long, long time ago (I can still remember how that music used to make me smile), I used to run an occasional feature called ‘Inadvertently Ask Amber‘, in which I answered the questions people inadvertently ask me by typing them into Google and ending up on my site, the poor souls. Because when your life is so messed up you find yourself typing the phrase “how to avoid having a ginger baby” into Google, the LAST thing you need is to end up here, getting advice from yours truly, huh? But this is where those people find themselves, and, in a effort to be all helpful and servicey, here are the answers to just a few of the questions that have been popping up in my search referrers recently…
do you have to have red hair to be named scarlett?
Yes, you do, actually. There’s a law about it and everything. If you’re named Scarlett and you DON’T have red hair, you better be worried, because the Name Police are SO coming after you… Speaking of completely fictional police forces that I made up on the spot, but which should totally exist:
internet drama police
There should BE a Internet Drama Police, shouldn’t there? I nominate myself as its Chief. Anyone want to be my depute?
I think a better question here would be, “What the hell happened to my space bar?” don’t you? If you were trying to ask whether you should wear mascara with false eyelashes, however, the answer is that it’s up to you. You don’t NEED to wear mascara with false eyelashes, but if I’m wearing them, I’ll normally apply a quick sweep of mascara, purely because I find it helps blend then in more to my own lashes (which are super-pale) and also anchors them to the lashes a little more reliably. But like I say: up to you. And get that space bar fixed!
what to wear for a christening age 38
First of all, wow, 38: that’s one old baby! Secondly, I got so freaked out by the number of people who arrive at this site after Googling the phrase “can I wear jeans to a christening?” that I wrote this post over on The Fashion Police. If you can’t be bothered reading all 2,000 words of it, though, I will sum it up thus: NO JEANS. Seriously.
weird phobia of people rubbing socked feet together or rubbing socks against the carpet
So, I’m kind of offended that you’re describing this as a “weird” phobia, to be honest, because as far as I’m concerned, it’s weird NOT to hate the sight/sound of people rubbing their socked feet together. Also, I’m including this one purely to prove to my parents that I’m not the only one who feels like this, DAD.
redheads likelihood of stroke
Great, now I’m TERRIFIED. Thanks, Mystery Searcher!
buy a dog with two tails
I can’t help you with the dog with two tails, but I CAN sort you out with a magical unicorn, if you’re interested? Just send £1,000,000 to my Paypal address and I’ll pop it in the post for you! (Well, it’s worth a shot, isn’t it?)
MILKY white skinned woman
OK, this one isn’t actually a question, but last week I was browsing Pinterest, as you do, and I noticed someone had pinned a photo of me, along with a comment (a nice one, I hasten to add), about the white tights I was wearing at the time. Except… I wasn’t actually wearing white tights: THAT’S JUST MY LEGS. So at least ONE of my Google vistors actually found what they were looking for, I guess: not just a milky white skinned woman, but a MILKY white skinned woman!
(Aside: I find it a bit weird when I come across pins of myself, to which people have appended long commentary about the outfit and what they’d change about it. I haven’t come across any really awful ones – YET – but obviously the people aren’t expecting me to see it, so they don’t pull any punches, and it’s a bit like accidentally overhearing someone gossiping about you. I have no actual point to make here, because I’ve long believed that what people say about me behind my back is none of my business, but … yeah, it’s a bit odd.)
(It’s a bit like when people comment on your Instagram just to tag someone else, who they then proceed to discuss you with – often in a language you don’t speak – as if you weren’t there. Which, of course, you ARE, because it’s YOUR photo. Is it just me who finds that a bit rude? )
(I’ll stop with the parenthesis now. I can’t even remember what the original question was now, to be completely honest…)
Why do ginger people smell of week
This was just one of many, many “ginger” related questions: I wasn’t planning to include any of them because you’ve heard it all before, but then I read this one, and now I REALLY want to know what “week” smells like. Any guesses?