I know I’ve said this before, but because I’ve never shied away from the thought of repeating myself to the point of tedium, let the record show that I? Really don’t like New Year’s Eve. Basically, the passing of time freaks me out to the max, and so anything that serves to emphasise that passing (birthdays, New Year’s eve, any film with a montage scene…) is just one big ol’ depression fest as far as I’m concerned. God, you wish you were partying with ME tonight, don’t you?
Now, once again, I was going to do a kind of “year in retrospect” entry today, maybe with photos to represent each month and stuff, but then I realised that:
a) I can’t be bothered
b) Everyone is probably out partying, anyway
and
c) It’s not like I’m a small country or something, with a history that merits repeating at the end of the year, in a “Sky News Review of the Year” kinda way, so maybe I’ll just give that one a miss, hey?
Anyway. Normally I don’t bother making any resolutions at this time of year, because I don’t like setting myself up for certain failure (this is a very “glass half full” kind of entry, isn’t it?), so other than the usual “Buy more shoes”, which I always resolve, just so that I can feel like I’ve achieved something, I normally give the resolutions a miss, too.
But. This year I’m going to make one. And I’m going to try to keep it, because, let’s face it, it’s not like I’m getting any younger here, so my New Year’s Resolutions are:
1) Write a novel.
2) Buy a lot of shoes.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I will probably manage to achieve at least 50% of my resolutions. Actually, let’s be honest, I have already ordered a pair of shoes, which will arrive in the first couple of days of 2009, so woo hoo, go me!
Anyway, we’re off out tonight so that we can group around the TV to watch the lonesome piper play his melancholy lament from someone else’s house (It’s the Scottish way) so it only remains for me to wish you a good new year when it comes to you, and to hope that 2009 is everything you wish it to be. Now I’m going to go and get drunk.
 Happy New Year! (note: not actually a picture of me celebrating New Year. The budget doesn’t run to that. Just pretend.)
p.s. – The more observant/bored of you may notice that the blog design is currently borked. I know. Terry is working on it. Fun!
Tagged new year
Well, December really kicked my ass hard, didn’t it? That “mild-ish” head cold I was whining about back on the 23rd? Turned into a “really quite freaking heavy” cold sometime in the early hours of Christmas morning, and while I managed to get through Christmas day itself feeling relatively normal, things continued to get worse, and by Boxing Day my immune system was curled up in a corner of my body somewhere, like the poor, beaten thing it is, and the cold ran rampant, forcing me to spend the entire day flaked out on the couch feeling very, very sorry for myself.
December’s tally:
December 1 – 4: The flu
December 6 – 7 : The cold
December 8 – 10 The flu, reprise. This was actually a worse flu than the one before it AND I was in Tenerife at the time, so yay!
This was followed by…. A COLD SORE! Which arrived on my top lip the day the flu finally released me from its evil clutches, and is the reason I’m wearing bright red lipstick in all of the holiday photos, even the ones where I’ve just got out of bed or am relaxing at the beach. Yes, I was That Girl With Makeup On At the Beach. Sorry.
Brief period of rest/recovery, only not really “recovery” so much because:
December 25 – 29: The cold. Only really bad this time.
So, yeah, screw you, December! You had a lot going for you in terms of holidays, presents and food, but clearly you really HATED me, and that’s why I got to go through all of these events feeling like I’d just been run over by a bus. Thanks, December! My guess is that I’ll be feeling well again by the time I go back to work, so that’s great because even although I’ll have just had almost a month’s holiday, I’ll have managed to gain no benefit from it AT ALL, and will return to my desk a sorry shadow of my former self, run-down and weakened by the illnesses that have just about SLAIN me throughout this month.
Such is the way of it, though. I’m pretty sure my body KNOWS when I’m on holiday and it saves up all the illnesses it’s been meaning to have for then. You know, so I don’t get to take any time off work. I’m also pretty sure I more or less drove myself into the flu this month with my programme of “work myself into the ground in the weeks immediately preceding my holiday”, though, so yeah, won’t be doing that again. I got the memo, body: you can lay off the back-to-back illness now, thanks.
