(Dress, ASOS.com; shoes, gift from Deichmann; cardigan: random store in Florida, about 8 years ago)
I’m going to call this week ‘ASOS Week’. I know it’s more traditionally known as Advent, or The Week Before Christmas, or SNOW HELL or whatever (actually, just speaking of that, it occurred to me that after the last two winters, our seasons will probably have to be re-named, and we will have Spring, Summer, Autumn and SNOW HELL), but for me it’s going to be ASOS week. It’s completely unintentional, but every year one retailer will suddenly begin making clothes as if with me, and me alone, in mind. Item after item they will produce, and every one I will covet, and will probably buy. Every time I look at that retailer’s website, I will see something that seems to cry “AMBER! AMBER! BUY ME! LOVE ME! THEN, IN A FEW MONTHS, COMPLETELY DISCARD ME IN FAVOUR OF SOMETHING ELSE!” And so it goes.
Most of the time, as you’ll have seen from my frenzied holiday shopping last week, Zara (and occasionally Mango) will shoulder the burden of being named Official Outfitters to the Amber. This year, however, ASOS.com stepped up to the plate, and I suddenly found myself in possession of, um, more than one of their dresses. In fact, I even own more than one of this very dress you see me wearing today, as you’ll see later in ASOS week.
But enough of this dress chatter, for today I have more serious matters to discuss. This morning, you see, I was accused of something so shocking I can hardly bring myself to type it. Yes, people, someone used the comments section of The Fashion Police to accuse me of… of…oh God, I just can’t say it… to accuse me of running adverts on my websites in order to MAKE MONEY. The person said that it was “pretty clear what I was about” and that what I was about was “MONEY” (their caps), and that I was making this MONEY while… wait for it… “lurking as a real fashion site.” (Their poor command of English. “Lurking”? Really? I DO NOT LURK!)
I. AM. SO. BUSTED.
I mean, I don’t know how they found me out, or what Scooby Doo-style shenanigans went into uncovering my clever and dastardly conspiracy, but I can see I’m dealing with a powerful foe here, so I’m just going to hold my hands up and admit it: it’s true, people. I AM placing adverts on my websites in order to make money. I know, it’s shocking. I’m sorry. Here, have a sniff off the smelling salts, quick…
I just don’t know what gave it away. I’d always assumed I’d covered my tracks pretty well all these longs years, and that no one would ever suspect that my true motive in having adverts on the sites was the making of money. (Sorry: MONEY.) I thought people would look at the adverts and think they were, I dunno, just pretty pictures or something? I thought people would look at the number of blogs I have, and the amount of posts that go on to them every day, and think I just had a helluva lot of time on my hands?
I don’t, though. In fact, I’m just a dastardly money-maker, and it’s time I stopped living a lie, readers. So now you know. I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me…
A MONEY maker, lurking as a real fashion blog
P.S. I can’t believe I forgot to mention that as well as being accused of making MONEY, the person also charged me with the offence of BEING A SHOP. Apparently all of the posts I write on The Fashion Police are actually thinly veiled adverts for “my” products, which I sell in my “shop”. And I advertise them by writing posts talking about how ugly the things are, in some kind of twisted bid to make people disagree with me and then punish me by buying the thing from me, presumably. Seriously, you couldn’t make this up…
Tagged I am not a shop, outfits
A quick snapshot of my Formspring account:
 
This last person, by the way, followed the Formspring question up with no less than three comments on the blog itself, all in the space of ten minutes, and all asking about “sheeping” to Lebanon. I answered the first two questions via email, letting the person know that I can’t provide them with either sheep or shoes as I AM NOT A SHOP, and then the third comment started with the words, “Try to answer my questions, please!” Which I took to mean “Unless you answer my questions by telling me exactly what I want to hear, I will just keep on and on asking them…”
There are some genuine questions in there too, of course, but for the most part it seems to have turned into just one more way for people to pretend I’m a shop. (And even if I was a shop, I doubt I’d be able to answer these questions. I mean, “The blue platform shoes that are in the picture”? “This shoes”? How am I supposed to know what these people are talking about?) Bizarre! I’m just surprised I’ve not had any questions about Joan Rivers yet!
