Lately I’ve become fascinated by ‘Get Ready With Me’ videos on You Tube: you know, the ones where we see the vlogger wake up (with perfectly coiffed hair!) in a pristine white bed (with unwrinkled sheets!) and make their way to an amazing dressing table, where they proceed to prettily apply their makeup (without making Awkward Mascara Faces!) and get ready for their eminently Instagram-able day?

Er, needless to say, my ‘Get Ready With Me’ wouldn’t really look like that. I started to think about what it WOULD look like on Saturday night, as I prepared to head out to a party our friends were throwing: I’m not a vlogger, obviously, and if I’d tried to take photos I’d probably STILL be getting ready now, but here’s what MY ‘get ready with me’ would look like…

2pm

Consult Facebook for start time time of party. It’s between 7:30 – 8pm. Work out that if we leave at around 7:15, we’ll arrive somewhere in beween those two times, thus achieving a nice compromise between Terry’s desperate desire to always be the first to arrive, and my horror of arriving early. (This fear stems almost entirely from that one time we arrived at a party SO early our hosts were still getting dressed. Terry likes to be prompt, though, and by “prompt” he means, “We’ll get there the day before and wait outside the house until we see signs of life…”)

3pm

Shower and put my hair in velcro rollers. Feel slightly smug about how well-prepared I am. OK, I still have to put on makeup and change out of the loungewear I threw on when I got up, but I have AGES before I need to do that, and until then I can kick back, relax, and bask in the knowledge that for once in my life, I will NOT be rushing out of the house while zipping up my dress with one hand and applying lipstick with the other. Smug!

6:50pm

OH CRAP.

6:51pm

OK, I can totally do this: I mean, I have 25 minutes, and I’ve done my makeup in 10 before, so this situation is TOTALLY under control, seriously.

6:52pm

Now would be a good time to try out that eyeliner tutorial I was watching on You Tube this morning.

eyeliner and mascara

6:55pm

Nope, that didn’t work. Let’s rub it all off and start again.

6:58pm

That didn’t work either. Take it from the top, people!

7:02pm

I HATE EYELINER. Seriously, why is something I do every damn day suddenly SO hard?

7:03pm

Eyes are now bright red from all the rubbing-off and re-applying of liner. It’s too late to do anything about it, though, so I’ll just layer on mascara and hope it disguises it a bit.

7:05pm

A bit more mascara.

7:06pm

God, the lighting in this room is really bad. Is it just me, or do I look like I’m not wearing any mascara? Bit more for luck.

7:07pm

Almost done: just have to apply lipstick, by attempting to imagine what my top lip would look like if I actually had one, and then drawing on a set of lips.

7:10pm

OK, so now I’ve demonstrated what a CLOWN would look like in lipstick, let’s try it again, only with normal lips, m’kay?

7:11pm

GOD, I hate my lips. WHY DO I NOT HAVE A TOP LIP?

getting ready : makeup

7:12pm

That’ll have to do. Let’s just hope the lighting in our friends’ house is just as dim as it is in this stupid bathroom. Now: to the dressing room!

7:13pm

OMG, the light in this room is SO HARSH. I look like I’ve been attacked by a Clown Gang, who have held me down and tried to make me one of THEM. I wonder if I have time to remove it all and start again?

7:14pm

I totally don’t have time to remove it all and start again.

7:16pm 

Dressed! Luckily the outfit I put together in my head while in the shower earlier has turned out to look more or less as I hoped it would. This almost NEVER happens: maybe my luck is finally turning?

7.17pm

Terry has just walked past and said that my eyeliner looks “nice”. I wonder what he meant by that? Is he being sarcastic? Because he’s never mentioned my eyeliner in his LIFE before: I must look even MORE like Amy Winehouse than I thought I did? I wonder if I have time to re-do it?

7:18pm

No.

7:19pm

Still, at least I had the foresight to do my hair earlier this afternoon: now all I have to do is quickly remove the rollers, revealling big, bouncy hair!

7:20pm

OMG, my hair is ENORMOUS. I look like a news anchor from the 1980s. This is supposed to be a casual get-together, and now I’m going to turn up looking like I’ve spent two days locked in a beauty parlour. In 1985. Or whenever it was that people still used the phrase “beauty parlour”.

7:21pm 

I should totally write a blog post about this!  I’ll just pretend I can’t see Terry glaring me and jingling his car keys, while I quickly write that down…

7:22pm

Terry has got into the car and started the engine. It’s killing him to think he might arrive on time, rather than 20 minutes early. I MUST leave now.

7:23pm 

Wait! I’m not wearing any jewellery! This top really needs a small, delicate necklace to set it off properly. I’ll just get one out of my jewellery box.

get ready with me

7:24pm

All of the necklaces in my jewellery box are twisted into a giant ball, despite the fact that I hung them all carefully on the little hooks provided for that very purpose. HOW DOES IT HAPPEN?!

