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Archive for the ‘Rubinman’ CategoryRubinman Strikes AgainMonday, March 1st, 2010Yesterday afternoon, Terry was out with his friends so I decided to take myself off for a quick spot of shopping. Because that’s what I do when I’m left to my own devices, obviously. (I also apparently buy a whole bunch of summer clothes when left to my own devices, despite the fact that the snow is still thick on the ground and we probably won’t get no summer, anyway. Why must the shops get their summer stock in NOW, when it’s not even CLOSE to summer? Seriously, WHY?) Anyway, when I came home, I found this in the middle of the floor:  EXHIBIT A Well, I knew right away that something bad had gone down in my absence, reason being that this, my friends? Is an EAR. Yes, an EAR. It didn’t take me long to locate the body:  OMG! And it didn’t take me long to identify the chief suspect, either, on account of the fact that once again, he hadn’t even bothered to leave the scene of the crime:  "Who, me? No, I never touched him..." The fact that the body was blue told me that it had been in the water a long time it was none other than “Bluddy”, or “Blue Buddy”, a one-time close-friend and associate of the Rubinman’s. This is the second vicious attack on Bluddy, though, which leads me to suspect that this is not a motiveless crime. As to what the motive actually IS, though, I have absolutely no idea, although Rubin DID show an extraordinary amount of interest in the severed ear that night, totally ignoring the body of his former comrade in arms, and choosing instead to run around with the ear in his mouth like a trophy. Sometimes he would even throw it into the air and pretend to “chase” it. It was all quite inappropriate, actually, especially considering that the erstwhile owner of the ear was RIGHT THERE. Faced with the evidence of his crime, however, Rubin was totally unrepentant:  "SO?" There is but one question on the lips of all of the other toys in the basket now: who will be next to face the wrath of the Rubinman, WHO?  The Toys, yesterday Note: Bluddy is currently recovering in “hospital” before surgery to replace the severed ear. His condition is described as serious but stable. Also, he’s a stuffed toy, so I’m sure he’ll be fine… It never rains but it….peesThursday, November 5th, 2009Last night I stumbled off to bed fairly late. We’ve been working hard to get back to normal after the events of Black Friday, obviously, so I was exhausted and looking forward to a good night’s sleep. I kicked off my shoes, and stepped around to Terry’s side of the bed to close the blinds. And stepped straight into a large pool of water. Only… it wasn’t water, was it? No, it was PEE. The Rubinman had struck again – motive: unknown. He had been walked. He had been out several times that night. Still, though, he had struck. It looks like Terry’s-side-of-the-bed is the new washing machine as far as Rubin is concerned. He HAD been left upstairs alone briefly: we can only assume that he saw a window of opportunity during that time and took it. Thanks, Rubin. You really know how to pick your moments… Posted in Rubinman | 5 Comments »
In the doghouseTuesday, September 29th, 2009Remember the shirt Terry got for completing his 10k run on the weekend? It was white. Pristine. It had the name of the race on the front of it, and, this being the first race of this type Terry had ever competed in, he was fairly pleased with it. So, last night before bed, he took his brand new, sparkling white t-shirt, and he laid it out with the rest of his clothes, so he could wear it to the gym this morning. Well, this morning came, and Terry got up and reached for his (brand new, sparkling white) shirt… And then Terry recoiled in horror, screaming. Because on the shirt was…. was… PEE. Yes, pee. SOMEONE had peed on Terry’s pristine white shirt. Here’s a clue: it wasn’t me. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Terry. This leaves only one real suspect:
He did try to put the blame on TED, but Ted was out partying at the time, so we know it wasn’t him. We’ve tried to piece the events of last night together, and we can only assume that at some point while I was in the bathroom taking my makeup off and Terry was in the office finishing up work, Rubin has snuck into the bedroom and exacted his revenge on the white shirt. It does appear to a be a completely motiveless crime, which is confusing, but then again, Rubin moves in mysterious ways, his, er, wonders to perform, so he doesn’t necessarily need a motive for these things. Strange Things About This Event: (other than the obvious) 1. Although Rubin will pee inside the house if he’s left on his own (or if he can sneak downstairs at some point), he does NOT generally pee upstairs: he seems to understand that this would be crossing a line from which there would be no coming back. So he doesn’t do it… UNTIL NOW. 2. Rubin has been trained to come and “tell” us if he needs to go out. He did not do this, even although Terry