Rubin writes:

This is Ted. Now, I know what yoos are thinkin’. Yoos are all, “Great bear, Rubinman – orange is SO your colour!” The thing is, though, Ted is NOT a great bear. In fact, me and Ted, we don’t talk. We’re just not down with each other. Also: he’s totally mental.

Ted, you see, is Amber’s bear. Yes, Amber has a bear. I know! It’s like, how old is she, four? Actually, Amber is WAY old, and so is Ted. This makes Ted a bit of an ass, really, because he totally thinks he’s, like, IN CHARGE of all the toys in the house, you know? Also, he thinks he’s in charge of me, and that right there shows you how totally mental Ted is because NO ONE IS THE BOSS OF THE RUBINMAN.

Ted thinks he is, though. He’s been alive for as long as Amber, and Amber’s been alive since FOREVER, so he’s all, “Respect your elders, young Rubin me lad, waffle, waffle, waffle.” Idiot. I don’t even know why Amber has him, I really don’t, because it’s like, what does she DO with him? I haven’t ONCE seen Amber pick Ted up in her teeth and throw him around the room by the scruff of his neck, and that’s totally what I’d do with him. Then I’d throw him out the house and tell him to never show his sorry orange ass round here again. And he would listen because he would be scared of me.

Let this be a warning to all yoos orange-ass bears out there. For real.


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