7:25pm

Put on the only necklace I can untangle. It’s much too long. Nothing I can do about it now, though, so quick check to see if I can work out what I’ve forgotten to put into my bag:

Hairbrush? Check

Phone?  Check.

Lipstick, so I can pretend I’m going to freshen it up as soon as it starts to wear off in the centre, even although I know I won’t actually bother, and will return home with my lips outlined in red and totally bare in the middle? Also check. Just need my coat…

7:26pm

Catch sight of myself in the mirrored door while removing my coat from the wardrobe. I hate this outfit. Also, my hair is still so big I’m wondering how I’ll get it into the car.

7:27pm

Open front door. Almost blown backwards by giant gust of gale-force wind. Hair is in knots by the time I make it the few steps the car. So THAT’S how I’ll get it inside!

7:28pm

In car. Drag brush through the tangled mess that is now my hair while Terry turns the heaters up to full blast, so we don’t freeze to death en route.

7:29pm

“Full blast” = “pointing directly at my head, and blowing with a wind strength of approximately 100mph”. Hair ruined. Again.

7:33pm

We’ve reached the outskirts of the village! We’re finally on our way! Nothing can stop us now!

7:34pm

Well, nothing except the realisation that we’ve left the drinks we were bringing to the party sitting on the kitchen table, anyway. Turn back.

makeup and accessories

7:37pm

Back at house. Quickly check reflection in rear-view mirror while Terry collects the drinks. Hair is now flatter than the very flattest of flat pancakes, while eyeliner looks like it was applied by a small child, wielding a blunt crayon.

7:41pm

Drop off Rubin with my parents, who will be dog-sitting for the night. I’m pretty sure they were looking at my eyeliner funny. I really hope everyone’s drunk by the time we arrive.

7:44pm

Terry informs me he doesn’t actually remember the address we’re going to. Neither do I. Magical Mystery Tour!

7:50pm 

Arrive at what we think is the right house. I hide around the corner while Terry goes to the door. Too late, it occurs to me that if it IS the wrong house, Terry will probably go in anyway, and party with whoever happens to live there. The trials of being married to an extrovert…

7:51pm

It’s the right house! And we’re on time, even although Terry secretly thinks we should have been here three hours ago! Success!

7:52pm

Totally the first people to arrive: Terry wins.

4:00am

Arrive back home. Lipstick is forming a bright red circle around my mouth, and I’m missing a button, but I DID have fun: and that’s what matters, right?

(Before anyone starts to work out the inconsistencies in my timeline: all timings are approximate. Terry would’ve divorced me if I’d kept stopping to make a note of the time every couple of minutes…)

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33 Comments
  1. Thanks this was hilarious! Love the idea of Terry casually strolling into the wrong hoise and partying it up anyway :p

  2. I am totally more like Terry with partying/arriving for meals/going out anywhere/meeting anyone (the list goes on) however; my Mum is lot more like you, organised chaos that somehow means she always leaves the house on time and dressed!
    Maybe that’s why I have developed Terry like tendancies? In order to counterbalance the chaos?

    1. It’s so weird, because although I ALWAYS end up doing everything at the last possible second, and running around in a panic, I’m STILL almost always early for things! It does work out quite well though: I think if I was like Terry, we really would be turning up to parties while the hosts were still having breakfast or something!

      1. The first time I invited people over to my place in Germany (not a party, a study group), I told people they could show up anytime after 14h. At 14h exactly, I was still wearing half pajamas half clothing, was cleaning up the dishes because I just finished lunch, thinking “no, there’s no way people are going to show up at 14h”, and the doorbell started ringing.

  3. This is me and James to a tee – I hate being the first to arrive anywhere and he always, ALWAYS succeeds in making it happen, despite all of my attempts to thwart him. Why are men like this?! They have no respect for us socially awkward types who can think of nothing worse than standing around awkwardly with the hosts who are blatantly still midway through preparations and wish we weren’t there at all. Also, the red lipstick circle – story of my life. I don’t think I ever manage to top it up when it actually matters, because it only ever occurs to me about an hour or two after I’ve applied it, while I still remember to care.

  4. This made me laugh so much! Interesting that you hate to be the first to arrive at social gatherings: I am definitely a socially awkward introvert but I actually prefer to get there early and “settle in” before the crowds turn up – nothing worse than when you arrive late to a party and everyone turns to see who’s walking through the door…

    1. I just find it really awkward when you get there and the hosts are still setting up, or getting dressed or whatever – I’ve had that happen to me before, and it always makes me feel really flustered, so I try not to be too early!

