Does anyone else ever get that thing where you go somewhere in your car (the local mall, say) and when you come back a couple of hours later, it’s SO COLD both of the locks on your car doors have frozen solid? So solid that you can’t even get your key into either one of them, never mind prise the door open with your fingernails, like you did last time?
So you drop your bags, containing the shiny new bikini you just bought (because you are stupid, and therefore exactly the kind of person who goes out and buys BIKINIS in February. When it is snowing) on the frozen ground, and then you drop YOURSELF onto the frozen ground too, onto your knees, in fact, and you pray to the God of Cars. “Please GOC,” you say, “Let the doors be opened, because this car park is dark and cold and I’m all alone in it, except for the crazy old man who will surely turn up any second now to torment, and possibly kill me. Also, this new bikini won’t be much use in the snow.” Maybe you even say a few “Open Sesames” at this point, who knows.
But it doesn’t work. The doors remain resolutely frozen, and no matter how hard you pull and yell and try to force the key into them, they will not budge. But wait! Wait! There is a can of de-icer in the car boot! If only the lock on the boot will open for you! Oh, sweet, merciful Jesus, it WILL! And there is your de-icer! Hallelujah, you are SAVED!
So you skip like a lamb (albeit a clumsy lamb. That is wearing high heeled boots on an icy day.) back to the driver’s side door and you spray your de-icer like there is no tomorrow. You spray, and you spray, and then you spray a little more. And it does not work. The door is still frozen solid, so you mosey on round to the passenger door to try your luck there, casting furtive glances over your shoulder as you go, fully expecting to see a stooped and sinister shape shuffle into view in the deserted car park (did I mention that the car park is also pitch dark? And that soft flakes of snow have started to fall?) and start making its way towards you. “Ya’ll need some help there?” the stooped figure will ask (because in your foolish head, you are now apparently living in Hicksville, USA, as well as being stranded in a frozen car park in the dark), before bludgeoning you to death with the crowbar he was hiding up the back of his filthy trench coat the whole time. When your body is finally found, it will still be clutching the carrier bag containing the new bikini. It is a mystery that will puzzle your friends and family for months, until they finally remember that you always were a bit wrong in the head anyway.
Anyway.
You spray your de-icer on the passenger side door, to the point where you actually start to get high from the fumes. But the door does not open. So you shuffle back round to the driver’s side, and you rinse and you repeat. And then you do it again. And maybe once more for luck.
Finally, success! The passenger side door succumbs to your mighty efforts, so you throw your bags into the car, and you climb in, snagging your thigh really painfully on the handbrake as you do so, and making a mental note NOT to buy a coupe next time. Then you realise that, why, the snow that has fallen has formed a solid crust on all your windows, so you must get right back out again to scrape them!
First, you try opening the driver’s door from the inside, using the very scientific method of throwing your body against it like a lunatic in a padded cell. Needless to say, this makes absolutely NO DIFFERENCE to the door whatsoever, so you’re forced to once again climb across the central console, this time snagging your OTHER thigh really painfully on the handbrake. You spend a few unhappy minutes scraping down the car, and getting your coat soaked in the process, before repeating the whole process once again, with the passenger door and the handbrake. GOD.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking that after all of that, what would’ve been really funny would be if the car decided to pull its “stalling at low speeds” trick again on the way home. I thought so too. In fact, I thought of little else all the way home, but actually, after my ill-fated trip to the gym last week the car was sent to the naughty step, and has never done that again. In fact, if you asked it, I bet it would say it has NEVER done that, no siree!
I had to climb out of the passenger door when I got home, though. At least I will have matching bruises on both thighs. And hey, it is a really cute bikini!
Tagged car wars, the weather, Things I Bought
Although I didn’t mention it on this blog (because that would have made it REAL, and, well, I didn’t really want it to be), at the start of this year I realised I’d been just a little bit “spendy” lately, so I decided to make an effort to cut back on buying clothes. (Not shoes, though. One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to “buy more shoes” after all, and by God, I will do it if it kills me! Or if Terry kills me because of it, whichever comes first.)
I DID make the mistake of telling Terry about my resolution, though, and he made a little “we’ll see about that” noise and then suggested it might be “fun” if I tried to keep track of just how many clothes I DO buy this year. By that I think he meant it would be fun for him, because it would allow Mr “Three Monitors” Man over there to feel all superior about the fact that he DOESN’T buy too many clothes, just lots of monitors and stuff.
Anyway. Because I am stupid, I decided to take him up on his suggestion and I now present the list of Things I Bought in January:
3 pairs of shoes (WIN!)
1 dress
1 skirt
4 tops
And actually, I think this may turn out to be a counter-productive exercise, because when I see it all written down like that, it doesn’t really look too bad, does it? (Maybe I should try to spend MORE? Food for thought, there…) Especially when you consider that one pair of shoes was in the sale for £10, all of the tops were cheap basics, like long-sleeve t-shirts and vest/tunic things, that are actually essential to life.