Seriously, though, my body hates me. In every job I’ve ever had, I’ve had an almost perfect attendance record, on account of the fact that my body would somehow get me through even the worst plagues upon the office, only to lay me low with some fun illness the very SECOND I clocked out on holiday. Trust me when I tell you that THIS SUCKS, especially given that I’ve had jobs in which I’ve prayed for a good bout of the flu, if only because it would have relieved the monotony, and because lying in my sick bed would seriously have been more fun than sitting at my desk. Ditto school/university: I never had to worry about getting ill before or during exams, because I’d always – and I do mean always – get ill immediately afterwards instead.
When I was a kid, my parents would dread the school holidays because they knew beyond doubt that I’d have the mumps/the chicken-pox/< insert childhood illness of choice here > for the entire duration of them. One Easter, I got the mumps on the right hand side of my face, and as soon as I reached the end of the quarantine period, I got it AGAIN, on the left hand side of my face, and so the whole thing started again. Every summer my dad would be all, “Where do you want to go on holiday this year?” and my mum would say, “Well, Amber hasn’t had the measles yet, so it’s probably best not to plan anything….” Gah.
Note to self: see about getting the flu jab. Terry gets it every year on account of his transplant (this is presumably why he has remained fighting fit throughout the month now known to me as That Freaking December) and I’m going to see if I can get it too, on account of being a complete and utter drama queen, who really doesn’t deal well with illness. If the NHS won’t give me it (and let’s be honest here: they won’t), I’m prepared to go private and pay for it. Or, actually, Terry will probably be prepared to pay for it, if only to stop the whining…
Anyway, tonight there will be a brief respite for my family, as my parents are taking Terry and I to see Sunshine on Leith at the Festival Theatre in Edinburgh. Not only are we looking forward to the show itself, I won’t be able to talk about my illnesses while it’s on – bonus!
Tagged illness, the cold, the flu
 Santa's Little Helper
Yo ho freakin’ ho!
Yes, folks, this “blawg” message comes to you from me, the Rubinman, Santa Claus, standing in for Amber because – guess what? Yeah, she’s freakin ILL. AGAIN. She totally got the cold, like really bad, on Christmas morning, and actually, yoos should probably all be grateful she did, because if she was here right now she’d just be all, “oooh, mememe, monkies, the cold, me, monkies, cry me a freakin’ river, ME, the end.”
And obviously, yoos would all be like, “Who gives a crap about you, Ginger? Tell us about the Rubinman, that handsome and yet really terrifying young WOLF yoos live with?”
Well Ithe Rubinman is doin good. It’s like, when Amber and Terry went to that “Tenerife” place, I went to live with my Norma and John, and not a moment too soon, because at least they know how to feed a wolf properly, you know what I’m sayin’? Since They came back, Amber and Terry have been callin me “Fatboy” and they just better watch their backs, because I got a bum-bitin’ here with both their names on it. I mean, the Rubinman has got one. Not me, because I am Santa Claus. Ho ho ho.
Yeah, so, for Christmas I brung Amber and Terry quite a lot of stuff. I, like, brung them a lot of clothes, and I also brung them “money”, and I brung Amber one of them “S.A.D. lights” so she can shine it in her face and, like, pretend she’s in the sun and stuff? So, it’s like, you never know, next year she might even write a “blawg” post or two that ISN’T all, “oooh, the cold, ooh don’t like it, gimme sunshine, gimme monkies, woe!” Yeah, right.
Also, They ate, like A LOT of food for that “Christmas”. A LOT of food. And They didn’t even give the Rubinman any of it. It’s like, yoos should totally send him food, ya know? They had a good time, even although Amber totally whined about how it was, like, the third time she’d been ill this month, and stuff. What a clown she is, seriously.
Thank Dog that handsome wolf was there to keep her in line is all I can say.
Hope yoos all had a good “Christmas” too,
love
Rubin Santa Claus
 Stud
Tagged christmas, rubin
Hey, guess what I appear to have got as an early Christmas “present”? Did you guess “another freaking cold?” Congratulations, you win the house cup! Now please shoot me…
Yep, just in case the flu I had the week before my holiday and the flu I had DURING my holiday wasn’t enough, I’ve had a mild-ish head cold since we got back. (I say mild-ish, of course, because I am a drama queen, and ALL my colds are terrible, life-threatening affairs.) Clearly, then, these repeated illnesses mean there is something very wrong with me, and I am probably going to die. Merry Christmas, everyone! Ho ho ho!
