The first time I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started writing a pregnancy diary, determined to document every little detail, so I would never forget this amazing – and totally freaky – time in my life.
When that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, just four weeks later, I deleted that pregnancy diary without even looking at it, thinking I’d just start over if if I ever found myself pregnant again. Unfortunately, that next pregnancy, just two months later, turned out to be ectopic – and, after that, I never wanted to write another word about pregnancy, ever again. Well, fast-forward five months, and here I am again: pregnant for the third time, and once again attempting to keep a pregnancy diary which I hope this time will run all the way to birth – fingers crossed!
READ MY PREGNANCY DIARY….
This time around, I didn’t start writing my pregnancy diary until 8 weeks in: it just seemed too much like tempting fate to write anything before that: and it still does, to be perfectly honest. In addition to facing pregnancy after two losses, I’m also dealing with severe health anxiety, which makes pregnancy… I’m going to go with “challenging” here, although you could also say, “A complete freaking nightmare”. Which would also be true.
My pregnancy diary charts all of this, and, due to my anxiety issues, is probably a little different from the kind of thing you might be expecting. In writing this diary, I wanted, not only to document my own experiences, but to write about them as honestly as possible. I know a lot of people believe that pregnancy problems should be glossed over, or just not spoken of at all – that it’s disrespectful to those dealing with infertility and loss to complain about something they’d dearly love to be able to do. I totally understand that point of view, but, having dealt with pregnancy loss myself, I still feel it’s important to be able to tell my story – warts and all. There is SO much pressure on pregnant women to be relentlessly positive and upbeat, even when they feel anything BUT, but the truth is that pregnancy can be a hard and isolating time for many of us, so if this pregnancy diary helps even one woman feel a little bit less alone, then it’ll all have been worth my while.
If you’ve been following my pregnancy diary, you might also enjoy some of the other posts from my pregnancy category, including:
Ever notice the way every Facebook pregnancy announcement tends to be dotted with comments about how you’ll never sleep again, and you’ve basically just ruined your life (not to mention your body?) I avoided parenthood for years because of those comments: but now that I’m facing it myself, I just have to wonder – why are people so negative about parenthood?
One of the aspects of pregnancy I’ve struggled with most is the constant, constant comments about my body shape and size. As someone who’s basically gone through life until now without my size ever being an issue, it’s pretty strange to have my belly suddenly the centre of attention, and focus of every conversation – and I’m shy at the best of times! Add in all of the people who’ve suddenly started addressing me as “mama”, even although I’m pretty sure I didn’t give birth to them, and, well, is it any wonder I’m having a bit of an identity crisis?
If you’ve ever found yourself having to explain why you’re NOT clutching a wine glass for dear life, or how come you haven’t seen any of your friends in weeks, then you’ll probably understand this one, which is all about the trials of having to hide a pregnancy from your nearest and dearest: and, in my case, from the entire internet!
Because I didn’t start my pregnancy diary until week 8, those first few weeks (I found out I was pregnant quite early, at around 3 weeks 5 days) went un-documented. And, OK, if I HAD been documenting those early days, it would mostly have been about vomiting, plus a whole lot of anxiety (finding out you’re pregnant after having had a previous ectopic pregnancy, or after a miscarriage, is pretty different from finding out under other, happier circumstance, and I spent the first couple of weeks absolutely convinced it would be another ectopic: fun times!), so this post was my way to talk a bit about those first few weeks, and what they were like. Oddly enough, although it was all still very recent when I wrote this post, it wasn’t until later that I realised I’d already started to forget some of it, which surprised me a bit, and solidified the decision to try to keep up this little pregnancy diary, so I don’t forget anything else!
A large part of my health anxiety revolves around a complete terror of hospitals, and particularly of having to have a general anaesthetic (I’m weird, I know…), so my first meeting with the midwife who’ll be looking after me for the next few months was really important to me, because it was my first opportunity to go over some of my fears, and find out what kind of support was available. As for how I got on, meanwhile… well, you’ll have to read the post to find out!