Nil By Mouth

See this bottle of water?*

163565628_f56b39ba5d This bottle of water that, OK, you can’t really see anyway, but trust me – it’s there, and by God, it’s a big un?

Today, Internet, I invite you to join me as I challenge myself to drink this bottle of water. This will be difficult because, God, I hate water. So boring. It’s like drinking nothing. The other problem with it is that, for reasons unknown, I very rarely feel thirsty. Presumably I’m somehow managing to wring the bare minimum of essential hydration out of the many cups of coffee I drink in the course of the day. Either that or I’m some kind of freaky bionic woman whose only superpower is the ability to ony drink things that are Bad. It must be one of the two, anyway, because – with the exception of very hot days, or times when I’ve been doing exercise (HA!) – I hardly ever find myself thinking, “You know what? I could really fancy a great big old bottle of water right about now!”

I need to drink it though. All of it. The reason for this? I woke up this morning with spots. Spots. I actually look JUST LIKE the picture in the banner, except uglier, and with real spots, not just hundreds of little dots on my face. This has troubled me because I hardly ever get spots. It’s one of the few things about my appearance I’ve never had to really loathe myself for. Anyway, this morning I have spots and I figure it’s because of my diet, and the fact that I only ever take in liquids if they’re liberally laced with a) caffeine or b) alcohol.

On the few occasions in the past when I’ve allowed water near me (I realise I’m making myself sound like a rabid dog here, but stay with me, people), my skin has always gone all dewy and fresh. I would like that fresh dewyness again, hence the Big Bottle O’Water you can see above. So, here we go: 10.48am, water drunk, nil. Must do better. I will prevail. I will beat this crazy bottle o’ water. I will probably also spend the rest of today sitting on the loo, but hey ho. Dewy skin, here I come!

* It is a mark of how much I dislike drinking water that I actually took this photo about six weeks ago, intending to drink the water then. Does water go off, do you think?