Because I know you’re all desperately interested in the ugly-ass weals under my eyes, it gives me great pleasure to announce that they are GONE. Woo hoo, I look like a normal person, by God! I’d like to thank Beth, Jen, all my fans, God, and Clinique’s All About Eyes for helping to bring about this transformation. We need to praise them like we should.
Having thus updated you on the status of the weals, though, I realised that I have left you hanging with some other desperately exciting issues in my life, so here’s a quick update:
Up until yesterday, it was GO with the Ugg boots, but then yesterday I checked my bank account online and realised that if I thought I was shelling out all that money on a pair of furry slippers, then I DONE LOST MY MIND, people. So it’s no-go with the Uggs. GOD.
Last time, on Waistband-Stretcher Watch, I had ordered the waistband stretcher, but it had not arrived. Well, it still has not arrived, and my friends at the House of Bath have now told me that it will take them at least thirty days to find out what happened to it, and in the meantime, would I like to order another one? Er, no thanks, HOB! For one, I’ve talked enough about this now, and I think it’s time to just LET IT LIE, for two, I found out that if you dampen the waistband of your jeans and then wear them they stretch anyway, and for three, I just bet one of the kids from the ghetto is walking around in reeeeaaalllly baggy pants now. I hope it’s the kid that ram raided our fence that time, I really hope it is.
Well, the caravan is gone from the pavement in front of the house, but it looks like it’s probably just gone for a week in Skegness or something, so I fully expect it to resume residence on the pavement when it returns. Or, you know, maybe they could just park it IN my garden? I mean, why not? It’s almost there already.
I think that’s you all up to date now. Don’t say I’m not good to you.