All the same, resolution for February: buy less than that.
(Let’s just ignore the fact that yesterday? I went shopping. That doesn’t really count, though, because I only bought gym clothes and I HAD to buy gym clothes because I was in danger of being mistaken for a homeless person every time I tried to exercise.)
Also: it’s been snowing here for the past 24 hours now. I feel I have to mention this because it’s been more or less the only topic of conversation on Twitter and Facebook all day today, and I’m starting to feel left out because I’m apparently the only person in the world who doesn’t get super-excited by the snow. I hate the snow. It’s cold and wet and it makes driving dangerous, and when you work from home ANYWAY, you don’t even get a snow day. Bah, humbug.
Oooh, also: Terry has been giving the blog a bit of a facelift. Isn’t it pretty? Say it is pretty.
Tagged clothes, Things I Bought
So, a few weeks ago I became ever so slightly obsessed with a coat. As soon as I laid eyes on it I was all, “That coat will be mine!”, so what I did was, I did NOTHING. And it sold out. Everywhere. I know because I, er, emailed the manufacturer to beg them ask them if they’d be getting any more of them in.
“No coat!” said the manufacturer. “Cannot have! Sucks to be you! Ner-ner-ner-ner!”
Clearly, it was just not meant to be, so I decided to forget all about the coat, but before I did, I decided to search eBay obsessively for it, praying as I did so. And I found it! Only, not really, because the coat I found was one size bigger than the size I usually take.
“Will not buy,” I told myself firmly. “Stupid to even look at coat which will be too big. That way heartache lies. Will not even add to Watch List, so cannot be tempted!”
So I added The Coat to my Watch List.
A few days later, I checked up on it and lo! The Coat had now been bid up to an astronomical price – one that was, in fact, higher than it had sold for in the store. And sure, the coat was brand new with tags, but even so! Even so, people!
“Stupid!” I said smugly. “Idiots, bidding up Coat to crazy high price! Glad I’m having no part in that! Forgetting all about it now. Right now. Want, though!”
So I continued to watch the coat like a stalker.
“Buy coat,” said Terry. “I will give you difference between retail price and crazy inflated eBay price,” said Terry. “Then you will shut up about coat, OK?”
“Nooo!” said I. “Stupid to involve husband in buying of overpriced coat which, although crazy expensive is also investment, really. And actually, not that expensive, when you come to think of it. In fact, is still way less than most people pay for coats every day! OMG, is bargain!”
So, the coat arrived today. And yeah, it’s too big. And kind of completely different from how I was expecting it to look. I was thinking I could pad it out with jumpers, though, maybe carry Rubin around inside it in manner of kangaroo. Or I could just re-sell it. One thing is for sure, though: I am totally banning myself from buying things online now, because if I do decide to sell The Coat, it will be the eleventy-first thing I’ve had to return this week month alone on account of it not fitting right, and that? Is seriously starting to get on my nerves. I mean, I seem to spend all of my time trailing to the post office and I hate it at the post office.
[photo removed because I realised it's a full moon tonight and my skin is too thin to post photos of myself on the internet when there's a full moon - d'oh!]
Oh, and the “cautionary tale” referenced in the title? Avoid the internet when buying your clothes. Seriously.
Tagged coats, ebay, Outfits, Things I Bought
So, for the past couple of years, Terry and I have been doing our grocery shopping online, and having it delivered. Because we are lazy, basically. And actually, I say, “Terry and I”, but really, Terry does ALL of it by himself. That’s how lazy I am, and why, to this day, my parents thank their lucky stars each night that they somehow managed to pay him enough to take me of their hands.
Anyway, we get the shopping delivered, and this not only helps us in our quest to never leave the house, ever, it also helps us avoid The Others, who are always at their absolute worst at the supermarket, indulging in their usual behaviour of stopping randomly in the middle of aisles without warning, wielding screaming children like weapons, ramming shopping carts into the back of your legs, that sort of thing. Basically, the supermarket is like the seventh circle of hell to us, and that’s why we get the shopping delivered. That and the fact that I have that rare, incurable condition that forces me to buy a new pair of shoes or item of clothing every time I go near an actual shop. But I digress.
For most of the time we’ve been having the shopping delivered, we’ve been having it delivered by Asda. (Asda being Wal*Mart, for the benefit of those of you in the States) We’ve had a few brief flirtations with Tesco, but it’s just never really worked out with them for various reasons that are too boring to go into here. Yes, even more boring than an entire blog entry about grocery shopping. Look, I don’t get out much, OK?
