email fun

NOT ME

Weird Email of the Week: Miss I-Was-Fat-Forever

During my break from personal blogging, it saddens me to report that people haven’t gotten any better at telling the difference between me and Joan Rivers. The E! channel’s Fashion Police show is currently back on the air, which means that every morning I wake…

I can’t wait to see the Google hits this one gets me…

Foot fetishists. They’re everywhere, aren’t they? And by “everywhere” I mean “they’re on eBay”. In large numbers, apparently. Last week I decided to sell some shoes, you see. (I know! Me getting RID of shoes rather than acquiring them: who’da…

Weird Email of the Week: Where’s PETER?

—–Original Message—– From: Peter’s #1 Fan Sent: 09 March 2010 04:48 To: Magic Amber Subject: peter   Where is PETER???  we want peter backl Peter had knowledge and opinions that mattered. Joan is funny, the others are boring  and bland….

Breaking news: I am not Joan Rivers. Really.

Dear People who keep sending me hate mail relating to the E! Network’s “Fashion Police” show, I AM NOT the E! Network. Or, indeed, Joan Rivers. And I don’t have Kim Kardashian’s number either, so no, I can’t pass on your…

Not a Shop, Part 765: I love hot looks!

I’ve been ill. I’ve been ill in a “having to take time off work to flop uselessly on the couch surrounded by tissues and lemsip” kind of ill. A “can’t stop talking about how bad I feel” kind of way. So I haven’t…

I am not a shop, part 11,876

It’s started again: the whole “let’s pretend Amber is running a shop!” thing, I mean. I’ve had a good few weeks WITHOUT being constantly asked about my “stock” and where I ship to, but this morning I woke up to…

“I get this crap a lot now”

Oh, GOD. Godgodgod. Remember that time I mis-typed my mum’s email address when I was adding it to my Outlook address book (because, hey, we ALL spell our mother’s name wrong sometimes, don’t we?), and, as a result, spent a…

on-the-phone1

Telephone and email ettiquette, revisited

One morning last week, Terry and I returned home from the gym to discover the light on the answerphone flashing. Amongst the usual work-related messages that had been left (for Terry, obviously, not for me. Because I don’t actually “do”…

6a00d8341c873353ef00e553e5a1098833-800wi

I Am Not a Shop. Seriously.

On Friday, a very disturbing email flooded in: —–Original Message—– From: Tights With Flip-Flops Woman  Sent: 27 February 2009 16:45 To: Amber, Finder of Everything Subject: tights for flip flops I have a friend who has “problem feet” and wonder if you…

I don’t know “nothing”

I’m feeling a little better today. Only a little, but hey, at least I wasn’t up all night waiting for the sweet release of death, so that’s something. In a break from our regularly scheduled “Woe is me!” programme, then,…

Under Investigashun

Remember how earlier this week I was getting in a little bit of advance worrying about tonight’s full moon, and the generous helping of Crazy it would no doubt bring to my life? I was right to worry. This morning…

Amber the Omniscient

Lately I’ve noticed a dramatic increase in the number of people mistaking me for God. By that I don’t mean they’re getting down on their knees and worshipping the wonder that is Me, or even that they praise me like…

Random acts of email stupidity

A couple of years ago, some cataclysmic event or other happened to my computer (clearly it was so cataclysmic all memory of it has been wiped from my mind, because I’m dammed if I can remember what it was) and…

I See Stupid People In My Inbox

GOD. As if it wasn’t enough that we have to fight them on the beaches, in the fields, streets and outside the doctor’s surgery, now the Stupid People are freakin’ EMAILING ME. Last week this flooded into my inbox: —–Original…

Glass Houses, Much?

Remember The Perfect People I whined wrote about last week? Well, it turns out I’m not quite done with them yet. In fact, one of them emailed me this morning. Here’s a perfect example of the kind of thing I…