Well, the replacement green dress arrived on Saturday morning (I waited all morning for the mail, so obviously it arrived the very second I switched on the shower. I wish I’d thought to do that earlier…) and I can report that All Is  Well. Thankfully, this now concludes the period of my life where I spent an entire month writing about the same freaking dress, over and over again, GOD.

Slightly against my better judgement, but because some of you asked to see it, I now present what’s likely to be The Biggest Anti-Climax in the History of this Blog Ever:

Yes, it’s THAT dress. And actually? That’s not even the replacement dress. I was too lazy to take a photo of it, so this is actually a photo of the original, may it rest it peace. Wherever it is. (WHERE IS IT?!) I’m happy to have tracked down one just like it (only new! With tags!), but even so, I don’t think I will ever wear it now. That would just be ASKING for trouble…

Remember my beloved green dress? The one that was tragically and mysteriously LOST?

Well, it’s still lost.

Sorry, I just realised that the start of this post probably made you think I was about to tell you I found it under the living room rug or something, and oh, how I wish that were true! (Note to self: check under living room rug.) But nope, no such luck. The green dress is still as lost as ever it was: probably even more so, to be honest, given the time that’s now passed since it was last seen.

BUT! BUT!

I have bought a new one! Yes, a NEW GREEN DRESS! That is exactly the same as the OLD green dress in every respect, other than that it is new (with tags, no less!) and, well, NOT LOST. Well, not yet, anyway.

I found the dress last night, on eBay. You see, ever since that terrible day on which I was forced to admit to myself that I would, in all likelihood, never see the original dress again, I have embarked upon a strict regime of searching eBay almost non-stop for one just like it, using multiple different search terms, and calling upon reserves of patience which, to be totally frank, I had NO IDEA I even possessed. There have been days when I’ve forgotten to feed and clothe myself, but BY GOD, I’ve never forgotten to search eBay for THAT DRESS.

And then, last night, I found it. I don’t think that sentence really sums up my shock and excitement at this fact, so let’s see….

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There, that should do it.

Of course, because my non-stop searching meant that I was alerted to the presence of The Dress almost as soon as it was listed, the auction still had a full week to run when I found it. And there was no way on earth I could sit it out for a whole week – I mean, quite apart from anything else, I have to sleep SOME time, you know? – so I emailed the seller and asked her if she’d add a Buy It Now. And then I sat and pressed Send/Receive on my email until she finally replied, several hours later, agreeing to sell it to me. If only I could apply this degree of dedication to OTHER areas of my life!

So, yes, new green dress, same as the old green dress. Brand new. With tags. In my size, and everything. Which kinda makes my whole “I will never, ever find another one like it! Wah!” thing seem a bit silly now, no? And, of course, it will not make me feel any better about What Happened That Night. (WHAT DID HAPPEN THAT NIGHT? It’s driving me insane!), and I will always wonder what happened to my original dress. And top. But at least I will have a new one now. And if the old one ever DOES turn up, then I’ll have TWO of them.

Mind you, I won’t be totally easy in my mind about any of this until the dress is safely in my hands. (I say “safely”  – I don’t think ANYTHING is really “safe” in my hands at the moment, especially given recent events) I mean, what do you think the odds are of this latest dress being lost in the mail? Or suffering the same, mysterious fate as the last one?

I’ll keep you posted. Because clearly there is NO LIMIT to the amount of posts I can write about this freaking green dress. GOD.

[Special disclaimer for all of the people who like to take every word I write super-seriously (hi!): Emotions in this post may have been exaggerated for dramatic effect. May not have been, though.]

I hate gardening. And, yes, I know, I’ve already made my point about that, thanksverymuch, so don’t worry, this isn’t going to be YET ANOTHER POST about how much I hate and resent the fact that I work hard all week, and then on the weekend, instead of relaxing, or doing something nice, I have to do hard, manual labour in the freaking GARDEN instead.

Well, to be fair, it kind of IS about that. But it’s mostly about Rubin. Because Rubin is insane. And as much as I hate working in the garden, I’m pretty sure Rubin hates it even more.

You see, Rubin hates being parted from Terry or I (or my parents, or Terry’s folks, or whoever his “humans” happen to be at any given time). On Saturdays, Terry goes hillwalking with his friends, which means it’s just me and Rubin, therefore I am the chosen human who mustnotbeleft. Unless, of course, I leave the barrier at the top of the stairs down by mistake (Terry had to make a “barrier” to place at the top of the stairs, to stop Rubin going down and peeing on the washing machine. We call it his “perimeter”. As in, “Quick, Jack, set up a perimeter!”), in which case he will be more than happy to leave me all by myself, while he goes downstairs to pee on the aforementioned washing machine. And sometimes the sofa.

Anyway.