  5. Great post Amber, it really made me chuckle. I’m always rushing around before I go out, I have a habit of leaving my house at the time when I’m meant to be arriving somewhere. It means I never have that awkward, being the first person there thing but it’s not great when I’m leaving the house at the exact time when I’m meant to be at work or somewhere important!

  6. Loved this! Too bad we didn’t get to see your actual outfit and makeup, because I’m pretty sure they were flawless as usual 🙂

  7. Loved this! My problem with getting ready early is that my hair usually falls flat and my dress ends up prematurely wrinkled before even making it to the car. There is something good about getting ready at the last minute.

    1. This is exactly why I always leave it so late – if I get ready early, by the time I leave the house I’ll be looking like I slept in my clothes and makeup!

  8. I do like the idea of Terry partying with whichever random strangers he comes across. I think mine would go something like this – I very rarely wear makeup, and when I do for work or an event or something it’s normally the exact same look that takes me three minutes to do. Whenever I’m going to a special event I decide that that’s EXACTLY when I should try to be adventurous with something I have never tried before, and of course that’s when I discover that mascara really likes being on my face…

    Nicola // pink-confetti.co.uk

    1. I think my problem is that because I wear makeup every day, I always feel like I have to wear MORE makeup when I’m going out somewhere, so it looks a bit different – and that’s when it all starts to go wrong!

  9. Oh gosh, are you supposed to put makeup on BEFORE getting dressed??? I don’t often bother with too much makeup because I usually look like a blind amputee did my face. So no eyeliner for me!
    This was seriously hilarious by the way, thanks for sharing 🙂

  10. Loved this! My mom loves being early for things, doesn’t matter what the event is she will be early for it. Which is weird since she’s as socially awkward as I am, if not more so. But she’s always yelling at me “We have to GO!” when I know that we have at least 30 minutes before we even need to start to think about leaving. So that makes me run around checking that my phone has the right time and me telling her that I could walk to wherever we’re going in that amount of time and STILL be there early. But no dice, we’re always the first ones anywhere watching the set up. Sorry to the people that invited us! I’ve worked it out to an art to always be 5 minutes late everywhere (except for important places like job interviews and actual jobs!) but my dad tells me that this is rude. “You say you’re going to be there at 7:15, be there at 7!” I didn’t get either of my parents’ early habits!
    Side note, I love that necklace in the photos!

  11. Oh lol. Amber! This is soooo hilarious. When you said it’s “the trial for marrying an extrovert”, my.. I burst into laughter. I’m an extrovert myself and I can totally imagine what my significant other would feel about knocking the wrong house yet still be able to party with strangers.
    I’d love to see your outfit, though. It must be lovely 🙂

  12. Funniest post ever. Your descriptive writing is so vividly visual that it is easy to ‘see’ you and Terry in action.

  13. I loved this post ! I’ve only recently found your blog and I’m loving reading through it so far. I always wonder about the “get ready with me” vlogs too. With two young kids in tow, mine would be over in seconds. I’m lucky if I get to put lippy on these days to go out, and just finding clean clothes that match is a plus 🙂 xx PS: My hubby always loves to arrive early too !

  14. Haha this is so funny and I can totally relate to the bit about trying tutorials from YouTube without success and the whole not having a top lip thing. I’m blessed with the thinnest top lip in history I believe!

  15. I wish I had time to read all the fantastic blogs out there, but This Post is why I follow yours, Amber! Love your humble, witty writing. Thanks so much for letting us get ready with you for an evening

  16. I loved reading this! I relate to this timeline so much! I always think I have all the time in the world, then have NO TIME, then the makeup goes horribly wrong and needs to be re-done, the hair always comes last and is a slapdash affair, but then usually my outfit goes wrong too though! It’s hard work being a woman! Oh and I’m married to a timekeeper too, whereas I’m more the roll up twenty minutes late type, no conflict or stress there at all, no sir-ee! ;-0

  17. I’m usually late, for everything except work and interviews but I’ve lulled myself into a false sense of security because one group of friends are always super late themselves, so I’m always the early one! Then when I go out with other friends I’m always the one they are waiting for! Nightmare. It’s the clothes that get me, I’ll have all my hair and make up done an hour before I leave and I’ll have decided what to wear, I put it on….and hate it, then I spend an hour trying on everything in my wardrobe before settling on the first outfit! And if I’m going to a rock club, those places I used to wear baggy jeans, band tee and vans to I’m absolutely buggered!! Took me two hours last time and I was 30 minutes late!

    1. I’m normally exactly the same with the clothes – I was amazed my outfit actually worked first time this time, but then again, I DID hate it once I was on the way out of the door, so maybe not! I usually go through multiple changes, though, and come home to a house which looks like a wardrobe exploded inside it!

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