Anyway, I’m guessing no one is actually reading this, because you’ll all be off enjoying the holiday, so I thought long and hard about what to give you all as a Christmas present from me to you, and eventually I realised that the best! gift! ever! was staring me in the face: a blurry mobile phone picture of Terry with a monkey on his head! You are welcome.
And one of me (I’m the one in the stripey sweater…):
Also, speaking of stripey sweaters, I’d just like to say that the only reason I wore that one was because I thought it would, like, totally match the monkeys:
You have to think about these things, you know? And OK, it was a little bit embarrassing to have turned up wearing the same outfit as a monkey (I mean, GOD, social death!) but hey, I like to think THAT’S why they liked me so much. Not because they just recognised me as one of their own.
Anyway, clearly I have about a million photos that are exactly like these three, and equally clearly, I am going to show you every single one of them soon, and there’s no point pretending otherwise, but for now, to the main point of this post, which was to wish you all a merry Christmas – I hope you all have a great holiday, and that Santa Claus brings you all the monkeys gifts your heart desires! We’re now off to the parental home for a couple of days so you’re safe from monkey pictures from the time being – HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
P.S. – If you really can’t wait for me to get round to posting the photos of the holiday, the Flickr set can be found here, in all its glory….
Tagged holidays, monkeys, tenerife
Did you miss me? Did you? Did you? Actually, on second thoughts, don’t answer that…
So, we got back late last night after a three hour delay in an airport in which every second flight seemed to have been either cancelled or diverted somewhere else. The place was just one seething mass of humanity, with people crammed into every available space, tucked under chairs and swinging from the ceilings like monkeys. Somehow, though, we survived, and have returned from our holiday to a towering pile of junk mail and an even bigger one of laundry, yay!
Some holiday highlights that I may or may not bore you all with later:
1. How the flu followed me from the UK to Tenerife, forcing me to spend the first three days of my holiday shivering under a pile of blankets, beach towels and assorted items of clothing, convinced that I was doomed to die far from home, in some Spanish hospital where I did not speak the language and therefore would be powerless to prevent the battery of hellish, experimental tests and procedures they would no doubt subject me to.
2. How, instead, I made a full recovery, and felt a bit stupid for having made Terry hire a heater for our hotel room, because, hello, it wasn’t THAT cold!
3. How it WAS quite cold, though: overcast most days, requiring sweaters and jeans/trousers to be worn most of the time, sometimes in multiple layers.
4. How I hadn’t actually packed many of the aforementioned items, having allowed myself to believe that it would, in fact, be blisteringly hot at all times, and no warm clothing would be required. (A particularly stupid move on my part because I’ve been to the Canary Islands out of season before, and I KNOW the weather can be chilly).
5. How this horrendous packing job of mine (look, I had the flu at the time, I obviously wasn’t thinking straight, OK?) “forced” me to visit the Zara near our apartment no less than seven times.
6. How I also visited the Mango close to our apartment often enough that I could probably draw you a map of that store, and everything in it, in my sleep.
7. How we managed to get our hire car impounded, and had to pay 119 euros to get it back.
8. How our apartment was located directly above a KARAOKE BAR. That was LOUD. Every night. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE noise?
9. How, on our first Saturday night there, we were woken at 5.30am by an open air rave which we at first thought was happening in our bathroom, so loud was the music, but which actually turned out to be coming from the car park opposite the apartment. And which went on until 8am, even after 10 police cars showed up and made them turn the music down slightly.
10. How we insisted on being moved to another apartment after that.
11. How the new apartment was located next to the pool, which had a bar which played loud music all the livelong day. And into the night.
12. How it also had a double bed which was dressed with sheets belonging to a single bed. If you’ve never tried that particular combination, all I can say to you is: don’t.
13. How, actually, none of these events prevented us from having a fantastic time. No, really.
14. How we went to visit MONKEYS. And the monkeys came and sat on us, and put their little hands into ours, and tried to undo the knot in my halter neck top.
15. How I enjoyed this so much that I insisted we go back to visit the monkeys a second time.
16. How I then talked obsessively about monkeys for the rest of the holiday, and am still talking about them now. God, I want a monkey.
