Remember the sorry story of how I lost my TAX DISC? And had to apply for a new TAX DISC? Because the old TAX DISC was lost, and when something is lost, you don’t have it any more?
(Don’t worry, the caps are there for a reason. I haven’t just developed a weird case of car-related Tourettes. TAX DISC!)
Did you, at any point in that story, get the feeling that, “Oh my God, we haven’t heard the end of this yet?” Because if so, you were right. Sigh.
First I had to print out and fill in a form. You know, to get the DVLA to replace my missing TAX DISC? That was a bit of a saga in itself, partly because I really suck at filling in forms (I used blue ink rather than the required-on-pain-of-death black ink, and I put my date of birth in the “today’s date” box), but also because this form contained a bunch of questions like: “Please enter your BlahBlah number. This can be found on your TAX DISC”. And I was all, “Oh, my TAX DISC, you say? The one that’s LOST? As in, I don’t have it? Sure, let me just grab my LOST TAX DISC that I don’t have, so I can fill in this number from it, so that you can replace my LOST TAX DISC!”
It also contained the question, “How was the original TAX DISC lost?” Which stumped me a little, I have to admit. I considered two different answers:
1. Provide them with a link to this post.
or
2. Write something along the lines of “If I knew that, I’d have a chance of finding it, and I wouldn’t have to fill in this stupid form, brainiacs.”
But in the end I went with option 3, which involved the laborious printing (in block caps! That I had to write with my hand! I don’t ever write by hand now. I barely remember how to do it, to be honest.) of a lengthy explanation that went something like, “Well, it was on the worktop in the kitchen? Next to the kettle? Or maybe the toaster? But the original tax disc still had a few weeks to run, and I was about to go on holiday, then with all of the excitement of the holiday (I touched a dolphin!!) I forgot all about it, and then suddenly the tax disc wasn’t there any more, and I think I might have thrown it out by mistake, but I’m really not sure. Do you know? Also, have you seen my green dress?”
It was at this point that I realised I’d used the FORBIDDEN blue ink, though, so I had to print out a new form and start all over again (this time I just wrote “I think I threw it out. Whoops!”), then I had to write out a cheque for £7, and I haven’t used cheques since about 1999, so first I had to find my cheque book, then I had to hunt down my Vehicle Registration Document, which they also needed, and I had to put these items into an envelope along with some powdered unicorn horn, a 4 leafed clover gathered by the light of the full moon, and a clipping from one of God’s toenails. Then I had to get into my car (which, did I mention, does not have a valid TAX DISC?) and drive to the post office, because apparently it’s still 1987 at the DVLA and you can’t just do all of this online, like a normal person. I bet they still use typewriters there, too.
So, all of this just to get a replacement TAX DISC, and do you know what the DVLA sent me this week?
Yes, they sent me…. a replacement VEHICLE REGISTRATION CERTIFICATE!
So that sucked. Remember the bit where I had to send them my existing Vehicle Registration Document? You’d think that would’ve been a clue that this particular certificate WAS NOT LOST. Unlike, say… actually, no, I can’t bring myself to say it one more time. And then I had to pick up the phone (I never “phone”) and go through the whole “Press 1 if you’d like to sit in a call queue for an hour, 2 if you’d like to be transferred to someone who does not speak English, or 3 if you’d prefer to just die now,” thing, so they could tell me they have no idea why they sent me a Vehicle Registration Certificate rather than a You Know What.
They tell me a replacement YKW will be on its way to me later this week. I await its arrival with bated breath.
P.S. TAX DISC!
Tagged car wars, things I lost
This was the view from the car on the way home from the gym this morning:
And that was the view on Sunday, too. And Saturday. And Friday. There was a brief period of No Rain on Monday, but that was just because I switched my wardrobes over on Sunday night, finally succumbing to the growing pressure to pack away my summer clothes and get out the winter woolies once again. Naturally, then, the sun came out on Monday just to taunt me, and make me think I’d been premature in my winter wear decision, but nah, I’m thinking of building an Ark here now, it’s THAT BAD.