was right there. This suggests that Rubin deliberately targeted the white shirt and used stealth manoeuvres to pee on it. WHY? what did it do to him? 3. Although I know this post is going to generate a lot of “helpful” advice about how awful Rubin is, and how he needs to be trained, OMG, he actually hasn’t peed on any of our clothes since he was a puppy. The last time he did this, though, the item in question was ALSO a white shirt belonging to Terry: a pattern? In conclusion: Rubin has basically peed all over Terry’s achievement with the run. Terry is not happy. The white shirt is currently being disinfected. The entire bedroom, in fact, has been disinfected. Rubin, meanwhile, is under close surveillance. I’ll keep you posted… Hat TrickSunday, September 20th, 2009Last week I was taking a look at the River Island website (for, er, research purposes, you understand), when this hat caught my eye:
Remind you of anyone?  Not a hat I think Terry and I should get one each, and wear them every time we’re out with Rubin. In fact, I think EVERYONE should get one. I mean, who WOULDN’T want to walk around with a Rubinman on their head? Gratuitous Rubin: sunbeamSaturday, September 12th, 2009Rubin’s favourite sleeping spot: the little pool of sunlight that falls through the bathroom window and lands in the hallway:
On Saturday morning, the bathroom door was closed, and – get this – he actually went and pushed it open with his paw, just so he could create that little pool of light to lie in. Isn’t he a clever boy? Sometimes? Crime Scene, Do Not EnterWednesday, August 26th, 2009Yesterday I was working away at my desk when I happened to look round to find that OMG, there had been a MURDUR! </ Taggart>
This photo doesn’t really do the scene justice, because there was stuffing EVERYWHERE. Whoever the victim was, it was clear they had been, not just killed, but also skillfully disemboweled. Closer inspection, however, revealed not just one, but TWO possible victims:
On the right of the picture: Bluddy. So called because he is a BLUE version of BUDDY. This unfortunate creature is “Buddy”:
As you can see, Buddy hasn’t been well for quite some time. My mum performed pioneering surgery to sew his face back on after the, er, event that led to its removal, but ol’ Buddy, he just hasn’t been the same since. Sometimes he can’t even remember who he is, the poor guy. We keep him around now for purely sentimental reasons: he was Rubin’s first toy, and actually, we’ve had Buddy longer than we’ve had Rubin, because as soon as Terry and I knew we were definitely getting a dog, we rushed out and bought Buddy for him. When we brought the young Rubinman home, Buddy was bigger than him. Then a year later? Buddy was dead. Shame. Anyway, back to our crime scene, and as I’m sure your keen minds have deduced, our victim was not, in fact, “Bluddy”, but …
Yes, it’s the DUCK! Who is simply known as, er, “Rubin’s Duck”. Or who WAS known as “Rubin’s Duck”, past tense. I don’t think that duck will ever “quack” again, somehow, which is a shame, because it does actually “quack” when Rubin presses it with his nose. DID actually quack. Of course, we didn’t have to look far to find the alleged perp: he was standing right there at the scene of the crime, looking strangely pleased with himself:
He’s all “Yeah, I did it. SO? I’d do it again…” And he would. For now, though, his work here was done:
Still looking inappropriately smug, considering he just disemboweled one of his best friends. That’s the closest we can get him to sit to that dustpan and brush, by the way. Not that I want to spoil anyone’s illusions of how Rubin is a WOLF or anything, but he is TERRIFIED of that thing. Any closer and he will totally lose his mind. I think it must come to life at night and attack him or something. This concludes our investigation into the Sad Case of Rubin’s Duck. Don’t have nightmares, folks… Gardening with RubinMonday, July 13th, 2009I hate gardening. And, yes, I know, I’ve already made my point about that, thanksverymuch, so don’t worry, this isn’t going to be YET ANOTHER POST about how much I hate and resent the fact that I work hard all week, and then on the weekend, instead of relaxing, or doing something nice, I have to do hard, manual labour in the freaking GARDEN instead. Well, to be fair, it kind of IS about that. But it’s mostly about Rubin. Because Rubin is insane. And as much as I hate working in the garden, I’m pretty sure Rubin hates it even more. You see, Rubin hates being parted from Terry or I (or my parents, or Terry’s folks, or whoever his “humans” happen to be at any given time). On Saturdays, Terry goes hillwalking with his friends, which means it’s just me and Rubin, therefore I am the chosen human who mustnotbeleft. Unless, of course, I leave the barrier at the top of the stairs down by mistake (Terry had to make a “barrier” to place at the top of the stairs, to stop Rubin going down and peeing on the washing machine. We call it his “perimeter”. As in, “Quick, Jack, set up a perimeter!”), in which