Amber V. Google Adwords – round 2

So, the World Cup, eh. Not a lot of people looking for a copywriter during the world cup, folks – unless, of course, they want a copywriter to write about the World Cup, in which case they’re sure as hell not going to choose me, because, gah. (Note: somebody totally did choose me to write copy about the World Cup, though. No, seriously. I think the world tilted on its axis just a little bit that day.)

Now, for the last six months I’ve been complaining about how busy I am, and how overworked I am, and how if only things would just quieten the hell down for a minute already, I’d be able to catch up with all of the things on my “to do” list, and things would be just fab. The reality, of course, is very different. In fact, the reality is that things only need to quieten down for a few seconds and I’m talking about the likelihood of the house being repossed, and ohmigod, what if no one EVER gives me any work EVER again, and we starve, and I never get to buy those black shoes that are exactly the same as the green shoes I bought in TK Maxx that time? WHAT IF, people?

We are not going to starve. The house is not going to be repossed. I still have work to do. (Which, actually? I should be doing right now, rather than writing this. Ah, well.) But because The Panic makes me constantly fear the worst, the quieter-than-usual spell we’ve been  having this past couple of days has led me to switch the back on.

I have a strange and twisted relationship with Google adwords. On paper, it’s a very good thing. Highly targetted advertising! That you only pay for when someone clicks! Rah rah rah! In real life, though, a Google adwords campiagn is a lot like a baby. A small, fussy baby that you CANNOT LEAVE ALONE for even a minute, or it will pee on your sofa and run off with all your money. OK, maybe a teenager, then.

My Google adwords campaign is probably the most stressful thing I’ve ever owned. And yes, I know you can set a budget. Yes, I know you can set negative keywords and manage the whole thing to within an inch of its life. I know all this, but even so, I can’t seem to stop myself logging into my account every five minutes or so, convinced that in the short time since my last visit, my bill will now be sitting at five figures. And laughing at me.

So, Adwords is not for the faint-hearted. It’s also not something I’d recommend for those of you who like to over-analyse. (Yes, that would be me, again.) No clicks on the ads? Why? Why no clicks? What’s wrong with my ads? Are they not good enough? Are they not funny or smart of witty enough? Do the adverts make me look fat? Waaah! On the other hand, what if there are clicks but no sales? Ohmigodl they hate me! What’s wrong with my website? Why did they visit and not want to buy? Are they competitors, engaged in an evil plot to max out my budget and leave me with nothing? Who are they? Where do I find these people?!

You can, of course, see how all of this is going to end. It’s as transparent as the plot of Neighbours. But for now, adwords it is. Now excuse me while I go check my account…

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