Well, it turns out that what I actually need in my quest to become A Morning Person is a “Teasmade”. Do you see what they did there? It’s like a “maid” that makes tea, and also, the tea is “made”. Isn’t that clever? Also: Hi, I’m Amber, and I’m actually 92. That’s why I’m considering either buying one of these, or just traveling back in time to the 1950s, which is when people seem to have actually used them.
(And, you know, I don’t even drink tea. I know that, as a British person, that’s almost sacrilegious to admit, but I just don’t see the point of it. It’s coffee all the way here. Mmmm, coffee. Where are all the “Coffemades”? WHERE?)
Anyway, having decided that one of these contraptions really would help me to get out of bed in the morning, and also being quite stingy, really, I looked on eBay and discovered that almost all ‘Teasmades’ units are made by a company called “Goblin” (I don’t know why that makes me laugh, but it surely does), and really do date from the 1950s. See, I didn’t just make that up, I did my research. Are you enjoying this impromptu history lesson, by the way? Because I could also tell you a fair bit about radiators, too, if you like? No? You’re sure? OK, well, moving on…
As I was saying, most of the “Teasmades” on eBay are described as either “retro” or “vintage” and I quickly discovered that what THAT means is basically, “ain’t no way in hell this is going to work, sucker!” Also, these things seem to be verging on becoming collectors items: there’s a whole breed of people out there earnestly discussing the merits of the 1977 Philips Tea for Two versus the Goblin 860. I’m not sure I’m ready to become part of that community, so I got to thinking: I could just buy an ordinary coffee maker, and I could put it in the bedroom and switch it on my very own self in the morning, possibly without even leaving the bed. Then what I could do is, I could set the alarm for thirty minutes earlier than I actually needed to get up, and then sit back and enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee IN MY BED, while maybe flicking through the morning paper, which, in this scenario, would be magically delivered, not just to the house, but RIGHT TO MY BED every morning.
And then I thought, “Screw that, I could just bring the kettle upstairs.”
Which is how I came to spend last night sleeping with a kettle next to my bed. I’m such a student, no? “And did it work?” I hear you ask, breathless in your excitement. Well, no, obviously not. It’ll take more than THAT to get me out of bed in the morning, I’ll tell you: because when 7am came and the alarm went off, I looked at that kettle, sitting peacefully on the floor next to the bed, and I thought, “Yeah, screw you kettle – I don’t even WANT your coffee. It’s freaking 7am!” Then I rolled over and went back to sleep.
The next step in journey towards becoming a morning person: taking your advice and trying to bring my time down gradually. I WILL DO THIS! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED BY MORNING! Or, you know, I probably won’t do it, but I will try. Wish me luck…