So, Rubin and I are alone together, and I go out to GARDEN. (Did I mention how much I hate… I did?) Rubin cannot be left in the house, or he barks the place down. (Note: he doesn’t do this if we leave him to actually go somewhere. He’s fine with that. It’s only if I go outside and he knows I’m rightthere but he can’t get at me. Then he barks like a crazy thing. Which, of course, he is.) So I have to take him with me. This is OK while I’m working in the back garden. There are a few horrified minutes when the lawnmower gets switched on and Rubin reacts with shock and awe, but after that he will relax and go about his business, leaving me to go about mine.

(Unless The Man is out in the garden behind ours, because if Rubin can see anyone AT ALL while he’s in the garden, he will start barking at them like a crazy thing, and when I come out to bring him back inside, he will run away and force me to chase him.)

When I go round to the front, though? All hell breaks loose. I can’t take Rubin into the front because the garden there isn’t fenced in, so he could – and would – run out into the road. Having him on the leash isn’t an option while I’m operating a lawnmower, and you can’t tie him to something stationery either because he would freak out. So I leave him in the back garden. (I’ve tried putting him back in the house at this point, but he knows I’m out there and he gets hysterical. Like,REALLY hysterical. And he tries to climb the furniture so he can get out of the window.) But the back garden has a wrought-iron gate. HE CAN SEE ME. But… he can’t REACH me. And so he goes hysterical. You would be amazed by how much noise a small dog can make when he really puts his mind to it. The whole time I’m working in the front garden, Rubin will be barking. He will not stop. He will not take it down a level. No, he will remain utterly hysterical for as long as it takes for me to return to him. And then he’ll start up all over again when I return to The Front to pick up my gardening stuff.

Solution? Well, I can’t very well leave him barking like that, so this time? I had to pick him up and CARRY him with me. Like a clutch bag, basically, with him tucked under one arm, while I used the other to pull out weeds and people walked by going, “Who does she think she is, Paris Hilton?” . Rubin was perfectly happy with this. He just sat there like a little lord, gazing around the street like “Yoos better not mess with me, right?” And all was calm once more.

(And I know what you’re thinking: I could just have waited until another time, when Terry was home to look after the dog, but unfortunately you can’t really do that in Scotland – if you get a brief window of dry weather, you have to grab it before it’s gone.)

And that was how I passed my Saturday morning: carrying Rubin around like a furry clutch bag while I weeded the garden.

On Sunday, though? On Sunday I bought shoes:

So, Neiman Marcus had a sale on…

Whoops.

I also got a Sephora Loyalty Card. You’d think that would be absolutely useless to me given that I live in a country Sephora doesn’t ship to, but nope, I already qualified for the free gift:

(note: that’s not the free gift. The free gift was a Benefit BadGal mini mascara. Sweet.)

Yesterday we took Terry and my dad for their joint birthday treat (they both had birthdays the week before we came out here):

That’s them. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

They did the parasailing at Disney, so I got to see Mickey briefly:

I wasn’t actually drunk at the time. I just looked it.

We also took a train ride, which came complete with sunset, and also: wine. Very cool.

Tomorrow, though, the thing I’ve been looking forward to most about this trip: swimming with dolphins, yay! Meanwhile, a good time is being had by all:

But especially by me and Terry:

…I got an iphone.
Which means I can now blog from anywhere . I apologize in advance for all of the dog photos this will involve.

And also the photos of me in my parents’ bathroom.

Because I am a selfish childfree person, I spent all my money* on a new dress and shoes. Yay! I also decided to give myself the day off on Monday, so everyone have a great holiday weekend (assuming you’re on holiday, that is. If you’re not, sorry for rubbing your nose in it.)!

(* Not really, though. That was a joke. These both be bargains. Arrr! Oh no, wait: that’s pirate speak, isn’t it?)

Sometime last year, I was obsessively perusing the Topshop website when I stumbled upon a pair of shoes known as ‘Sereno’. I loved them, but I knew they would never be mine because, meh, money.

“Resist them, I will!” I cackled. “Buy them I shall not!” Because, yes, when I talk to myself out loud, I totally do it in the style of Yoda. Doesn’t everyone?

So I didn’t buy the shoes, and almost instantly they sold out, thus confirming that I had been right to conjecture that they would never be mine.

Then we went to Loch Lomond. And as Terry and I rounded the corner of the visitor centre there, we saw a girl sitting outside wearing what I instantly recognised as THE SHOES. So ridiculously high of heel and huge of platform were these shoes that even Terry commented on them. It was then I knew I’d made a mistake with the whole “not buying” thing.  Until then, you see, I hadn’t actually seen the shoes in the flesh, so to speak. They were but images on my computer screen, and those images did not do them justice. In real life, the Sereno platforms were surely the most ridiculous things I’d ever seen, and let me tell you, I am ALL ABOUT the ridiculous shoes.