Tagged I am not a shop
Dear People who keep sending me hate mail relating to the E! Network’s “Fashion Police” show,
I AM NOT the E! Network. Or, indeed, Joan Rivers. And I don’t have Kim Kardashian’s number either, so no, I can’t pass on your message to her. Oh, and I have no idea who ‘Guiliana’ is (see: NOT THE E! NETWORK, above), so I really can’t comment on whether or not her head looks like “a giant pea trapped in a worn out floor mop” although I’ll certainly be Googling that as soon as I finish writing this.
To get back to the topic, though: please stop sending me angry messages about people’s pea heads. If you absolutely MUST waste your life sending complete strangers abuse via the internet, at least make sure you get the RIGHT stranger. I have my own hate mail from lunatics, I don’t need to get Joan Rivers’ hate mail too, OK? Don’t they teach you kids ANYTHING in school these days? GOD. When I was a kid, we knew how to properly address hate mail. This was all fields, then…
I would have sent this to you personally, of course, but the first email just made me shake my head and say, “Terry, we got us another idiot, here, open up the Idiot File!” and the next person had managed to make their reply email bounce back. (Which was stupid, by the way. How can I reply to your concerns about the whole pea-head thing if you won’t tell me who you are? I mean, YOU know who I am, so … oh no, wait: you don’t, do you? You think I’m Joan Rivers. There’s no point in me even writing this, is there?)
Yours,
Magic “Not the E! Network” Amber
Tagged email fun, I am not a shop, magic amber
I’ve been ill. I’ve been ill in a “having to take time off work to flop uselessly on the couch surrounded by tissues and lemsip” kind of ill. A “can’t stop talking about how bad I feel” kind of way. So I haven’t been blogging. I can’t write when I’m ill: or I can, but I just write a bunch of maudlin, woe-is-me rubbish. Sometimes I even put in song lyrics and everything, like an emo kid. Instead of all that, then, I bring you an email I received yesterday:
From: Hot Looks Lover
Sent: 21 January 2010 17:22
To: Magic Amber
Subject: i love hot looks
hi,
i’m [name removed] and i love to paint my nails especially with hot looks nail varnish. can’t wait for more colours to come out, i just love your products and the names.
from [removed] XXX
Ps. i think you should do a plum colour with sparkles in and call it revive at midnight.
Oh, damn! Can you believe I COMPLETELY forgot I was the owner of a nail polish brand? Which I apparently named, er, “Hot Looks“. (Note to self: stop drinking.) Now that I’ve been reminded of this totally neglected aspect of my career, however, I will endeavor to get off my lazy ass and make that bad boy a success! Under my expert guidance, Hot Looks will become a nail polish brand to be reckoned with! I will begin by making a plum colour with sparkles in it. I think I will call it “Revive at Midnight”. (No one ask me WHAT is being revived at midnight, OK? Because I have no idea. Vampires, maybe? The thing that lives in my attic?)
I also received an email yesterday that opened with the line, “We would like to send you some of our eyelashes.” Until I realised they were talking about FALSE eyelashes, I was totally freaked out…
Tagged email fun, I am not a shop, magic amber
It’s started again: the whole “let’s pretend Amber is running a shop!” thing, I mean. I’ve had a good few weeks WITHOUT being constantly asked about my “stock” and where I ship to, but this morning I woke up to this:
—–Original Message—–
From: Woman Who Thinks I Have a Shop
Sent: 05 August 2009 02:39
To: Magic Amber
Subject: guerlain kohl kajal eyeliner
Hi
I am wanting to purchase Guerlain Kohl Kajal Eyeliner online. Do you have it in stock?
