It’s a while since we’ve had a round of Inadvertently Ask Amber – the game where I answer questions suggested to me by the weird and wonderful Google searches people use to find this site – but that doesn’t mean The Crazy hasn’t kept coming, because it most assuredly has. No, it just means I haven’t been telling you about it. Given that I even told you about that time Rubin took a dump in front of his new girlfriend, that’s kind of remarkable, isn’t it?

I have, however, been keeping close track of The Crazy, carefully filing those idiot search terms away in a file called "Things to remind me there are crazier people than me in the world". So, without further ado, let’s have a look at them, shall we? And let’s just get the mad Redhead Hatin’ out the way first:

will i produce a red haired baby
Like, out of thin air, do you mean? Well, probably not, but if you do, can I watch?

Aside: I know I’ve asked this before, but I ask it again, because I have this habit of saying the same thing over and over again sometimes. I said, I have this habit of saying the same thing… oh, never mind. Anyway my question is this: why do people ask Google such specific, and quite personal questions? It’s not a Magic Eightball, you know! And neither am I. Which brings me to this one:

why am I cold all the time?
You are cold all the time because you have the mysterious, incurable, Cold-All-the-Time disease. Sorry, but you DID ask… Seriously, how would I know? I mean, I’m cold all the time, sure, but that’s because … well, it’s because it’s freaking cold. ALL THE TIME. Don’t even get me started on THAT one…

what are the names of the dogs in the famous five
Duh! There is only one dog in The Famous Five, and he is called Timothy, or Timmy for short. You can’t call him that, though. Only I can call him that, because I’ve read all the books and memorized them. Once YOU’VE done that too, then you can call him "Timmy". His special talent: discovering underground passages by burrowing into rabbit holes, climbing out of wells unaided, having the waggiest tail ever. God, I loved that dog.

100 reasons to break off a wedding
Damn, you people ask a lot of me, don’t you? Sorry, but if you think I have time to sit here and write out 100 reasons why someone might break off a wedding, you clearly don’t know how lazy I am. Next!

does putting olive oil in ear make you deaf?
WHAT? WHAT? SPEAK UP, YOUNG UN, ALL THIS OLIVE OIL IN MY EARS DONE MAKE ME DEAF!
Actually, no. No, it doesn’t. Well, it could do if you used it all the time, I suppose. ( Disclaimer: is not a doctor.) I mean, when I did it that time, I ended up at the doctor’s surgery having my ear syringed, and the nurse told me to never pour anything in my ear EVER AGAIN, because only stupid people do that, and she may also have said something about me being lucky not to have made myself deaf, but I couldn’t really hear her, on account of I had a syringe in my ear at the time. And also: olive oil.

a caravan is parked in my street who do i report it to
You can report it to me. I am the Caravan-Parked-in-Street Overlord. Didn’t you know?

black babies stay black in dark room forever?
I can’t even imagine what kind of crack you were smocking when you typed this. And I don’t want to.

wear one dress for a whole year
No. YOU wear one dress for a whole year. See how you like it. Report back, please.

why are scottish people so pale
Because we have no sun, ever. EVER. GOD.

do you know what a ponky is
Do I know what a ponky is? Do I know what a ponky is? D’uh! This, my friends, is a ponky:

So, what you’re basically seeing here is a pink donkey = "Ponky". Do you see what I did there? This isn’t just any old Ponky, though: this is Ponky Number 2. Here is Ponky Number 1:

Have you spotted the deliberate mistake yet? Because we didn’t. My mum and I found this Ponky at Ikea one day, and were thrilled at the sight of it. "Look, a pink donkey!" we shrieked in delight. "A Ponky!" So we picked the Ponky up, and we paid for the Ponky, and we took the Ponky home with us, and we gave the Ponky to Rubin, all the while repeating the word "Ponky" over and over again, like PonkyPonkyPonky and feeling damn pleased with ourselves for having invented it.

It wasn’t until about three days later that I realised the awful truth – the one that probably hit you RIGHT AWAY….

Yeah, it was a freaking RABBIT.

No, I don’t know. I have absolutely NO IDEA how we could have mistaken it for a Ponky. In our defence, we’d never SEEN a Ponky at that point, and I dunno, maybe the rabbit had secret powers that it used to make us THINK it was a Ponky. All I can say is, at least you won’t make the same mistake, readers. Be ever vigilant for Ponky Imposters. And don’t tell Rubin, OK, because when we told him we’d got him a Ponky, he believed us. Shhh!

Anyway, to come back to the question in hand: yes, I do know what a Ponky is. But sometimes I mistake them for rabbits. Easy mistake to make, could happen to anyone, moving right along…

oh god i need tights now!
Oh, um, that’s nice! Thanks for sharing! You sound really… special! What brought this on so suddenly, though? Was it the Ponky story?

amber mcnaught height on profile
Wow. Always slightly creepy when someone Googles your full name, no? I don’t know what the "profile" reference is, but just so’s you know, I’m 5"3. You’re welcome.

there’s a boy in a sissy girls dress
THERE IS? Oh man, thanks for telling me! I can’t BELIEVE I was sitting here writing about Ponkies when THAT was going on! Laters, folks…

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