So I waited until the girl got up and then I ran over, wrenched them off her feet and made off with them, laughing a manic laugh as I went.

No, I’m just kidding. But this sighting of THE SHOES in their natural habitat did bring them to the forefront of my mind, so the next day I had a little look for them on eBay. Just in case. And lo! There they were!

And lo! Two days later, and thanks to a generous contribution of funds from my husband, here they are!

Which just goes to show, kids, if you just wish hard enough, nag your husband for long enough, and are willing to dedicate hours of your time to searching eBay for a pair of shoes that may or may not fit you, dreams can come true! (I didn’t even have to pay more than the original price for them, which is really unusual for me and eBay. AND they were brand new, still with the labels on and everything.)

Don’t you just love a happy ending? Ted certainly does:

He is SO having a mid-life crisis, isn’t he?

Remember last month, when I left Shoewawa and promised to mark the occasion in the most appropriate way I could think of: by buying shoes? And then I didn’t mention that again, and you probably thought I’d forgotten all about it?

AS IF.

Yes, if there’s one thing you can depend on me to do, it’s to follow through on any promises to buy shoes.

And if there’s another thing you can depend on me to do, it’s to take pictures of said shoes, with my dog:

Yes, I know they’re possibly the most kitsch things in the whole world ever. But sometimes you just need a bit of that in your life, no?

One day soon, I will write a post here that ISN’T about the surprises Terry gave me for my birthday.  Maybe tomorrow, in fact. Or, you know, maybe not, because I’m actually quite enjoying writing posts that don’t require me to engage my brain for more than a few seconds at a time (“What?” I hear you say. “You’ve written posts where you DID engage your brain? Show me them!”), so, meh, we’ll see.

Anyway, just to prove that not all of my birthday surprises involved food, on Sunday afternoon I called in the “H&M Surprise”, which basically involved a shopping trip in which I was allowed to choose two things to buy. Clearly there was a limit to this, which is why this post isn’t called, “HOLY CRAP I GOT TWO PAIRS OF LOUBOUTINS, WHOO HOO!”, but I have to say, it was still a whole lot of fun.

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I bought a black dress or some shoes, aren’t you? Well, you are wrong! For once I decided to go against my usual dress-and-shoe-buying-instincts and buy something else. This was mostly prompted by the fact that pretty much ALL I can think about at the moment is summer, and holidays, and weather which can be described without use of the phrases “aaargh!” or “shoot me now, please.” So I got a pair of shorts and a sweater:

And I was totally lying about the “not buying shoes” thing, because on the way back to the car, I spotted these little canvas flats:

“Buy us!” they seemed to cry. “For we, too, will be the perfect addition to your summer holiday wardrobe! Also, we are cheap as chips!”

So, naturally,  I bought them. I bought them myself, though, so they’re not part of the surprises, and really have no place in this entry. Sorry.

(P.S. Terry says thank you very much for all your lovely comments about his surprises, and you’re welcome to use the idea in any way you wish! I, meanwhile, say, “No, you can’t have him!”)

Terry has just reminded me that I haven’t yet provided my monthly breakdown of Things I Bought for February and so, because I know the world will surely end if I don’t list these items, here it is…

February was a bit of a crappy month, as you know, but unhappily this extended to shopping as well as to getting locked out of my car and growing a second head. In a way, you could see this as a good thing (Terry does) because it meant that, for the first time in ages, I was a Good Girl and didn’t spend ALL of my salary the second it hit my bank account, but you could also see it as a Bad Thing (I do) because, well, it just wasn’t much fun, really.

The main source of the Not Fun sprang from the fact that I “took a notion”, as my granny used to say, for new gym clothes. It’s a bit of a pain this “taking a notion” for something. It happens to me a lot, and it generally means that I end up spending all my money on lots of the same kind of thing. Like, one time it was pyjamas. I decided I absolutely could not live without lots of new pyjamas and other “lounge wear” items, and so THAT month I was really well dressed between the hours of about midnight – 8am, but after that, not so much.

Another time it was bed linen. I wanted new bed linen, and I didn’t just want one set: no, I wanted MORE than one set, and I also wanted some cushions and nice blankets, too. (Note: I don’t ALWAYS “take a notion” for things related to sleeping. Just a lot of the time.)

Anyway, this month I took a notion for new gym clothes, in the mistaken belief that they would cause me to leap pout of bed every morning with a smile on my face, just raring to get to that gym, by God! February’s shopping, then, consisted of:

GYM CLOTHES:

• One pair of capri-style running pants
• One pair of jogging pants
• Two tops
• One zip-up jacket thing
• One sports bra

OTHER CLOTHES

• One black dress 
• One,er, bikini
• One cardigan
• One short-sleeved top.

And NO SHOES.

This month: must try harder. (Kidding! I’m kidding!)