The Takeaways Are On Me, Apparently


Just after I wrote that post about how nothing every happens, and I totally don’t have anything to write about any more, woe!, woe!, the bank called to let me know The Others have stolen my debit card details (again!), and have been using them to try to order takeaway for themselves.

Um, that wasn’t QUITE the kind of thing I had in mind when I said I was looking for something to blog about, universe. I mean, SERIOUSLY. LEAVE MAH MONEY ALONE, OTHERS. I need it for the skirts and the dresses and, well, THE SHOES.

Luckily for me, the transaction in question was declined by the bank, so The Others didn’t actually get any of my money. Ha! Take that, Others! My card, however, has had to be cancelled to make sure they can’t buy anything else with it, so now I have no money unless I drive to the bank in person to collect it, and I mean, AS IF. I’ll just sit here in my house and complain to the internets while I wait on the new card to arrive, thanks,

This is now the second time this has happened to me, the first time being a couple of years ago, when the last day of my vacation was spent on the phone to the bank trying to convince them that as I was in America at the time, I couldn’t possibly have taken a £200 cab ride in London. No, really. Since then I’ve been super-paranoid about identity theft and all that jazz: I signed up to a service which allows me to obsessively check my credit score and make sure no one is applying for a mortgage in my name, I check my bank account on the regular for suspicious activity, I… actually, that’s pretty much it, to be honest. Well, I don’t want it to become A Thing, you know?

The last time this happened, we suspected the card details had been ripped off from a dodgy ATM. “No problem!” I thought, “I’ll just never use another ATM in my life, ever.” And I probably could’ve done it, too, because, like the Queen, I never carry cash. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I’m one of those annoying people who pays for everything by card, and I’m happy to keep it that way. I did, however, withdraw some cash at the cinema a couple of weeks ago, so I GUESS it could’ve happened there. I would be surprised, though, because that ATM is in a really busy mall, so it would be difficult to rig it (Or, you know, whatever it is you call it when you put something into an ATM in order to rip off people’s card details). Wait a second, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t be surprised at all. Nothing The Others do surprises me. Actually trying to steal my money is a new low (Well, an old low, given that they’ve done it before), though, even for them, and I don’t care HOW tasty that takeaway looked, there is no excuse. If I’m paying for fast food, I better be getting to eat it, dammit. Wow, I could really fancy some takeaway around about now, actually.

Anyway, it looks like I’m going to be on a temporary spending ban until my replacement card arrives, so if any fashion retailers go out of business in the next week, you’ll know why. I’m also kicking myself, because when that nice man at the bank read me the list of “suspicious” transactions, starting with the words, “And there’s a payment to – was THAT you?” I should just have denied all knowledge. You always think of these things too late, don’t you?