Inadvertently Ask Amber

So, longtime readers of this here blog (look, I like to pretend, okay?) will know that people tend to find me through some weird-ass Google searches, most of which involve hating redheads, avoiding having babies that are redheads and, er, hating redheads some more.

Lately, though, I’ve noticed that my Google referrers have taken a different direction. Lately people have been seeking me out in order to find the answers to their trickiest questions and dilemmas. They come to me, like the Magic Eight Ball I undoubtedly am, for answers. And now, in a post not even remotely inspired by Kristabella (who has Bacon answer her questions for her. I can’t get the staff, so I have to do it myself.) I give them those answers…

Here’s what the Google searchers have been inadvertently asking me lately:

1. how to avoid having a ginger baby?

Well, gee, I didn’t see THAT one coming! The answer is simple, my brain-dead friend, and it’s an answer I’ve given before and will doubtless give again: you don’t procreate. It’s too risky. Risky for you, because you could, indeed, end up with a “ginger” baby; risky for all of mankind, because we could end up with more people just like you. NEXT!

2. What outfit does a zookeeper wear?

Zookeepers don’t wear outfits. They walk around naked all day. That’s how this happened:

At_the_zoo_3

3. Will a optician spot signs of a brain tumor?

See, you shouldn’t ask a hypochondriac questions like this. Because now I’m too scared to go to the opticians for my next checkup. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED, anonymous asker?

4. Can you wear ugg slippers outside?

No. And actually, you can’t wear them inside either. There are laws. And also because I said so.

5. How to spell pedastal?

Um, well, not like that, sister. Wait, though: how did you find my blog by Googling that? Did I spell “pedestal” with an “A”? Oh hell…

6. Who will do my work when I am on holidays?

Well, don’t look at ME, I’ve got enough on my plate what with answering all these dumb questions… The Magic Eight Amber Ball, she say… “Doris, the woman in accounts, will do your job when you’re on holiday. Sleep well tonight, my child!” (Seriously, how do people expect to find the answers to such specific-to-them dilemmas on GOOGLE?)

7. when i can report my car to the police with in seven days?

Um, I think you’ll find the clue is in the question here.

8. How to pee in the woods?

You know, I’m actually planning an illustrated entry on this very subject. Spooky, no? And also: WEIRDO!

9. brandy is’it good for the kidney?
Well, I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to say “probably not” on this one. If I’ve learned one thing in this life (and I would hope to God I had learned at least ONE THING, although the evidence would seem to suggest otherwise) it’s that everything that tastes good is bad for you. Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?

10. Give me an example of a letter thanking my mother for allowing me to spend the easter holidays at my best friend house

And what’s the magic word? You didn’t use the magic word, so I’m not going to do this. So there.

11. Are all ginger haired people blue eyed?

For the love of God, what IS it with this “ginger” crap all the time? Why can’t you people just say “red”? And for the record, I have browny green eyes, and I speak for all “gingers”, so now you know.

12. Do i have a big forehead man?
What exactly IS a ‘Big Forehead Man’? Because I have this image now of a man made entirely out of forehead. I’m scared. Hold me. Also: yes, you totally DO have a Big Forehead Man, by the way. Damn, that thing is HUGE! I know, because   * whispers * I can see you… Now your Big Forehead Man is the least of your worries, eh? Thank me later…

13. What will stick a tooth veneer back on
The dentist will. Or you could try superglue. Superglue could be interesting.

14. Does amber have one leg?

Yes. Yes, she does:

Noleg

OMG! ONE LEG TO RULE THEM ALL!

15. Is being ginger a disease?

No, but being stupid is. I’d be pretty worried if I were you…

16. My brother must wear a corset

OK, so this one wasn’t actually a question, as such, but… the hell? WHY must your brother wear a corset? And why did you Google it. Come back and telll me…

Aaaaand that’s Magic Eightball Amber done for the night. My, but being a wise old sage is thirsty work…


14 Comments

  • Gemma says:

    Ok, so I think I just fell in love with you a little bit.

    Did you know 200 people came to Catwalk Queen in the last month by searching for Iso’s full name. She’s quite scared she has a stalker now.

  • Rachel says:

    Haha! So funny! And very interesting questions, as well as, answers, I might add!

  • Leslie says:

    I told my husband about the redhead/ginger prejudice that seems to be prevelant in the U.K. He said – and I quote – "What the FUCK? It's just hair, people. It's not like they have bulging eyes and a hump on their backs!"

  • Anne says:

    If you think someone searching for how to pee in the woods is weird try searching amazon for "how to shit in the woods" There is a whole book on the subject!

    And don't ask me how I know this, mmk?

    ps You are so funny Amber xx

  • That's hilarious. I've always had red hair. I've never been called a ginger, but that may be a regional thing. When I was little, I was often called a "carrot top" which I always thought was hilarious, because the last time I checked, carrot tops were green. ;)

  • Molly says:

    Seriously??? What is WRONG with people?

  • Hayley says:

    You might try sating your thirst with some brandy. I hear it's good for the kidneys. : )

  • Steph says:

    Well, that cheered up my day :)

    I've always wanted red hair; it runs in my family but skipped me. So it seems that for every person who thinks that gingers should be hunted with pitchforks to the boundaries of the parish, there's someone like me who sighs wistfully every time they see a natural redhead.

    I hate going to the opticians because I too am a hypochondriac, and I think my optician hates me – therefore, I am always convinced that I have a secret brain tumour but my optician is keeping mum just to spite me. JUST TO SPITE ME, DAMN HIM!
    Suddenly all these Google searchers don't seem so crazy, do they? :P

  • poodlegoose says:

    Haha… those are awesome. and Brandy's good for everything! ;) (I can't believe I just typed that… I feel very 15 years old again). I've also found that on searches, people are often led to comments left on your site too, so maybe someone else spelled "pedestal" as such.

  • Carrie says:

    :( I have slipper uggs. They were a gift. But I also love them and their uber comfy selves. Don't hate me.

    And yeah, the ginger thing here is ridiculous. I don't know how it started but surely it's gone on long enough?

  • Stephen says:

    Heh heh heh heh heh. I'm trying to work out how the last one hit you – did you do some sort of brother-in-a-corset post that I completely missed? ;+)

    Did you get the email I sent on the 10th?

    Oh, and R.E.M. are back on form. Woo! Happy days, happy days…

  • Melissa says:

    Seriously, is there this much prejudice against redheads? I wish I was a natural red head, unfortunately I didn't inherit that from my mom. :( I just have to dye it red every 5-6 weeks. Red hair is so pretty and distinctive.

  • Caroline says:

    This truly made me Laugh. Out. Loud. – Brilliant! You’re on form Amber!

  • Caroline says:

    This truly made me Laugh. Out. Loud. – Brilliant! You're on form Amber!

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