Lately I’ve noticed a dramatic increase in the number of people mistaking me for God. By that I don’t mean they’re getting down on their knees and worshipping the wonder that is Me, or even that they praise me like they should, just that they think I know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING.

I know, I know: it’s an easy mistake to make. Am authoritative figure, obviously! So every day I get a whole bunch of emails via The Fashion Police , saying stuff like, “Dear Magic Amber, OMG, I really want a pair of boots that you wrote about in 2006, I have seriously looked at every website on the internet for them, and I can’t find them anywhere, but I know you will be able to find them for me!”

And I’ll be all, “Umm, no, I won’t. Because I am not made of magic, and if you’ve already looked EVERYWHERE with no luck, it’s unlikely I’ll have much luck either, on account of the fact that previously hidden boots do not suddenly become visible to the All Seeing Eye of Amber the Omniscient”. And also because the boots are always from somewhere like Topshop, or Dorothy Perkins, or some other high street store, and trust me, if THEY don’t still stock their own boots three years later, no one else will, either.

Because I am all about helping people, though, (Am benevolent Divine Being), I will generally try and suggest alternatives if I can think of any, before giving in and saying, “Dude: eBay.” (The ones who email me saying, “OK, I’m looking for thigh high boots that are purple with orange spots on, and come in a UK size 12 with a square toe, a heel that is exactly 4.2″ high, but  which don’t look trashy, and are also really comfortable. Oh, and I’m a man, so they need to have extra-wide thighs. Where can I get them?”, on the other hand, I tend just to send directly to eBay. They should pay me commission).

So, the “where can I find X” emails, I don’t mind. After all, I know only too well what it’s like to find yourself desperately in need of a certain coat/shoe/dress/purse-shaped-like-a-bichon-frise, only to discover that you can’t find it anywhere. And when that happens, you will try anything, even emailing bloggers, if you think it will help light your path to The Prechus.

No, it’s the “I can’t tell the difference between someone selling an item and someone just writing about it” emails that bother me. The Fashion Police gets its fair share of these, but most of them come to Hey, Dollface, which, for the benefit of those of you not obsessively following my every move, is my beauty blog, which I use to review beauty products, write about beauty products I WANT to review, and generally worship at the altar of Sephora.

Now, back in March of this year, Heidi Klum released her own skincare line, and I totally bet she was up for weeks on end, mixing potions, gathering ingredients by the light of the full moon and chanting incantations over a cauldron, in order to produce a face cream that claims to make you look exactly like her. OK, not really, but that would’ve been a helluva lot more interesting than what I actually wrote about this event, which can be read here, but which basically says, “Heidi Klum has released a skincare line. There are face creams in it.”

(Incidentally, the only comment on that post is also good for a laugh if you’re bored.)

This morning, I received this email:

—–Original Message—–
Sent: 11 November 2008 01:16
To: Magic Amber
Subject: info commercial order


I ordered Heidi’s skin care line form an info commercial on Sunday October 25th 2008.  The advertisement stated it was a rush delivery for no fee upgrade and would be delivered in 7-10 business day.   It is now over two weeks since I ordered the product and I am still waiting for it.  Please advise me on where my order is.
[Name removed to protect the guilty]

So, either this woman thinks I am Heidi Klum, in which case my life’s work is complete, or she thinks I can look inside the minds of the un-named company who sold her this product, and find out where her order is. And that I can do this without any other information whatsoever on this, not even an order number or anything. (I somehow doubt the company in question, whoever they are, only sold one product on Sunday, October 28th, and are able to track that product knowing only the name of the person who bought it). Because I am magic.

Of course, I replied to the email, letting the woman know that I have no freaking idea where her order is, or, indeed, why she’s even asking me about it, but I somehow doubt I’ve heard the last of this. After all, Thursday is a full moon, and you know what THAT normally means

Seriously, though, I get this kind of thing ALL the time, along with slight variations on the theme, such as the company who are currently hell bent on trying to get me to bulk-buy “police gloves” from them, because they apparently believe The Fashion Police is a real police force, that is in need of gloves.  Either I fail really badly at making it clear to readers that I am not a retailer/actual “police” officer, or a lot of people are… not all that bright.

I’ll let you decide which it is. In the meantime, I’m off to make myself a tinfoil helmet in preparation for Thursday’s full moon…

  1. About a year ago now I wrote about all the lovely holiday season dresses that Warehouse were selling. It is still my top-rated post and I get emails weekly asking for a particular size to be sent to XYZ address, and how should they pay for that please?! This continued even AFTER I edited the post with a capitalised disclaimer stating that I didn’t SELL the dresses through my blog, I just thought they were pretty.

    Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

    Caroline´s last blog post..Armistice Day

    1. Amazing, isn’t it? Do you also get the “Where can I buy the Topshop dress you featured?” type of emails? I get these ALL the time, and it’s really hard to answer them without sounding like you’re talking down to the person…

      1. My favourite one was actually about a Topshop dress. It basically said "you left a comment on another blog a few months ago saying your friend had bought a dress they featured. Could you tell me how to get the dress your friend bought please?"

        I felt so sorry for this person, I actually found them the address and phone number of the Topshop branch in question and suggested they call to see if there were any in the sale.

        <abbr>Caroline´s last blog post..Cosy Up</abbr>

  2. Finally, there is someone who can update me on everything I’ve ordered on the internet! I’ll be emailing you shortly with a list of items I’ve ordered from various websites and demanding shipping updates. Seriously, it sounds like these people should hire personal shoppers to help them if they are that lost, or maybe they should just stick to simple old-fashioned in-store shopping:)

    1. Oh, don’t even get me started on the personal shoppers, because they think I’m one of those, too. I get emails every day saying things like, “I am going to a wedding in December, please can you help me find an outfit?” which, again, I wouldn’t mind, but they give me absolutely no information on their size/shape/colouring/taste, or even which country they live in, which makes picking an outfit for them kinda hard.

      Sadly, most of these get ignored now because I get so many of them that if I tried to find outfits for them all I’d get nothing else done, and the times I *have* done it it’s taken me ages to pick out stuff, and the person rarely even says “thank you”, so it’s a bit of a thankless task…

  3. I was going to say that ending up looking like Heidi Klum is no bad thing but then that would imply that we’re not all gorgeous women in our own right and besides that, where can I get the Heidi Klum skincare range again? Do you deliver to Australia?

    Gotta love the interweb.

    Tracey´s last blog post..Monday Madness

  4. I want to stop trying to understand how the minds of stupid (or thoughtless, careless, lazy, naive) people work, but I can’t help myself. Sometimes a smart, well-adjusted friend of mine does something completely illogical and my brain explodes (especially if it is their habit to do it the same illogical way every time).

    How do you survive these e-mails? I don’t think I could handle it. You should start a support group for surviving stupid people.

    Amy´s last blog post..Sounds of Fall

    1. The emails are actually nothing compared to the comments people post on those blogs: they really do reach a whole new level of “stupid” some days.

      I’m like you in that I would love for it to just wash over me, but it actually boggles my mind sometimes!

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