I’d imagine most of the people reading this probably think I’ve only been using the written word as a means of embarrassing myself in public for as long as I’ve had access to the Internet.

How I wish that were true.

Actually, I’ve been embarrassing myself in public since I learned to write, and as proof of that, today I present to you Forever Amber: The Early Years. Yes, way back in the mists of time my school required its young students to keep what they called a “News Book” but which was actually just a personal journal – an early “blog”, if you will. Every few days we would write an entry in our “News Book/Early Blog” detailing what had been happening in our lives,  and every single time I would write something so toe-curlingly embarrassing my parents would have to call the school and make excuses for me. I’m not joking.

Witness, for instance, an entry I wrote when I was six, concerning a movie my parents had borrowed from a friend of theirs which turned out to have a little “surprise” on the end of the tape (in those days we used video cassettes, as well as writing things on “paper” rather than on the Internet. Quaint!) …


The full text reads:

“Monday 9th May

I have got a video and I have seen star wars four times and I have seen Bugsy malone twelve and a half times Jennifer has taped Bugsy Malone aswell one night when my mum and dad were watching a film on the video when it was finished a blue moovy came on my mum and dad did not like it and my mum was frightened to get another tape ancase there was another blue moovy on it”

Just in case my parents’ apparent porn consumption* required further clarification, of course, I provided a handy illustration of the events outlined above,  so the school would know whether or not they should be calling social services about this:

Luckily when the teacher asked me what a “blue moovy” was, I was quickly able to explain that it is a “moovy” in which everything is coloured blue. Obviously. And when my parents visited the school for parents evening that term, they were able to further clarify (at their own insistence, I have to add – the teacher by this point thought it was hilarious)  that this “blue movie” had been as much of a surprise to them as it probably had been to my teacher, and that although the illustration suggests that I had been present during the screening of the infamous moovy (it almost feels like you’re there now, doesn’t it, so masterful was my command of the blue crayon…), I had, in fact, only found out about it because I overheard my mum telling my gran the story. Which I faithfully committed to writing in what I now think of as the very first version of this here blog, a document I spent most of Saturday re-reading and laughing until I cried.

In the years that followed, you’ll be glad to know that I learned how to punctuate a little better. I never did learn to stop embarrassing myself in public, though…

* My mum says she will ground me if I don’t explain that they had borrowed a film someone had recorded from the TV, had watched it, and when it ended, had discovered that it had apparently been recorded over the top of something a little more adult  than the film they had borrowed. She would also probably like me to clarify that my parents DID try to teach me that there are some things in life you just don’t share, but given that I’ve already told the Internet all about my knickers and how I keep on dyeing them grey, it doesn’t look like that lesson sunk in particularly well…



  1. Oh my. That's hilarious. That made my Monday. 🙂

    Bought some marshmallow fluff from the grovery store yesterday and it is is sooo yummy! Didn't know what that stuff was 'til I read about it on your blog (P&J will never be the same again). Thanks for blogging about it.

    1. Must try marshmallow fluff with peanut butter. Here in central Pennsylvania we call them fluffnutter sandwiches. Great combination of sweet and salty.

    2. Ah, I'm glad I've tempted yet another Innocent to the ways of The Fluff! Not sure fluff sandwiches would be quite my thing, but it is delicious on its own!

    1. Mine are really quite frighteningly detailed – it's amazing, looking back now, what kind of things I clearly thought I needed to preserve forever in writing!

  2. Ahahahaha! Oh, that is so funny. Almost makes me want to have kids. ALMOST.

    I remember having to write and illustrate a mini-book for Father's Day in grade one, and I had only a vague idea what my dad for a living (he was a furniture delivery man for a department store), so I drew him basically as a weight lifting champion, only instead of weights he was listing a stack of couches and refrigerators over his head with one hand. I would have loved to see the teacher's reaction to that assignment.

    1. LOL! There's one drawing in my book which depicts my dad apparently walking on water. Must've been pretty flattering for them to see how we really thought of them 🙂 (Of course, I guess my dad was too busy being mortified about the blue moovy to really care…)

  3. Oh god, that's so funny! P.M.S.L.

    BTW, My kid-handwriting is spookily similar to yours, and I would write classic things such as "My mum says she doesn't like housework but I think she does really." Being a primary school teacher must be like working at a comedy club some days…

  4. Just trying to wake myself up this morning and popped over to have a look at your blog, nearly spat my tea out all over the monitor when reading this. Thanks for making my morning! What a hilarious entry! I'll have to become less of a lurker here now and post more often, loving your sites! My 5 year old is also a little obsessed with Rubin's blog, she is however somewhat perplexed by the fact that a dog can write a blog but says he's very funny! 😉

    Becky – Girlie Gossip

    1. OOh, thanks for the comment, glad you like the blogs! It's a mystery to me, too, how Rubin manages it, quite frankly – I think he must use the computer during the night, when I'm asleep 😉

  5. Oh Amber… Hysterical! What a great start to my Tuesday morning! I've been laughing out loud for the past two posts, and my coworkers probably think I'm loony.

  6. Love it. I think the closest I got to that was recounting how my auntie came to tea and we 'used up all the stuff that was nearly out of date and then we had a fight with my cousin' – which is obviously nowhere near.

    But when I went to Melissa's parents' evening, the headteacher joked he should get in social services as she was asked what made her unhappy and her answer was 'when Mummy smacks my bum" – which I did once in my life thank you very much when she ran into the road and a quick wallop on the bum seemed a good idea. It soon passed though.


    But anyway that there post is one of the best things I have read on the internet for ages, thank you so much for sharing.


    <abbr>Linda´s last blog post..Help! I'm addicted to Amazon</abbr>

    1. Hehe, I sometimes wish I could be a primary school teacher just for a day – must be hilarious! I did stuff like this ALL THE TIME when I was a kid. My parents used to dread opening up that book for fear of what I'd said in it…

      Glad you liked the entry, Linda, your comment made my day 🙂

  7. As funny as this post is, and it really is funny, but I cant help thinking of the people who will be googling Blue Moovys and coming across this blog…. Random enough google searches already occur but they just got a new tag word!!

  8. That's so funny. I also have the old school books with the histerically funny pictures from when I was a child.. Oh how my mum likes to show my friends those..

  9. The early years blogs are so funny, glad you are doing more. I love the blue moovy story. I remember a story from Darren's early schooling. One little girl had written in her diary that her mummy and daddy had been shouting at each other and then daddy threw bricks at mummy. The teacher, rather concerned about domestic violence carefully broached the subject with the mummy only to be told that they were building their own house and they were calling to each other for equipment etc, and mummy was catching the bricks daddy threw and lining them up for daddy to build the walls.

  10. That is so funny! I’m so looking forward to seeing what embarrassing details get revealed as Imogen gets older, so far her stories revolve around going to Dobbies for cakes and the dog!

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