need (weekly might have been a bit much but certainly every other week would have been fine) – or call them on the phone. My midwife is really nice and gave me a number I can call any time of the day or night and speak to a midwife if I have any concerns. I’m not sure why it’s so different for NHS Scotland?

    I’ve been following your pregnancy journey with lots of love and best wishes for you. I lost a baby just before you had your ectopic pregnancy and I got pregnant again the very next cycle so I was hoping for some good news for you.

  19. I’m a bit unsure of what to say now in case of anxiety triggers etc but we knew for sure I was pg with Elodie at 12 weeks after I went to the Dr and said I think I might be pg and the nurse whipped out the heartbeat monitor and there it was, a heartbeat. She didn’t know if I was 12 or up to 16 weeks pg (it turned out to be 12) so I was a bit flummoxed reading that your MW says she might not hear anything until 18 weeks! I’ve not read your next post yet – did you hear anything with your doppler? I hope so, how exciting 🙂

  20. Ah Amber…I hope you and Terry have success with the doppler and that it gives you much-needed reassurance! But I had to giggle at the “what if I like it and he heads off to Bali” comment – my 19 year old came home from his first year at university, and said “bye mom, I’m driving to California with Justin” and I was so bummed because I was so excited to see him! He got home from California today, spent about 30 minutes with me, then said “bye mom I’m going to Wes’ house – see you tomorrow” 😂 We raised our kids to be independent and excited about exploring the world, and now it’s coming back to haunt us – maybe we should have raised them to be ‘fraidy cats so they would stay close to home!!!

  21. I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 and a bit years and some of me thinks it is my fault that I haven’t due to health anxiety .. I agree with everything you have said and to be 100% honest, I can’t disagree with anything you have said as I would be the exact same. I am paranoid enough in the 1 week waiting to see if I get a period or not, never mind actually knowing there is something in there!

    Good luck Amber!

    Rachael xox
    http://www.rachaeldickinson.com

  22. I am 14 weeks, and I swear you are in my head. Thank you for making me feel normal! We have a miracle baby and it’s so hard not to worry. Love this!! Thanks for writing it.

  23. Oh my god, everything you write here is what’s going on in my mind. And I don’t have diagnosed health anxiety. I only feel 100% sure everything’s fine as long as I see ‘my baby on the monitor and hear the Heartbeat. At the same time the appointments are the worst thing ever. Literally get high blood pressure from doing them. Husband is strongly against any type of home testing (doppler, ultrasound machines) since he’s sure it will make all the anxieties worse. Probably right. Happy to read it did work for you for a bit!
    (Also: so strange they told.you you can’t hear the heartbeat, we heard it at 7w4d with this baby. Maybe it differs for each pregnancy and they don’t want to scare you?

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