17. How we saw dolphins in the wild, from a speedboat which we got completely to ourselves, to sail close to the biggest cliffs we’ve ever seen. Amazing.
18. How an American bald eagle flew over our heads and touched me with his feet.
19. How we went to a water park on a sunny day and were flushed down a giant plughole.
20. How we drove up Mount Teide, on a road where we were above the clouds almost the whole time.
21. How we ate a LOT.
22. How, even although I’ve made it sound like a complete catalogue of disasters, we had a truly fantastic time. And I wish I was still there. Good job Christmas is coming up to distract me…
 Not photoshopped. Just looks like it.
Tagged holidays, tenerife, Travel
Well, folks, I have crammed the final pair of shoes into my suitcase, hidden two more pairs in Terry’s hand-luggage, and it looks like we’re ready to go.
Our flight leaves early tomorrow and we’ll have to get up at about 5am to catch it. That’s a time I generally prefer to avoid seeing at all costs, so needless to say, I’m heading to bed early tonight…
For this trip we have made the difficult decision not to take the laptop, because:
a) The place we’re staying is very basic, so there’s no WiFi and we’ll probably be too lazy to find somewhere we can get online
b) Very basic as in, “there’s a good chance the computer will be STOLEN if we leave it in the apartment”.
(It’s also apparently haunted, if the reviews I was reading online last night are to be believed. Which they’re probably not, obviously, but let’s just say that if we’re allocated room 2099, I’ll be asking to move. Far.)
Now, I know this “no laptop” news will hardly have broken any of your hearts, but just in case it has, worry not! For I have discovered how to send photos to Twitter from my phone! And I’m totally going to do it. So, if you ever find yourself thinking, “God, I wonder what Amber is doing RIGHT NOW, and also, what shoes she is wearing?” at some point in the next two weeks, you can just head over here and see for yourself. And you thought I couldn’t GET any more annoying with my holiday photos, eh?
Anyway, that’s it from me for now, and assuming that we actually go to Tenerife tomorrow, and not to our fiery deaths, which is what I fully expect (Fear of Flying: so much fun!), I’ll be lying in the sun for the next two weeks and having a much needed rest. I leave you with this e-card, and lots of love:
Houston, we have a problem.
Other than the “It’s the first week in December and I already spent my entire salary on shoes and clothes” problem, I mean. A DIFFERENT problem.
So, we’re flying out to the Canary Islands on Sunday. HAVE I MENTIONED THIS ENOUGH YET? And our baggage allowance is 15 kilos each. Fifteen. Kilos. Each. Which, really, is nothing, is it? When we fly to America we upgrade to 25 kilos, and that’s just to accommodate my Sephora stuff, you know?
Now, going to Spain is obviously different, because we don’t tend to buy much there. Well, other than all that stuff I bought in Zara last time we were in the Canaries, obviously. There was that. But this time I have imposed a strict budget upon myself. “Amber,” I have said, “you are on a strict budget. Deal with it.” So there will be no Zara. There will be no duty free. There will just be me and my fifteen kilos worth of luggage and OMG how am I supposed to only take fifteen kilos worth of luggage?
From this you can probably guess that I do not travel light. Oh, hell to the no. I am, in fact, what some people (“Some people” = “Terry”) would describe as “high maintenance”. Here are my problems with packing, in no particular order:
1. Shoes.
Well, obviously I want to take them all, don’t I? Look, I edit a shoe blog for a living, it’s part of my job description to have a lot of shoes, OK? (Note: that IS true, Gemma, isn’t it?) But clearly this is out of the question. So what to do? Well, we know we’re going to probably be doing a bit of exploring-on-foot, and we’re also going to be climbing Mount Teide (the highest peak in Spain, fact fans). I’ve actually been up Mount Teide before, as a surly teenager, and naturally I wore unsuitable shoes for the event. And naturally, that’s not something I’m going to be doing again anytime soon, so some kind of “sensible” shoes are clearly in order.