Woman Who Thinks I Have A Shop (Australia)
And no, WWTIHAS. No, I don’t have it “in stock”, on account of how I AM NOT A SHOP. But still they contact me. Last week, I got this:
—–Original Message—–
From: Ponds Hand Cream Woman
Sent: 02 August 2009 20:04
To: Magic Amber
Cc: Magic Amber
Subject: ponds hand cream
i puchased some ponds hand creame and it was very watery..my address is [removed] [name removed]!
If I was American, I’m guessing the correct response to this would be a chirpy “Thanks for sharing!” But I’m not, so I just thought, “The HELL? That’s … fascinating… about the Ponds Hand Cream and all, but you know, why are you telling ME”? And why the address? What was she expecting me to do, turn up at her house to inspect the watery hand cream in person? And even if I DID sell Ponds Hand Cream(e) (Which, just to be clear, I DON’T), did she think I’d just send her a new one, on the strength of a one-line email? Sending complete strangers on the internet your address: not really such a great idea, no?
Also, note that this person was so keen to tell me about her watery hand cream that she put my email address in the CC box as well as the “to” box. Yes, the SAME email address. So I got two copies of this email, which, first thing in the morning, when I’d yet to have my coffee, convinced me there was some kind of watery hand cream epidemic going on, and that I was The Chosen One, who would have to fix it.
But no: it’s just yet another epidemic of people thinking I’m a shop. And there’s really nothing I can do about it.
Tagged email fun, I am not a shop, magic amber
On Friday, a very disturbing email flooded in:
—–Original Message—–
From: Tights With Flip-Flops Woman
Sent: 27 February 2009 16:45
To: Amber, Finder of Everything
Subject: tights for flip flops
I have a friend who has “problem feet” and wonder if you could supply tights for her to wear flip flops.
Then there was a phone number for me to call with news of the tights-for-flip-flops.
Now, straight away, I can see two problems with this:
1. I AM NOT A SHOP. No, seriously, I’m going to say this again, because the message is clearly not getting through: NOT. A. SHOP. Over the past few weeks there’s been a dramatic increase, not only in the “where can I buy the Topshop dress you featured three years ago?” emails, but in the “I want to buy your [insert product here], when can I get it?” stuff. Honestly. I mean, I’m no brainiac myself, but surely it’s not THAT hard to figure out that TheFashionPolice.net is… wait for it… NOT A SHOP? Apparently not.
2 . If I WAS a shop, I would not be selling these:
(Picture via this post which, you may notice, contains a link to the website selling them. Which is not run by me, needless to say.)
Now, I know about Tabi, and I know this unfortunate woman whose friend emailed me has “problem feet” which apparently make tights-with-flip-flops the only option (WHAT IS THIS CONDITION?), so I will say no more about this other than that the thought of actually wearing those individual nylon “toes” bothers me for reasons I can’t quite articulate. But moving on…
I replied to the tights-seeker, and I told her that no, I can’t supply tights for flip-flops, because I do not have a shop. And she replied:
“can I order on line?
Do you have any tights with a part for a flip flop”
And then I took out the gun I keep under my desk and I shot myself in the head. Because almost every day now there is some variation of this exchange. Almost every day. I spend so much of my time having to spell out to people that no, I do not sell anything, I just write about stuff, that I’m actually thinking I may as well start selling stuff. I mean, I seem to have a ready-made customer base waiting for me, if only I could find out where to bulk-buy tights-for-flip-flops and dresses from three years ago.
(Note: not an invitation to contact me offering job lots of Toe Tights).
Gah.
Tagged email fun, I am not a shop, Outfits
Lately I’ve noticed a dramatic increase in the number of people mistaking me for God. By that I don’t mean they’re getting down on their knees and worshipping the wonder that is Me, or even that they praise me like they should, just that they think I know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING.
I know, I know: it’s an easy mistake to make. Am authoritative figure, obviously! So every day I get a whole bunch of emails via The Fashion Police , saying stuff like, “Dear Magic Amber, OMG, I really want a pair of boots that you wrote about in 2006, I have seriously looked at every website on the internet for them, and I can’t find them anywhere, but I know you will be able to find them for me!”