The whole “wardrobe changeover” thing was pretty bad too, to be honest. I mean, I’d say it wasn’t much fun, but that would make it sound about a million times better than it actually was. Which was BAD. Where did I get all of those clothes ? What am I supposed to do with them? Why do so many of them look exactly the same as each other? These are the same questions I find myself facing at this time every year, but this time I’m determined to do something about it, utilizing a little technique I read about over at Fi’s blog. It goes like this:
First of all, you make sure all of the hangers in your wardrobe are facing the same direction. (I’ll just sit here and look smug while you do that, because I, of course, am far too anal about these things to permit my hangers to be any other way.) Then basically every time you wear something, you turn the hanger around to face the opposite direction, the idea being that as the weeks go by, you’re able to see at a glance which items are actually earning their keep, and which ones are just passengers in the wardrobe, hanging there unworn while I go out and merrily buy 19 more of them.
I’m going to try this for the next couple of months anyway, and then I’m going to be ruthless and send all of the “passengers” to the charity shop. So that I can go out and replace them with… well, probably with more of the same, knowing me.
(And no, the wardrobe changeover did not lead to the discovery of the missing green dress. I’d hoped it would, but I think it’s time now to accept that the dress is gone for good. Just like my tax disc, top, and that really important letter I threw in the bin on Friday, but managed to rescue two days later when I finally noticed it was missing.)
Tagged clothes
It hasn’t been a good week for my clothes. No, I haven’t lost any of them, but…
First of all I managed to dye my running shoes grey. Yes, grey. They WERE a kind of beige colour, but all of that running I’ve been doing recently had turned them the colour of mud, basically, so when I got back from Wednesday’s run, I decided to throw them in the washing machine, so they’d be nice and clean for my planned trip to the gym the next day.
“And I will throw a bunch of BLACK clothes in with them!” I thought. “Because THAT won’t be a disaster at all!”
But of course, it DID turn out to be a disaster. Because the running shoes came out of the machine GREY. And that’s how I came to find myself making the Least Exciting Shoe Purchase in the Whole World Ever:
 running shoes, yesterday (Yes, I have noted the irony of the fact that I replaced my dyed-grey shoes with a pair of naturally grey shoes…)
In fairness, I had been planning to buy new running shoes for a while. It had become clear to me that if I intend to keep up the running, I would need two pairs of trainers, one for the gym and one for running outside. Because the gym will probably throw me out if I keep trailing mud across their nice clean floors, and it’s not exactly practical to keep washing them all the time. (The shoes, that is. Not the floors. I’m definitely not washing the gym’s floors, no way.) So I bought these, put the old trainers back into the machine for another spin (on their own this time), and, of course, they came out looking totally pristine and back to normal, so I really didn’t need the second pair at all, except I totally did. Whew!
Anyway, as I said, when I washed the shoes, I washed a bunch of other stuff at the same time, and one of those things was a black sports top of mine.
And when I tried to iron that black top? I burnt it, so now it has a giant iron-shaped mark, right in the middle of the chest. Excellent!
And when I let out a shriek and ran to switch off the iron, lest I damage something else with it? I caught the leggings I was wearing (for yes, readers I WAS WEARING LEGGINGS AND I DON’T EVEN CARE, SO THERE) on the back of Rubin’s “den”, and I ripped those leggings to shreds. Well, shred.
Total damages for the day: one pair of running shoes (now thankfully restored to working order), one top, one pair of leggings.
Not bad for a day when I only actually left the house once!
Tagged running, shoes, the gym
The coming winter has made me grumpy – grumpier than usual, I mean – and some words have started getting on my nerves again. And so it is that I present to you now, Part 2 of my occasional “Words I Have Started to Hate” series, which has expanded slightly to include phrases as well as mere words. Well, one phrase. You’re welcome, internet.
1. “hating on”
When did we start hating ON things? Why can’t we just hate them, like in the olden days, when “LOL” still meant “laughing out loud” and wasn’t just a weird kind of punctuation mark to use at the end of every sentence, lol? Also, when did it become law that as soon as you say you don’t exactly love something, everyone will be all “WAH! Stop hating on it!” Can no one have an opinion now?
2. “chillax”
A mixture of chilling and relaxing. Do you see what those clever kids did there? But, um, WHY? Why do we need a special word to denote the activity of chilling AND relaxing? I mean, can you think of a single time you were totally relaxed, but NOT “chilled”? Or a time when you were, like, totally chilled man, but not relaxed? I read a book a couple of weeks ago in which the main character kept wanting to “chillax”, and trust me, it wasn’t an ironic kind of chillaxing either. I hated on that book.
