Ask Amber: tanned butts, jeans and more

Yes, folks, we’ve reached that time again when I have absolutely nothing to write about, and so I fall back on answering the questions people ask me through my keyword referrers – the terms people type into Google which somehow lead them to this here site. Oh, come on, you love it really. And if you don’t, well…. just pretend.

Today we’re kicking off with…

how come hot summers in Scotland are so horrible?

Oh, you poor child. Hot summers in Scotland are not “horrible” – they’re fictional. No, really, they don’t exist. We haven’t had a hot summer here since 1976, and I’m starting to think even that one was probably just an urban myth. I mean, there is a reason I go to Florida every summer, you know: it’s the only chance I get to wear all of those summer clothes I keep buying.

(Seriously, this is really starting to annoy me this year. I have all these clothes, just BEGGING to be worn, and can I wear them? No, I cannot. Well, I mean, yes, I can, but only if I want to freeze my ass off.)

should i tan my butt?

Ooh! OK, I’m going to assume you mean “tan” as in the Fake Bake variety, here. The answer to your question is… dunno.  Up to you, really. I, personally, have indeed chosen to “tan my butt” this year. I made this difficult decision a few weeks ago, when I noticed a ghost at the back of our Body Combat class. What was strange about this ghost was that, rather than being scary, it was kinda trying to work out along with the rest of the class, its pale skin shining like the moon as it bumbled its way through the kicks and punches.  And then I realised that, yes, that ghost was me. And as soon as I got home, I hit the fake tan, hard. (By which I mean, “you wouldn’t really be able to tell the difference, but I can no longer stand in for the moon on a dark night.”)  Somehow it actually worked out for me this time, and it didn’t go streaky or orange, like it usually does. I fully expect to have jinxed myself now, just by writing that. Expect an “OMG, I am orange!” entry soon, but probably not until the day before I go on holiday. I did mention I was going on holiday, didn’t I? Good.

what do you call a black person with red hair?

Jim-Bob. Srsly.

Body Attack and Body Pump in the same night?

What are you, the Duracel Bunny?

Can I leave a Bichon Frise all day?

Only if you don’t mind getting your radiators peed on.

Can I wear jeans to a christening?

OK, go to the bottom of the class.  NO, you cannot wear jeans to a christening. Or to a wedding. Or to any formal event, unless it’s being held inside a Western movie. Seriously, what is wrong with people? Why do they always want to wear jeans to EVERYTHING? Put down the jeans. Step away from the jeans. FORGET THE FREAKIN JEANS for ONE DAY, is that too much to ask?

(OK, I overreact. Wear jeans if you want. But if it was MY christening  – or my baby’s christening, anyway – I’d probably be a little disappointed that you couldn’t be bothered making just a little more effort than that.)

Can you wear coloured cardigans with black dresses?

There’s no specific law against this, as far as I’m aware. Unlike, say, the “jeans to a christening” thing, above.

How can I stop people making fun of my red hair?

I normally just smack them in the face, to be honest.  If they don’t like it, I tell them to get a freaking sense of humour already, d’uh!

Photograph of a book called Forever Amber?

forever-amber

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are welcome.

(p.s. You should all totally go and read this article , which Alex wrote for BitchBuzz – made my day!)


11 Comments

  • anuroopa says:

    the smacking people in the face bit was brilliant.

    anuroopa´s last blog post..another note

  • Mum says:

    Alex just got a new fan.

    Mum´s last blog post..Pod Hanging Garden Chair. Heatwave not necessary.

  • maz aka MallyMon says:

    Thanks for the bit about Kathleen Winsor, Amber. I feel I've learned such a lot today, I wanted to see if I could discover who had painted the picture on the book cover, so googled her and found out that she was one of Artie Shaw's 8 wives. As you know, he was a famous clarinet player/bandleader/composer/actor of the '40s and was also married to Lana Turner and Ava Gardner. I love his music. I also read the piece by Alex and enjoyed that, as well as the post about Rubin – I laughed 'til I cried! Bless him, his little face is so cute. I have to read Kathleen's book now, who knew that it was racy, popular, made into a film and ahead of its time? I'm feeling quite ignorant now, in fact! More so as I never did find out who painted that pic. (Ah well, there's always tomorrow.)

    • Amber says:

      I actually spent ages Googling for that picture too, because the copy I have (and the one I wanted to show) has a photograph of a buxom blonde with lots of black eyeliner and nude lippy which I'm sure isn't historically accurate!

      I recommend the book, though, if you're ever in the mood for a racy historical romance. It also has a lot of detail about the period (it covers the great plague in horrific detail) which is quite fascinating. And Amber St. Clare is a fabulous fictional heroine!

  • Sophie says:

    Hello! I have just been lurking on this site for ages and rarely commenting. I just thought I should make myself known :)

  • Sophie says:

    Heehee! Thanks – will continue to pop up then I guess :)

  • Back when I first fake & baked there was only the tanning beds, not the stand-up, complete and even coverage stalls of today. Since the tanning lights are big tubes under the the bed’s glass, I ended up with a very distinctive striped pattern on my butt. Of course, since my butt had never been exposed to natural light before, it was a festive red and white pattern.

    Amanda Nicole´s last blog post..sitting pretty

  • Nina says:

    Mwahaa, love it. The part with the duracel bunny really got me ;) Love your blog, seriously :)

    Nina´s last blog post..Patience

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