Forever Amber

May 07 2008

There Goes the Neighbourhood

Summer. We’ve got it. And I know I whine incessantly about the cold when we don’t got it, and it really is very lovely to be able to leave the house without the ol’ snowsuit, but God, summer doesn’t half get the crazies out.

For instance:

At the football pitch I pass when walking the dog:

A gang of teenagers racing two cars (ACTUAL cars, not toy ones, by the way. Like, real, live cars. That people can travel in.) around the grass pitch (Cars! On the grass! Where children were playing!) and blaring out music at top volume as they went.

In front of the pub I passed not two minutes later:

A gentleman who looked to be in his sixties, wearing nothing but what looked like a pair of boxer shorts, Doc Marten boots and a smile. In MAY. In SCOTLAND. I mean, it’s warm, but it’s not that freaking warm, people… (Actually, call me old fashioned, but I don’t think it’s EVER warm enough for boxer shorts in public. Am I wrong?)

From the house I passed one minute after THAT:

Music blaring at the sound level commonly known as "louder than hell".

At the ice cream van parked in our street:

A small white dog barking hysterically at all of the children standing in line, almost as if said dog thought he was a WOLF and that, I dunno, he could frighten them all into handing over their ice creams or something?

At the local beauty spot we walked the dog in yesterday:

Two teenage boys shattering the silence of the pleasant, country meadow-thing with an MP3 player which was blaring music through speakers. SPEAKERS. Why do MP3 players come with speakers now? That’s why ~~God~~ Apple made headphones, surely? And if I wanted to listen to a teenager’s choice of music, I wouldn’t drive all the way to the local beauty spot, you know? No, I’d just walk round the corner, to where they race their cars on the football pitch…

At the very steep hill in the middle of the aforementioned beauty spot:

A red haired girl sailing down the hillside on her ass, emitting a high pitched squealing noise as she went, much to the surprise of the two teenagers who were making out on the other side of the hill.

Oh no, wait: that last one was me. AND I hurt my wrist when I fell.

Ah well, no one’s perfect…

Amber

Hi, I'm Amber. I'm a full-time fashion/shoe blogger from the UK, and this is the story of my clothes, my life and the International Man of Mystery Next Door. You can read more from me at my other blogs, The Fashion Police and Shoeperwoman.

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9 Comments

May 06 2008

9 Comments

Ask Amber

Things Terry Can Fit In His Mouth Part 1: A Pickled Gherklin

Do you know what I spent a good part of the hottest Bank Holiday Monday I can ever remember (in fact, the ONLY hot Bank Holiday Monday I can ever remember) doing, people? Did you guess "gardening"? Yeah, well you guessed right, go to the top of the class. I was out there until 10pm last night, cutting, weeding, plucking, whining, crying, moaning… and then this morning I got up, looked out of the window, and a whole bunch of dandelions were standing there on the grass, thumbing their noses at me. I don’t know how they did it, but somehow they must have grown overnight. It’s like some kind of miracle or something. Do I win a prize?

Anyway, I also spent part of the bank holiday weekend taking pictures of Terry with various different things in his mouth. No, I haven’t completely lost mind (YET) – this was the second most popular Scribbit suggestion over the weekend, and even although it was suggested by Terry himself, lots of you still voted for it (!) and who am I to deny you the pleasure of seeing Terry with pickled gherkins and other sundry items in his mouth?

And so it is that I present to you today, number one of a short series entitled "Things Terry Can Fit In His Mouth". This one is called "Pickled Gherkin". Because. well, it’s a pickled gherkin. Enjoy! Oh, and if you’re wondering what the MOST popular suggestion was, well, you’ll have to check back later in the week. (It’s one that requires me to write actual words, you see. With this one I can just post a picture and my work for the day is done…)

Pickled_gherkin

Gherkin_again

IMPORTANT! Don’t try this at home kids! Terry is a professional who has trained for many years to be able to do this….

Amber

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9 Comments

May 02 2008

3 Comments

In My Life, The Others

How We’re Living

So, it turns out we COULD actually fit more kitchen stuff into the living room after all:

Kitchen_in_livingroom

Kitchen sink: not even visible under all that MESS.

The rest of the kitchen stuff was delivered yesterday. The things in the picture above are the bits of the old kitchen that are currently sitting around in the living room before we turf them out into the back garden, where they will live in peace and harmony along with The Tree That Scratched Me. Or, at least, they will live there until the council come and take them away. IF, of course, the council agree to actually take them away, and that’s not looking at all likely right now, let me tell you.

Conversation Terry had with the council:

Terry: Hi, I’d like to arrange a bulky uplift please. There’s quite a lot of stuff because I’m putting in a new kitchen and throwing out the old one.

Council: No problem. What do you have for us?

Terry: Well, there’s a cooker.

Council: Uh-huh, no problem.

Terry: A bunch of old worktops. They’re pretty long.

Council: Sure!

Terry: There’s laminate flooring that used to cover the floors of our entire house.

Council: No problem!

Terry: And the old kitchen units.

Council: Coolio!

Terry: A chair.

Council: Bring that chair on!

Terry: The kitchen sink.

Council: We love uplifting kitchen sinks!

Terry: Oh, and there’s some small bits of wood that used to be the front of the kitchen drawers, but they’re really small, so I don’t know if they count.

Council: WHOA THERE, daddy-o! Did you say “small bits of wood?!”

Terry: Ummm, yes. Yes, I did. Old drawer fronts. Small, you know?

Council: We’re not picking THEM up. They’ll never fit into our van. And how will we carry them?

Terry: Well, I can pick them up in one hand, easily. They’re small.

Council: Oh hell to the no. We’re not taking them. What we’ll need to do is send someone round to “assess” them, to see if there’s the remotest possibility of us being able to uplift them for you. But I’ll tell you now: there isn’t.

Terry: Ummm. OK. But the cooker, worktops, large units, miles of laminate floor, office chair and kitchen sink: they’re all OK?

Council: Oh yeah, they’re no problem.

* headdesk *

So, once again we are faced with being “assessed” before the relevant authorities can help us. Great. And the beat goes on….

In other news, the more observant of you (and those not reading via RSS or email) may have noticed a fugly little doo-dah called “scribit” sitting in my sidebar. This is a new thing I am trying out, which basically allows you to ask me questions which I can then answer here on the blawg. Which means I don’t actually have to think for myself, EVER. I am convinced this experiment will fail miserably, but until it does, if you have a burning question, or just something you would really, really like me to write about, ask away. (You just click the “What should I write about?” text to enter your suggestion.) All I ask is that you not make your questions:

a) rude

b) maths related. So none of that whole, “If a train leaves the station at 2pm travelling at 70mph….” nonsense, ‘kay?