(Note: this is just plain annoying. I mean, valuable space/weight will be taken up by shoes that will be worn only ONCE on this trip. Shoes that will not even make me feel happy, either. This is sheer wastefulness. But if I DON’T take them, I will probably fall and break my neck, and then the whole “Woe is me, for I have to take ugly shoes on holiday with me!” issue will seem pretty silly and I’ll want to slap myself. So, ugly shoes it is.)
So that’s one pair in the bag, so to speak. I will also be taking my flip flops, because I tend to live in them on holiday. But I will need shoes for evening, and here’s the thing: some of my outfits need particular pairs of shoes to go with them, and I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine anything worse than realising that the perfect pair of shoes for your outfit are 2,000 miles away, in your wardrobe at home, can you?*
2. Books
I read a lot. A LOT. And I’m horrendously fussy about what I read (although sometimes you wouldn’t think it) so a lot of my pre-holiday budget is spent on books. I also read fast, so I’ll get through one book on the way there and one book on the way back. The main purpose of this holiday is to give us a chance to relax and be warm, too, so we’ll be spending a lot of time just lazing around, and I can’t laze around without a book in my hand. It is physically impossible. My experience of Spanish holiday resorts is that there’s not generally a great choice of books for English speakers to be found in them, so I take a lot of books with me. And there goes more of my precious 15 kilos…
3. Electronics
Well, I have that whole “have to take the iron everywhere” problem going on, don’t I? And while I do have a travel iron for just these occasions (It only works in parts of Europe that aren’t the UK, or I’d have taken it with me to the christening we went to this summer, rather than taking the ACTUAL iron…), I still have to fit in my hairdryer and a kazillion chargers, power-adaptors, etc. Crap. (No, there will not be an iron in the place we’re going to. It’s THAT kind of basic, unfortunately…)
4. Toiletries
On any given day, there’s more makeup on my face than there is on the MAC counter. I actually manage to edit this down to just a few items for travel, but then there’s contact lens cleaner, eye makeup remover, sunscreen, shampoo, etc. And OK, I concede that they DO sell this stuff in Spain. Of course they do. But I have my favourite brands, you know? And I also like to get to where I’m going and be able to have a shower IMMEDIATELY and then relax (and IRON, obviously), rather than getting to where I’m going and then having to instantly go out and buy shampoo, which is probably what I’m going to end up doing. (The place we’re staying is REALLY basic, so they won’t have those little complimentary shampoos etc.) I’ve tried to “solve” this issue by buying little miniature containers for some stuff, but GOD, there’s still a lot of it.
Oh, yeah, and then there’s my CLOTHES. Almost forgot them.
WHAT I SHOULD DO TO SOLVE THIS HORRIBLE DILEMMA:
Learn how to pack a capsule wardrobe. Track down that elusive pair of shoes that is suitable for every occasion in life, even climbing mountains. Accept that I will just have to buy toiletries when I get there and then leave them behind, and that no, they will not be my “special” brands. Learn to live without the tyranny of the hairdryer and the iron. Slap self. Stop being such a little princess all the time. Slap self again. Twice.
WHAT I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE:
Bought tremendously large shoulder bag to act as carry-on. (Yes, it meets airline regulations.) Wrote this post on my blawg.
WHAT I WILL BE DOING WHEN THE TIME COMES TO START PACKING:
Stuffing tremendously large carry-on full of stuff that will not fit in the suitcase. Wearing at least four layers of clothes to travel in. Sneaking iron and hairdryer into Terry’s case when he’s not looking. Panicking.
Seriously, though: 15 kilos. That’s just cruel….
* Being facetious here, just in case you didn’t realise and want to rip me a new one. Because yes, OF COURSE there are worse things in the world than being without the right shoes. But not many things, it has to be said…
Tagged Outfits, shoes, Travel
I’m feeling a little better today. Only a little, but hey, at least I wasn’t up all night waiting for the sweet release of death, so that’s something.
In a break from our regularly scheduled “Woe is me!” programme, then, I present an email I received this morning from one “Cathelina Waldron”, who I can only assume has stumbled across one of my posts on the subject of 80′s fashion over at The Fashion Police.