3. “sick”
If you’re actually sick, fine. I hope you feel better soon. If you’re using this word to say you like something, i.e. “This beat is sick!” (yeah, Lady Gaga, I’m looking at YOU), I’m probably hating on you RIGHT NOW. Lol.
4. “Geek/nerd”
Everyone’s a geek these days, aren’t they? Like, absolutely everyone. Because these days you describe yourself as a “geek” simply for using the internet. And you’re proud of that fact. So you will say, “I’ve been online all day. OMG, I’m such a geek, lol!” Er, no you’re not, you’re just someone who uses the internet, like the rest of us. And you’re a “nerd” – and a PROUD nerd at that – if you have any kind of hobby at all: book nerd, clothes nerd, food nerd, movie nerd, chillaxing nerd. I guess I would be a shoe nerd, although “I’m sitting here totally geeking out over my shoes” probably ISN’T something even I would say. I don’t think I’m cool enough to be a nerd, given today’s meaning of the word. And don’t get me wrong, it’s nice that the geeks and the nerds are finally having their day. They’re the Cool Kids now, and everyone seems to want to identify with them. I’m geeking out over writing this list, in fact. I’m such a blog nerd!
5. “nom”
By decree of the internet, all references to food shall henceforth be accompanied by use of the word “nom”. Extra “geek” points if you provide multiple “noms” – nomnomnom! Blame the LOLcats. They started it.
And while I’m on the subject, did you hear that CNN have started a segment called “Just Sayin’“? It’s like the Internet came to life. I fully expect them to follow up with one called “I’m Sorry, But…”, or to require all their newsreaders to use “lol” as punctuation, internet-style. “Out-of-control wildfires are raging through Athens and LA, lol!” Gah.
Over to you, then, folks: what words/phrases are you hating on right now, lol?
Tagged just sayin', lol, words I hate
Well, it’s September, then. That sucks.
And I know: I know everyone who reads this will be all, “Yay! Winter! There will be long walks in the crisp Autumn leaves, while wearing long scarves and looking just like Ali McGraw in Lovestory! And there will be chestnuts roasting on an open fire! Yay, yay, and thrice yay!” And when you say this, I will nod and smile, but secretly I will be thinking “The hell?” Do these people live inside a movie or something? Because, seriously, I don’t even KNOW anyone who has an open fire, so all of you people who look forward to snuggling up in front of one while the snow falls picturesquely outside the window may as well be on another planet as far as I’m concerned. I mean, I guess I could try to roast chestnuts/marshmallows on one of the radiators, but I just don’t think I would get the same effect, somehow.
Long walks, kicking up the crisp Autumn leaves, as if in the montage scene of a movie? Nah. Here we just go directly from “what passes for summer” to “Holy crap, it’s freaking WINTER”. We do not pass ‘Go’. We do not kick up the crisp Autumn leaves. And we certainly don’t look anything like Ali McGraw in Lovestory, because, well, that was actually a movie. As I’ve said before, there is no such thing as winter “fashion” in Scotland, because we just have to wear everything at once. Or at least, I do.
From this, you’ll gather that I’m not exactly enthused about the end of summer. (It actually ended about six weeks ago, here, obviously, but it’s taken the rest of the world a while to catch up.) This weekend I had planned to do my annual wardrobe switchover, when I pack away all my (mostly unworn) summer dresses and short-sleeved tops and get out all of the warm sweaters and thermal underwear I live in for 8 months of the year, but I just couldn’t face it. It was too soon. So, instead, I went shopping.
Before you get excited, though, it wasn’t THAT kind of shopping – you know, the kind that’s actually FUN? It was a “stock up on winter essentials” kind of trip, and it was actually fairly successful, if not exactly enjoyable: last winter I bought a bunch of stuff I didn’t actually wear because it was always too cold and miserable, so this year I decided to just accept the inevitable: that I will be wearing roughly the same outfit from now until next May, and so I bought some warm sweaters and a scarf, and no shoes whatsoever. (Not that I won’t be wearing shoes, you understand: just that I won’t be wearing particularly nice ones, because it will be wet and freezing all the time.) I was hoping that, by doing this, I could force the summer to hang on for just a little longer, just to spite me, but nah: last night we were actually woken up by the sound of the torrential rain hammering on the window, and today it’s more or less “winter”.
I wish I could hibernate until Spring.
(I know: here I am complaining about the weather and SOME PEOPLE DON’T GOT NO WEATHER! The cheek of me.)
Tagged I hate winter, the weather
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