They’re predicting 100 days of snow, people. The worst winter in sixty years, apparently. And by “they”, I’m not referring to our doom-mongering neighbours this time, but to, like, proper weather experts and stuff. Oh, and also the Daily Express:
I know, I know: the fact that this is the Daily Express, which isn’t the most reliable “news” paper out there, and which seems to think using ALL CAPS is good journalistic practice now (I mean, SERIOUSLY, who would DO THAT? Because I would NEVER.), should be a good clue that this hysterical reporting might just be a scare tactic, designed to whip us all into a frenzy of panic, and in my defence, that’s exactly what I took from it at first.
“Haha, would you look at this!” I chortled, as I read some of the more amusing paragraphs from the article out to Terry. “Can you believe they’re actually trying to tell us that we might get SNOW in WINTER? And that the weather in December might be a tad chillier than it is right now, in autumn?” Oh, how we laughed! And then, once I was done laughing, I decided just to go with the “frenzy of panic” thing after all.
“What if it IS true?” I asked Terry, horror-struck. “I know we can walk to the supermarket from here, but… how will delivery drivers get through with all of my ASOS and Zara orders?”
“They won’t,” said Terry smugly. “Sucks to be you, huh?”
“What if people can’t come to our party because of it?” I asked, and yup, THAT got his attention all right.
You see, we are having a party. It’s a Christmas/house-warming party and it was all Terry’s idea. Terry’s actually been wanting to throw a party since we moved into the house – since BEFORE we moved into the house, actually – and has lobbied for it constantly. In fact, that party is the main reason for our current Hole in the Wall situation, and I’m not even joking. “We can’t have a party if people can’t move freely between the kitchen and living room,” argued Terry. “Also, we’d never see Ewen.” (Ewen is famous for being that guy who’s always in the kitchen at parties: this hole is for him, really.)
So the wall came down, and the party was ON. I was a little bit reluctant, if I’m totally honest. See, in our last house, we didn’t entertain much, purely because the house didn’t lend itself to that. It was so small and cramped that you couldn’t comfortably get many people into it, so we’d always have friends round a few at a time, rather than having a full-on party. Now, however, things are different, and Terry is tremendously excited at the prospect of squeezing in as many people as we possibly can, and has even knocked down a wall to accommodate this. I, meanwhile, am worried.
Things I Am Worried About in Regards to Us Having a Party:
1. What if no one comes to our party?
2. What if people DO come, but they hate it?
3. What if the people who hate it leave early, and it’s just us, Rubin and some sad party music playing in the background?
4. What if we turn out to be really bad at throwing parties?
5. What if that Topshop skirt I want sells out before I get paid?
6. What if everyone who hates our party decides never to speak to us again because of it?
7. What if I can’t think of any more bullet points for this stupid list?
And finally, thanks to the Daily Express:
8. What if we get 100 days of snow and we can’t leave the house, and no one can come to our party?
As you can see, my worries have a particular theme, and the theme can be briefly summed up as “WHAT IF NO ONE COMES TO MY PARTY?”
Oh yeah, and also the thing about that Topshop skirt. There is that.
One hundred days of snow will really mess with my plans, basically. Luckily, however, a few hours after the panic set in, I came across this counter article, from Huffington Post:
Phew! Also: YOU DON’T SAY.
I’d love to believe this is true, but honestly, I have my doubts. I mean, I had to break-out my duvet coat this week, just so I could walk the dog without crying (I still cried, though. I HATE the cold. Did I mention I hate the cold?), and now I think I might need a balaclava or something, because even although I was wearing so many layers I could hardly move, I still felt like my face was about to freeze off.
There is one powerful piece of evidence, however, which tells me the Daily Express definitely has it wrong, and there will be no heavy snow. How do I know this? Purely because I don’t have any travel plans this winter. If I did, we’d be guaranteed those 100 days of snow – maybe even more. Theres’s no point to snow if it doesn’t completely screw up my plans, though, so by selflessly choosing to stay at home this year, I have basically just saved the world.