Cathelina writes:
“First off i want to say that CLEARLY you dont know nothing about fashion if you state that 80s fashion is a crime of fashion, and also you stated that there was very little about 80s fashion to love. I just want to say that you are wrong, you just have to love everything about the 80s fashion. In case you havent already noticed the 80s fashion has laid out the foundation for the fashions that we have today. In fact 80s fashion is still in fashion. You must feel really dumb for posting that. Considering it makes you look like you dont know anything about what you are talking about. if you need examples i will gladly give them to you to present to you how wrong you are about 80s fashion, and how it is infact, still in fashion today! “
(Spelling and grammar as in the original. Imagine the text of this email in bright pink to get the full effect.)
So. Obviously I had no idea I was supposed to run all of my opinions past this woman, who clearly has the authority to tell me that I “have” to love certain things. This has seriously concerned me: I wonder if there are other things out there that I “have” to love, but don’t, because Cathelina hasn’t written to me yet to tell me what my opinion should be on them? Maybe I should ask her to give me a list of all the things I “have” to love? Hmm.
All sarcasm aside, though, can you even IMAGINE getting THAT annoyed about someone’s opinions on shell-suits and puffball skirts that you feel the need to email them an ugly rant? Seriously, I have no idea what Cathelina’s problem is, but I really hope she’s getting help for her obvious issues…
I also hope the wind blows really hard and messes up her hair.
Tagged email fun, OMG internet drama!, the fashion police
Yeah, it was the cold. Only at night? At night it turns into the flu, and I lie awake wearing all the clothes I can possibly wrap around my body, accessorized with two hot water bottles, one heating pad and a blanket. And I am STILL COLD. Monday night was rough. On Tuesday, I felt a little better. “Am almost cured!” I thought, smugly. “Will get a good night’s sleep tonight, and will wake up in the morning as good as new!”
I am not as good as new. And I did not get “a good night’s sleep”. Neither did Terry, on account of my shaking like a leaf because I was so cold, and repeatedly asking him if he could take me to the hospital so they could wrap me in one of those foil blanket things you see on people with hypothermia in the movies. (Note to self: check eBay to see if you can maybe buy them things.) Seriously, I have never been so cold in all my life, and I’m actually not sure whether I feel cold because I’m ill, or whether I just feel ill because it’s SO FREAKING COLD. There’s more snow forecast for tonight, too, and seriously, if I wasn’t due to leave the country at the weekend for warmer climes, I’d be willing to sell my soul right now for a plane ticket to somewhere warm. It’s THAT cold.
So, today, none of us are really on top form. Not even Rubin, who used Terry’s repeated trips to the kitchen to refill my hot water bottles as an excuse to bark the house down, and we had to bring him into bed with us to get him to shut up. This might have worked out OK (hell, any extra body heat AT ALL is welcome right now as far as I’m concerned), except he only wanted to sleep ON MY CHEST and that… was not so good.
So. This week has really sucked, to be honest, and it has sucked so much that I suspect my entire holiday will be spent recovering from it. So that’s just great! Now I’m just waiting for Terry to catch whatever it is I’ve had. Or for the house to fall down.
On the plus side, the Week O’Fail has totally distracted me from the fear of flying…
Tagged the cold, the weather
I know I’ve hardly mentioned this AT ALL, but I’m going on holiday this Sunday. THIS SUNDAY. Before I go, I have 26 blog posts still to write, and I’m not even making that figure up: I actually have 26 blog posts still to write. And I have to pack. And clean! I have to clean like a madwoman! (Side note: am I the only person who feels moved to clean their home into oblivion before leaving it on a trip? Yes, I thought so…) And I have to do… other things. That totally escape me right now, but that’s OK because I have a three page To Do list to refer back to, I just need to remember where I put it.
It stands to reason, then, that I think I’m getting the cold. OF COURSE I am. Because that will screw up my week nicely, making it even harder than it already is to find something to write about the kazillionth pair of shoes I’ve written about this week, and probably causing me to rock up to the airport (AARGH! Airport! OMGIAMFRIGHTENEDOFFLYING!) with a suitcase filled with socks and nothing else. Or something.
GOD.
I am drinking Lemsip and hoping for the best. And telling myself that at least if I get ill NOW it’ll be marginally better than having a repeat of the whole “getting the flu during my honeymoon and then passing it onto my new husband” fiasco I managed to pull off LAST year.
Good health vibes would be greatly appreciated. Also: shoes.
Tagged the cold
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