Because I am lazy, here is a quick summary of some things I’ve done in the last week, in a handy list format. You’re welcome!
1. Rendered myself unable to walk, courtesy of the elliptical machine at the gym
Having arrived at the gym, I discovered that the massive blister I’d managed to rub into my foot the day before (People always ask me how I can walk in heels, but it’s always flats that try to kill my feet) was not going to allow me to run as usual. “I’ll just use the elliptical!” I thought. “Because that won’t be painful AT ALL.”
People, I literally couldn’t walk properly the next day, and I’m using the word “literally” in its, er, literal sense here, unlike the girl on The Fashion Police last month who commented, “I literally died when I saw these shoes,” and who was either using “literally” incorrectly, or communicating with me from beyond the grave. Seriously, though, when I got off the machine, my legs were trembling, and when I got up the next day I discovered they were locked into a kind of “sitting down” position, and I had to try and walk around like that until they loosened up. And every time I sat down for more than a few minutes, it would happen again. GOD.
2. Got ID’d while buying a bottle of champagne for my mum’s birthday
Now, you have to understand that this hasn’t happened to me for a WHILE. I used to get ID’d constantly. Up until a few years ago, people would come to my door and, when I answered it, would ask if my parents were at home. (“Probably,” I’d answer, “But they don’t live here, so I can’t say for sure…”) Lately, though, this kind of thing has stopped happening, and I can’t help but notice that my ability to buy alcohol without having to hand over my driver’s licence first has coincided with me ageing like an old hag. And I’ll be honest: I’ve been struggling with this ageing thing. I know you’re supposed to be all, “Oh, I’m so happy in my skin that I don’t care if it has wrinkles,” but I’m more, “Screw that, where’s that expensive face cream that’s supposed to completely immobilize my face?” (Note: that was a joke. I don’t ACTUALLY want to immobilize my face. Maybe just partially immobilize it.) So, anyway, I was downright THRILLED to be asked for ID, although the cashier’s reaction to seeing my driver’s licence was slightly less than thrilling. “JESUS CHRIST!” she said (slightly inappropriately, I felt. Also, I really wanted to say, “Oh, did I give you the wrong card? Look, here’s the one with my other identity: you won’t tell anyone I’m actually Jesus, will you?”) “I’m really sorry,” she said, once she’d regained her composure. “Oh, don’t be sorry,” I assured her. “That’s the best compliment I’ve had all year.” And it totally was.
I’m slightly surprised, though, to find that the under-age drinker’s beverage of choice is apparently CHAMPAGNE now. Kids are so sophisticated these days, aren’t they?
3. Performed the Great Wardrobe Switchover of 2010 (Summer Edition)
I’d put this off for as long as possible because, well, it just kept on snowing, didn’t it? But on Friday the weather took a turn for the (very slightly) warmer, so I decided the time had come to say goodbye to my coats and boots and hello to about fifty million pieces of striped or spotted summer clothing. This time I decided to do the thing properly, so rather than just consigning the old season’s clothes to to the top of the wardrobe, I bought a couple of big plastic containers (seriously, they’re so big you could fit a body in each of them. Just a handy tip there if any of you are currently dealing with body-storage issues.) and put the winter clothes into them. Then I stood for about seven hours, ironing all of the summer stuff that had been crammed into the top of the wardrobe for months and hanging it up. It was Not Fun. Every time I thought I was reaching the end of the pile, I’d find yet ANOTHER dress lurking in a corner. I’d like to say here that the experience was a lesson to me to stop shopping, but we all know that would be a lie, so moving on…
4. Killed my laptop, bought a new one
Relations between me and my laptop had been strained for some time, but last week, due to events too tedious, complicated and totally my fault for me to want to go into here, our differences finally became irreconcilable, and Terry decided it would be simpler just to buy a new one rather than keep on and on (and on, and on…) having to fix the old one, and listen to me whine about it. I’m pretty sure it was mostly the whining that tipped him over the edge, to be honest, which I guess is something to bear in mind next time I want to buy shoes but don’t have any money.
The new laptop is currently on its way, and should be here soon (Maybe even today, in fact!), at which point my working life will be revolutionized, and I will become a super-productive blogging machine, for as long as it takes me to break the new one.
I’m now off to have a shower, as I know from experience that this will be the best way to hasten the arrival of the delivery man…
EDITED TO ADD: The laptop did arrive, but… it’s faulty. Am gutted.