Dressember Day 23: Official Outfitters to the Amber, 2010

(Dress, ASOS.com; shoes, gift from Deichmann; cardigan: random store in Florida, about 8 years ago)

I’m going to call this week ‘ASOS Week’. I know it’s more traditionally known as Advent, or The Week Before Christmas, or SNOW HELL or whatever (actually, just speaking of that, it occurred to me that after the last two winters, our seasons will probably have to be re-named, and we will have Spring, Summer, Autumn and SNOW HELL), but for me it’s going to be ASOS week. It’s completely unintentional, but every year one retailer will suddenly begin making clothes as if with me, and me alone, in mind. Item after item they will produce, and every one I will covet, and will probably buy. Every time I look at that retailer’s website, I will see something that seems to cry “AMBER! AMBER! BUY ME! LOVE ME! THEN, IN A FEW MONTHS, COMPLETELY DISCARD ME IN FAVOUR OF SOMETHING ELSE!” And so it goes.

Most of the time, as you’ll have seen from my frenzied holiday shopping last week, Zara (and occasionally Mango) will shoulder the burden of being named Official Outfitters to the Amber. This year, however, ASOS.com stepped up to the plate, and I suddenly found myself in possession of, um, more than one of their dresses. In fact, I even own more than one of this very dress you see me wearing today, as you’ll see later in ASOS week.

But enough of this dress chatter, for today I have more serious matters to discuss. This morning, you see, I was accused of something so shocking I can hardly bring myself to type it. Yes, people, someone used the comments section of The Fashion Police to accuse me of… of…oh God, I just can’t say it… to accuse me of running adverts on my websites in order to MAKE MONEY. The person said that it was “pretty clear what I was about” and that what I was about was “MONEY” (their caps), and that I was making this MONEY while… wait for it… “lurking as a real fashion site.” (Their poor command of English. “Lurking”? Really? I DO NOT LURK!)

I. AM. SO. BUSTED.

I mean, I don’t know how they found me out, or what Scooby Doo-style shenanigans went into uncovering my clever and dastardly conspiracy, but I can see I’m dealing with a powerful foe here, so I’m just going to hold my hands up and admit it: it’s true, people. I AM placing adverts on my websites in order to make money. I know, it’s shocking. I’m sorry. Here, have a sniff off the smelling salts, quick…

I just don’t know what gave it away. I’d always assumed I’d covered my tracks pretty well all these longs years, and that no one would ever suspect that my true motive in having adverts on the sites was the making of money. (Sorry: MONEY.) I thought people would look at the adverts and think they were, I dunno, just pretty pictures or something? I thought people would look at the number of blogs I have, and the amount of posts that go on to them every day, and think I just had a helluva lot of time on my hands?

I don’t, though. In fact, I’m just a dastardly money-maker, and it’s time I stopped living a lie, readers. So now you know. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me…

A MONEY maker, lurking as a real fashion blog

P.S. I can’t believe I forgot to mention that as well as being accused of making MONEY, the person also charged me with the offence of BEING A SHOP. Apparently all of the posts I write on The Fashion Police are actually thinly veiled adverts for “my” products, which I sell in my “shop”. And I advertise them by writing posts talking about how ugly the things are, in some kind of twisted bid to make people disagree with me and then punish me by buying the thing from me, presumably. Seriously, you couldn’t make this up…