Honest Blogger Award

When Caroline, of Second Hand Shopper fame, nominated me for an Honest Blogger Award, requiring me to list ten honest things about myself, my first thought was, “Christ, is there anything I haven’t yet shared with the Internet?!” My tendency to over-share means that I have already revealed such fascinating stories as “that one time my granny’s dog farted so loudly he terrified himself,” and really, where do you go after that, I ask you?

So at first I wasn’t sure what I would possibly find to tell you about, but then I remembered that nothing is impossible when you have wine on your side, so I poured myself a large one and the following is what I came up with. I’m pretty sure I’ve already shared at least two of these before but hey, don’t blame me, blame my good friend, Lord Pinot of Grigio for that…

Ten Honest Things About Me. That don’t necessarily involve dogs farting.

1. I am totally maths phobic. Like, totally. I count on my fingers and don’t know my times tables (other than the 5 and 10, obviously, because d’uh, everyone knows those, even me.) One of my worst nightmares involves the use of the phrase “If one train leaves the station at 11am, travelling at 65mph….” and if ever I have to deal with numbers I freeze like a rabbit in the headlights and start trembling. So yeah, I really hate maths. Luckily this hasn’t had too much of an impact on my life to date, because so far no one has ever presented me with a triangle and required me to tell them the length of one of its sides, on pain of death. If that ever does happen, though, I’m SO dead…

2. I have trouble telling my left from my right. I mean, I DO know the difference, but if someone tells me to turn right, say, or to raise my left hand in the air, like I just don’t care, I will have to quickly pretend to be picking up a pen (I will do this surreptitiously, obviously. Like, I will put my hand behind my back and do it, I won’t just start picking up pretend pens out of thin air) to “remind” myself which hand is my right. I’m sure I’ve told you this before, but I guess you just have NO EXCUSE for ever forgetting it now, do you?

3. When I describe myself as a hypochondriac? I’m actually not joking.

4. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will probably never write the novel I’ve wanted to write since I was a child. Some people “have books in them” – I’m starting to realise I probably only have blogs in me. Which is a pretty weird sentence to type, really.

5. I sometimes can’t remember what age I am. I have to think about it for a few seconds…

6. When I don’t get any comments on my posts, it makes me horribly insecure. I have considered deleting this blog several times this year because I was hardly getting any comments and came to the conclusion that there was no point in continuing if people weren’t reading. The fact that so many of the bloggers I read myself are able to generate 45 comments just by stating what they ate for breakfast or posting a photo of their kid just reinforces this feeling of inadequacy. High school, much?
Edited to Add: I honestly didn’t write this so that people would feel guilty and leave comments telling me not to delete the blog. I am not thinking of deleting the blog. This point refers to other times during the past year when the comments dried up and I felt like no one was reading. But I don’t feel like that now, so the blog isn’t going anywhere!

7. Speaking of high school: I was the weird one no one would talk to. I was always dressed funny, got good grades (except in maths, natch) and read books for pleasure. Everyone hated me. Point 6 suddenly makes a lot more sense now, no?

8. Going back to the blogging thing: I hate it when I click a link onto someone’s blog and it’s called something like, “Little Johnny’s Mom” or “Mom of Four” or “I’m a Mom Now So I’ve Totally Lost My Own Identity and Can Only Refer to Myself as ‘So-and-So’s Mom’!” Because, you know, I am totally in a position to judge other people’s blogs, being so popular myself and all….

9. Despite writing about fashion and beauty for a living, I look as rough as hell most of the time, and wear jeans every single day in life.

10. If I was American, I would vote for Obama, no question. I find this to be the scariest photo I’ve ever seen in my life, and not just because of my phobia of crustaceans:

Three Scary Monsters

Three Scary Monsters

Every time I see it, I imagine that she wrestled the bear and crab to death. You gotta fear someone like that, you know? Or maybe the crab is one of her minions, ready to do her bidding? Maybe this is a vision of the world if the Republicans win the election? OK, now I’m really freaking myself out here…

I’m supposed to tag lots of people now and make them do this too, but seriously, the picture of the crab is disturbing me to the point where I wish I hadn’t uploaded it now because I will totally have nightmares tonight, and will not be able to look at my blog again until this drops off the front page. So if you have a blog, consider yourself tagged…