case he will be more than happy to leave me all by myself, while he goes downstairs to pee on the aforementioned washing machine. And sometimes the sofa. Anyway. So, Rubin and I are alone together, and I go out to GARDEN. (Did I mention how much I hate… I did?) Rubin cannot be left in the house, or he barks the place down. (Note: he doesn’t do this if we leave him to actually go somewhere. He’s fine with that. It’s only if I go outside and he knows I’m rightthere but he can’t get at me. Then he barks like a crazy thing. Which, of course, he is.) So I have to take him with me. This is OK while I’m working in the back garden. There are a few horrified minutes when the lawnmower gets switched on and Rubin reacts with shock and awe, but after that he will relax and go about his business, leaving me to go about mine. (Unless The Man is out in the garden behind ours, because if Rubin can see anyone AT ALL while he’s in the garden, he will start barking at them like a crazy thing, and when I come out to bring him back inside, he will run away and force me to chase him.) When I go round to the front, though? All hell breaks loose. I can’t take Rubin into the front because the garden there isn’t fenced in, so he could – and would – run out into the road. Having him on the leash isn’t an option while I’m operating a lawnmower, and you can’t tie him to something stationery either because he would freak out. So I leave him in the back garden. (I’ve tried putting him back in the house at this point, but he knows I’m out there and he gets hysterical. Like,REALLY hysterical. And he tries to climb the furniture so he can get out of the window.) But the back garden has a wrought-iron gate. HE CAN SEE ME. But… he can’t REACH me. And so he goes hysterical. You would be amazed by how much noise a small dog can make when he really puts his mind to it. The whole time I’m working in the front garden, Rubin will be barking. He will not stop. He will not take it down a level. No, he will remain utterly hysterical for as long as it takes for me to return to him. And then he’ll start up all over again when I return to The Front to pick up my gardening stuff. Solution? Well, I can’t very well leave him barking like that, so this time? I had to pick him up and CARRY him with me. Like a clutch bag, basically, with him tucked under one arm, while I used the other to pull out weeds and people walked by going, “Who does she think she is, Paris Hilton?” . Rubin was perfectly happy with this. He just sat there like a little lord, gazing around the street like “Yoos better not mess with me, right?” And all was calm once more. (And I know what you’re thinking: I could just have waited until another time, when Terry was home to look after the dog, but unfortunately you can’t really do that in Scotland – if you get a brief window of dry weather, you have to grab it before it’s gone.) And that was how I passed my Saturday morning: carrying Rubin around like a furry clutch bag while I weeded the garden.
On Sunday, though? On Sunday I bought shoes:
Tags: gardening, prada, rubin, shoes
Posted in Entries With Photos, Fashion, Rubinman, Things I Bought | 16 Comments » Inside the mind of a dogMonday, May 18th, 2009Sometimes I look at Rubin and I think, “GOD, what is that on his face? Has he been eating cat droppings again?” “You know, I really wish I was him.” I mean, not in respect of the Eating of Unmentionables, obviously. And, all things considered, I’d probably prefer not to have to pee in the garden. (Which, funnily enough, isn’t Rubin’s preference either.) But every day in Rubin’s life is just a voyage of discovery. Everything Terry or I do is utterly, utterly fascinating to him. It’s just one new and thrilling thing after another – even when it’s just exactly the same as yesterday in every single respect. To illustrate this, here is a quick glimpse inside Rubin’s head, starting from the point where he wakes up in the morning:
AMBER & TERRY OMG! I totally haven’t seen them for SO! LONG! Excitingexcitingexciting! AMBER & TERRY WHO WOULDA THOUGHT IT?!!! WOW! Outside. Pee. Peepeeepee. Hee! Best. Day. Ever. OMG! Soooo much fun, peeing in the garden, I think I… OMG! POST WOMAN! POOOOOOSSSSTTTT WOOOOOOMMMMMAAAAANNNNN!!! Alert! Alert! Warning! OMFG! Attack! Attack! SO. HYSTERICAL. AAAAARGH! AAAARGH! AAARGH! Inside. Just can’t get over it. Can’t believe it happened. She was, like, in my driveway and everything. I will never forget it as long as I live. EVER. Maybe sleep now, though. Sleep. Awake! OMG Amber is sitting on the bed putting her makeup on!!! Aaaaargh! I want to sit on the bed too! Can I sit on the bed? Can I sit on the bed? Can I sit on the bed? Can I sit on the bed? Can I sit on the bed? Can I sit on the…. On bed. OMG! Best day ever. Best moment of life. WOWOWOW! Cannot belieeeve it! Amber putting makeup on. SO. INTERESTING. Cannot stop looking. Am not going to take my eyes off this. Stare. Starestarestare. STARE. Maybe sleep now. Sleep. AWAKE! OMG Terry is … he is GOING DOWNSTAIRS! Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? Can I come? OMG!OMG! Downstairs. Terry opening fridge, aiiiieee! WOWWOWWOW. Best day of life! Give me something. Give me something. Give me something. Give me something. Give me something. HE GAVE ME SOMETHING OMG! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! ! Back upstairs. Watching Terry intently. SO. INTERESTING. Will not take eyes off him. Stare. Starestarestare. OMG AMBER! Is going into bathroom! WOW. Am going to get in before her! Ruuuuuuuuunnnnn! Fail. Will never get over it. Outside bathroom door. Waiting. Will wait here for as long as necessary. Staring at Terry while waiting. Fascinated by him. Will watch him forever… OMG AMBER! IS BACK! WOWOWWOW! It’s been SO! LONG! Whee! Sleep now.” Rinse, repeat. And that was all before 10am. Wouldn’t it be great if we ALL got so much excitement out of the simple things in life?  rubin A picture is worth a thousand blog postsWednesday, May 6th, 2009There hasn’t been much time for blogging this week. Well, there’s been time for BLOGGING, obviously, because, well, that’s pretty much all I’ve done. But I’ve done so much of it here, here and here that there just hasn’t been time to do any of it, er, here. Sorry. I’d say that all work and no play makes Amber a dull blogger but I guess you already knew that. So! Other than the almighty blogathon that has been my week so far, nothing has happened. I mean, AT ALL. I haven’t yet succumbed to swine flu, which has surprised me, really, because normally if there’s a flu going around, I will get it. Sometimes twice. I’m guessing Swine Flu is probably waiting until I go on holiday next month before it gets me, because, you know, no point in ruining an ordinary working week when you can ruin a much-anticipated holiday instead, is there? (Did I mention I’m going on holiday next month? I am going on holiday next month. Yes, I am going to Florida. I cannot. wait.) Anyway, where was I? I’m sure there was a point to this entry, but dammed if I know what it was. Look, here is a picture of my dog!
And we can only really guess at the ways in which this incident traumatised Ted, because here is what I found him wearing when I walked into the bedroom yesterday:
You see what I have to put up with? A Guest Post from Rubin: WATERGATEFriday, April 10th, 2009 I'm laughin at yoos! Yo, peeps, Rubinman in da house! Yes, it’s really ME, the R-Man! I’m here because, it’s like, I read Amber’s last entry? The one where she’s whining about me peein on that “radiator”? And it was as I thought. They see me peein’: they hatin’! So, like, here’s my side of the “story”. I think you’ll find it’s quite different from what Amber tries to to tell yoos. So, I have called this entry “Watergate”, and the reason I have done that is because it’s about me peeing in the house. Hee! Do you see what I did there? Do you? Do you? Anyway, yes, I have been peein’ in the house. Like, A LOT. I’ve not just been peeing ANYWHERE in the house, though: the Rubinman is more cunning than that. No, I’ve been peein on the radiator in the office, and I’ve been doin it every chance I get. Which, like I said, is A LOT. Before I go any further here, I just want to clear one thing up. Amber and Terry? Them? They’re all, “Wah, Rubinman! Peeing on the radiator is not big and is not clever! Wah!” But, as with so many things in life, They are WRONG about this. Wrong, wrong, WRONG. They are so wrong they could not BE more wrong. Because peeing on the radiator IS big. And it IS clever. And don’t let anyone ever tell yoos differently, kids, srsly. Here is how I do it, just in case yoos need any tips: I wait until They go to see “Gym” and THEN I do it. They go to see this “Gym” dude almost every day. WHO IS HE? Who is this mysterious “Gym” and why do they go to see him so much? (Also, I gotta say this, but they dress like a couple of asses when they go to see “Gym”. Sorry, but it’s true. Lycra pants, Amber? Really?) Anyways, I put up with this “Gym” crap for a while. And then one day I was just like, NO. ENOUGH. I’m not puttin up with this ONE SECOND more. Because I like it to be all about me all the time, you know? And when it’s all about “Gym”, it’s not all about me? So, like, this “Gym”, dude? He is takin the attention that is rightfully mine. Srsly, I am ALL about the attention, so I am totally goin to hunt down this “Gym” and I’m going to bite his bum. It’s, like, Gym? If you’re readin’ this? You better worry, dude, and I’m not even jokin. So, it’s like, that’s the story of WATERGATE. (God, I totally crack myself up sometimes, I really do.) I’m goin to keep doin it until they crack. I think that might have been today, actually, because when they came into the office and they saw the pee, their faces were all mad and they were, like, goin insane? Hee! And what’s funny about THAT is, they haven’t even found the pee I did ON MY OWN BED yet, either. LOL! Smell yas, RUBIN P.S. WRONG  No one puts Rubinman in the corner! |
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RUBIN’S BRAIN:
