So, longtime readers of this here blog (look, I like to pretend, okay?) will know that people tend to find me through some weird-ass Google searches, most of which involve hating redheads, avoiding having babies that are redheads and, er, hating redheads some more.
Lately, though, I’ve noticed that my Google referrers have taken a different direction. Lately people have been seeking me out in order to find the answers to their trickiest questions and dilemmas. They come to me, like the Magic Eight Ball I undoubtedly am, for answers. And now, in a post not even remotely inspired by Kristabella (who has Bacon answer her questions for her. I can’t get the staff, so I have to do it myself.) I give them those answers…
Here’s what the Google searchers have been inadvertently asking me lately:
1. how to avoid having a ginger baby?
Well, gee, I didn’t see THAT one coming! The answer is simple, my brain-dead friend, and it’s an answer I’ve given before and will doubtless give again: you don’t procreate. It’s too risky. Risky for you, because you could, indeed, end up with a “ginger” baby; risky for all of mankind, because we could end up with more people just like you. NEXT!
2. What outfit does a zookeeper wear?
Zookeepers don’t wear outfits. They walk around naked all day. That’s how this happened:
3. Will a optician spot signs of a brain tumor?
See, you shouldn’t ask a hypochondriac questions like this. Because now I’m too scared to go to the opticians for my next checkup. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED, anonymous asker?
4. Can you wear ugg slippers outside?
No. And actually, you can’t wear them inside either. There are laws. And also because I said so.
5. How to spell pedastal?
Um, well, not like that, sister. Wait, though: how did you find my blog by Googling that? Did I spell “pedestal” with an “A”? Oh hell…
6. Who will do my work when I am on holidays?
Well, don’t look at ME, I’ve got enough on my plate what with answering all these dumb questions… The Magic
Eight Amber Ball, she say… “Doris, the woman in accounts, will do your job when you’re on holiday. Sleep well tonight, my child!” (Seriously, how do people expect to find the answers to such specific-to-them dilemmas on GOOGLE?)
7. when i can report my car to the police with in seven days?
Um, I think you’ll find the clue is in the question here.
8. How to pee in the woods?
You know, I’m actually planning an illustrated entry on this very subject. Spooky, no? And also: WEIRDO!
9. brandy is’it good for the kidney?
Well, I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to say “probably not” on this one. If I’ve learned one thing in this life (and I would hope to God I had learned at least ONE THING, although the evidence would seem to suggest otherwise) it’s that everything that tastes good is bad for you. Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?
10. Give me an example of a letter thanking my mother for allowing me to spend the easter holidays at my best friend house
And what’s the magic word? You didn’t use the magic word, so I’m not going to do this. So there.
11. Are all ginger haired people blue eyed?
For the love of God, what IS it with this “ginger” crap all the time? Why can’t you people just say “red”? And for the record, I have browny green eyes, and I speak for all “gingers”, so now you know.
12. Do i have a big forehead man?
What exactly IS a ‘Big Forehead Man’? Because I have this image now of a man made entirely out of forehead. I’m scared. Hold me. Also: yes, you totally DO have a Big Forehead Man, by the way. Damn, that thing is HUGE! I know, because * whispers * I can see you… Now your Big Forehead Man is the least of your worries, eh? Thank me later…
13. What will stick a tooth veneer back on
The dentist will. Or you could try superglue. Superglue could be interesting.
14. Does amber have one leg?
Yes. Yes, she does:
OMG! ONE LEG TO RULE THEM ALL!
15. Is being ginger a disease?
No, but being stupid is. I’d be pretty worried if I were you…
16. My brother must wear a corset
OK, so this one wasn’t actually a question, as such, but… the hell? WHY must your brother wear a corset? And why did you Google it. Come back and telll me…
Aaaaand that’s Magic Eightball Amber done for the night. My, but being a wise old sage is thirsty work…