And I’ll be all, “Umm, no, I won’t. Because I am not made of magic, and if you’ve already looked EVERYWHERE with no luck, it’s unlikely I’ll have much luck either, on account of the fact that previously hidden boots do not suddenly become visible to the All Seeing Eye of Amber the Omniscient”. And also because the boots are always from somewhere like Topshop, or Dorothy Perkins, or some other high street store, and trust me, if THEY don’t still stock their own boots three years later, no one else will, either.
Because I am all about helping people, though, (Am benevolent Divine Being), I will generally try and suggest alternatives if I can think of any, before giving in and saying, “Dude: eBay.” (The ones who email me saying, “OK, I’m looking for thigh high boots that are purple with orange spots on, and come in a UK size 12 with a square toe, a heel that is exactly 4.2″ high, but which don’t look trashy, and are also really comfortable. Oh, and I’m a man, so they need to have extra-wide thighs. Where can I get them?”, on the other hand, I tend just to send directly to eBay. They should pay me commission).
So, the “where can I find X” emails, I don’t mind. After all, I know only too well what it’s like to find yourself desperately in need of a certain coat/shoe/dress/purse-shaped-like-a-bichon-frise, only to discover that you can’t find it anywhere. And when that happens, you will try anything, even emailing bloggers, if you think it will help light your path to The Prechus.
No, it’s the “I can’t tell the difference between someone selling an item and someone just writing about it” emails that bother me. The Fashion Police gets its fair share of these, but most of them come to Hey, Dollface, which, for the benefit of those of you not obsessively following my every move, is my beauty blog, which I use to review beauty products, write about beauty products I WANT to review, and generally worship at the altar of Sephora.
Now, back in March of this year, Heidi Klum released her own skincare line, and I totally bet she was up for weeks on end, mixing potions, gathering ingredients by the light of the full moon and chanting incantations over a cauldron, in order to produce a face cream that claims to make you look exactly like her. OK, not really, but that would’ve been a helluva lot more interesting than what I actually wrote about this event, which can be read here, but which basically says, “Heidi Klum has released a skincare line. There are face creams in it.”
(Incidentally, the only comment on that post is also good for a laugh if you’re bored.)
This morning, I received this email:
—–Original Message—–
From: XXXXXXX
Sent: 11 November 2008 01:16
To: Magic Amber
Subject: info commercial order
I ordered Heidi’s skin care line form an info commercial on Sunday October 25th 2008. The advertisement stated it was a rush delivery for no fee upgrade and would be delivered in 7-10 business day. It is now over two weeks since I ordered the product and I am still waiting for it. Please advise me on where my order is.
[Name removed to protect the guilty]
So, either this woman thinks I am Heidi Klum, in which case my life’s work is complete, or she thinks I can look inside the minds of the un-named company who sold her this product, and find out where her order is. And that I can do this without any other information whatsoever on this, not even an order number or anything. (I somehow doubt the company in question, whoever they are, only sold one product on Sunday, October 28th, and are able to track that product knowing only the name of the person who bought it). Because I am magic.
Of course, I replied to the email, letting the woman know that I have no freaking idea where her order is, or, indeed, why she’s even asking me about it, but I somehow doubt I’ve heard the last of this. After all, Thursday is a full moon, and you know what THAT normally means…
Seriously, though, I get this kind of thing ALL the time, along with slight variations on the theme, such as the company who are currently hell bent on trying to get me to bulk-buy “police gloves” from them, because they apparently believe The Fashion Police is a real police force, that is in need of gloves. Either I fail really badly at making it clear to readers that I am not a retailer/actual “police” officer, or a lot of people are… not all that bright.
I’ll let you decide which it is. In the meantime, I’m off to make myself a tinfoil helmet in preparation for Thursday’s full moon…
Tagged email fun, I am not a shop, magic amber
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