For the most part, Asda have been OK at delivering our shopping. Sure, they’ve messed up. There was that time they brought us someone else’s shopping, and gave someone else most of our shopping, for instance. There was that other time they… did exactly the same thing. There have been times when they’ve forgotten things, brought things we didn’t order (if anyone needs a pack of baby wipes and some allergy tablets, by the way, we got them in stock. We’re keeping the 12 pack of quilted loo roll though. Swanky!), and just basically sucked, to be honest, but we have kept with them because, well, it’s better the devil you know, sometimes, and also because they do a really nice turkey and stuffing sandwich filler that I really like.
This month, though, Asda randomly decided to start sucking big time. They mostly did this by just not bothering to turn up when they said they would, leaving us starving to death and gnawing the furniture in hunger until they finally rolled up. Then on Friday? They just didn’t turn up at all. AT ALL, people. Of course, Terry called them. They apologised and said they’d bring us our shopping on Saturday afternoon instead. Then they just didn’t bother with that, either. So Terry called them again. “Sunday!” said Asda. “We will bring your shopping on Sunday! Until then, we will stick it in the freezer and hope it doesn’t reach its sell-by date in the meantime!” Actually, they didn’t say that last bit, but that IS what they did – we could tell by the way all the food was FREEZING COLD, and about to go out of date.
Not that we got the food when they said we would, mind you. Oh, they did turn up that time, which was very nice of them. But they only brought half our shopping with them. The rest, they said, would be right along – in fact, was leaving the store on a van RIGHT THAT SECOND! The store is a 20 minute drive from our house. (Told you we were lazy). It took them two and a half hours, and OK, they did send us a huge box of Quality Street by way of apology, but it was too late because by then I’d eaten the dog. Sorry, Rubin.
Yes, you’re right, we should totally just have jumped in the car and gone and picked up the shopping ourselves, only we couldn’t because a) lazy! b) we’d already paid for it, and it was on a van in some unspecified location and c) still lazy! So, basically, our ENTIRE WEEKEND was spent sitting around the house waiting for our time-saving online grocery delivery. Top tip: NEVER DO THAT. Try Tesco. Because even if they don’t have the turkey stuffing sandwich filler, they can’t possibly suck that hard, can they?
Tagged Rants, Things I Bought
Hey, fellow UK residents, remember “summer”? It was this hot, sunny thing we used to get, long, long ago? No? Not ringing a bell? I think I can just about remember it if I try really hard, but the memories are fading. Actually, I’m pretty sure that at some point in the future, when we talk to kids born in the UK in the 21st century about “summer”, they’ll just laugh at us and call us rude names, because it’ll totally sound like we’re remembering some ancient, possibly mythical thing. Like unicorns, maybe. Or the black Michael Jackson.
Which sucks, really.
Anyway, last week, I started receiving press releases telling me that now that summer is almost over, it’s time for me to start thinking about Halloween and – oh God – Christmas. Christmas. And I REFUSE to start thinking about these things. I WILL NOT, and they can’t make me. But I will indulge the senders of these doom-laden press releases (“NEWS FLASH: TIME MOVES ON! WHOOO, SCARY!”) by buying myself some new coats for Autumn. Just, you know, to be prepared, and not AT ALL because I’m a shopaholic who just can’t seem to stop herself, seriously.
(Yeah, this is another entry about my clothes, by the way. Sorry about that. I AM a fashion blogger, though, so I guess it is to be expected…)
In preparation for the approaching Autumn (BOO! HISS!) I have bought, not one, but two new coats. Which makes me happy. Not as happy as it would make me if someone figured out a way to reverse time and make it so that summer actually happened this year, but happy none the less. Here is the first one, which – shockhorror! – is not black:
Obviously, with this coat – in fact, with both of them – I’m going to have to either pretend we live in a warmer climate than we actually do, or just accept that it’ll be too cold to wear it without multiple layers underneath by mid-October. But look! Swirly skirt!
Here is the second coat, which IS black. Because I cannot seem to stop myself buying this stuff.
The photos don’t do this coat justice at all, because it’s too dark to see the details… Anyway, it’s a rainproof material, and it has these cute little puffy shoulders and a big stand up collar, which I like, because it makes me feel a bit like Elizabeth I, and I’m all about the drama. (“No!” I hear you exclaim in amazement…)
Clearly, this year’s theme is big, swishy skirts with pockets cut into the seams, and standy-up collars. Which is fun, you know, but not nearly as much fun as SUMMER would have been. I miss it. I miss it so, so much. Today, when I was out mowing the lawn (fun factor: 0) I realised we haven’t had our wooden picnic table and chairs, which we got for our wedding, out AT ALL this year. Last year we got it out once, but it rained that day, so it doesn’t really count. And then it rained for the next two months. Annoying!
At least I’m prepared on the coat front, though. Whew!
Tagged coats, Outfits, Things I Bought
|
|
|
