me on symon25/1/88

Not too good a day today. The work at school was really boring and I only got 1 out of 4 in a maths test. [Maths: the absolute bane of my life…] Luna asked me to sit beside beside her at television* today. She said to me:

“Its very nice to have you as a friend Amber because quite a few people don’t like you because they say your a snob. I always make a point of being friends with people nobody really likes.”

Well! As you can can imagine this really upset me. Nobodys over friendly with me but they don’t act as if they hate me, Thats all except Lucy, who does her best to be unpleasant, and Regina, who does HER best to make me jealous of her pony. Regina chatted on about horses to Miss R and made me feel awful as everyone in the class now thinks of Regina as the horse lover, whereas they used to used to think of me as it. Earlier in the day Miss R (my teacher) kept shouting at me because I got a fact wrong at progect [The spelling of the word ‘project’, perhaps?] and to top it all she’s given us homework which 1) I dont understand and 2) I don’t know whether its to be handed in for Tuesday or Wednesday. I phoned up Luna and she says its for Wednesday so if its really for Tuesday and I get into a row I’ll just say that I ‘phoned Luna and she said it was for Wednesday.

Anyway. I’ve had a pretty depressing day as you probably guessed and writing about it has just made me realise what an awful day its been. Swimming and riding tomorrow so I’ll end this long story to go and get my swimming kit ready.

Amber Louise McNaught

I’ll write tomorrow if I remember.

the people no one likes  *   *   *

First of all: LOL at me thinking THAT was a “long story”. Oh, just wait until you start blogging, young Padawan!

Secondly, ‘Television’ was basically when the teacher wanted a break, or ran out of things to do with us, and so she’d sit us down in front of something “educational” on TV. If we were really lucky, we might get something like The Never Ending Story, instead – which was ALSO quite educational, now I come to think of it…

As for the teacher herself, ‘Miss R’ doesn’t get an entry in the cast list, because I don’t think she appears again after this, but she was the most hated teacher in the school, and her nastiness was the stuff of legends. Miss R was most noteable for her open hatred of:

a) Children

and 

b)

Teaching

I really wanted to like her because she was a fellow horse lover (Well, I SAY that: I’m not sure Miss R was actually capable of love, so maybe just a horse tolerator?), who used to drive to school in a horsebox – yes, really – and who once arrived with straw in her hair. I thought this was way cool, obviously, but Miss R hated me as much as she hated the rest of my class, and so I was absolutely terrified of her. This was a strange situation for me to be in, because teachers had always liked me up until then (this was one of the many reasons my fellow students hated me, of course), and no one in a position of authority had EVER shouted at me in my entire life, so when Miss Rose would do it, I would basically want to die. 

This diary entry, marks a seminal moment in my young life. I’m not really sure why I was so surprised to be told I wasn’t well liked, because I feel like I’d ALWAYS known that (I MUST have, surely?), but I guess I’d maybe convinced myself I was just imagining it, and that they probably DID like me, really. I dwelt on Luna’s comment for literally YEARS: I would re-play it in my head every so often, and use it as “evidence” that I was, at heart, just an un-likeable person, and that no matter what I did, I would always be the outcast. If I’m honest, I still feel like that now, a lot of the time: and I also still relate to the obsessive fretting over things like when the homework had to be handed in, and what would happen if I got it wrong. I would worry myself sick over things like that: I’m guessing that, in this case, I probably couldn’t have asked Miss R herself, because she’d just have shouted at me even MORE, and I didn’t trust the rest of the class not to lie to me just to get me into trouble, so it was a bit of a pickle, really. 

And you know what? Her name was Miss Rose. And I don’t care if she reads this.*

(*I REALLY hope she never reads this, because that woman was SCARY.)

 *   *  *

[This post was part of my Secret Diary project: go here to read more about it!]
9 Comments
  1. Oh god, it’s like reliving my school years as a red head (which I always wanted to be because I had mousey brown blah hair and I would have LOVED to have been a red head or anything other blah!)

  2. As a teacher myself, I will never get how people who does not like children enroll the educational field. It is like being diabetic and just saying “you know what? I want to become a cake tester”. C´mon! I had colleagues like that in the past, and it is still amazing me the degree of thoughtlessness they showed on their everyday duties. It was plainly frustrating to me, specially considering the human resources responsible didn´t seem to notice at all (or maybe she did, but she simply didn´t care too much about it, which makes it all even worse). Somehow, they behaved like bullies rather than teachers, which completely reinforced child-bullies to keep annoying classmates.

    Sorry for my bad English, I am not a native speaker.

  3. Ugh, I’ve written this comment three times already. I don’t know how to say it so that it actually sounds like I care properly (and not in a plasticised internet way), but I’m really sorry that happened to you. I know time and growing up and finding people who actually do like you helps a lot, but those things still rankle years later.

    Thanks for growing up to be a pretty awesome human being, and thanks for having the courage to share all this with us! I don’t comment very often, but I really love reading your blog. I feel privileged to be able to read your stories and laugh with you and admire your amazing style.

    1. Aww, thank you so much, that really means a lot to me! I think it was only really when I started blogging (or livejournaling) that I really felt like I’d found my “people”, so I’m grateful that some of them are willing to read this stuff!

  4. For me, too, reading your diary entries conjures up memories of my own childhood. I never felt very well liked, either, and mostly just focused on doing really well in school as a coping mechanism (which obviously didn’t help with my popularity because the class geek and the class president are hardly ever one in the same). I am truly sorry that any of this ever happens to any kid, because as you’ve admitted (and I well know, speaking for myself), these things do continue to haunt us, chipping away at our confidence. Sometimes it takes years for us to realize that we’ve allowed the thoughtless words and/or actions of someone control how we act and feel about ourselves.

  5. This post was gave me the feels. The juxtaposition of such a straight forward account from child amber and the actual situation 🙁 I went through a bit of the same thing when I had to beg my “friends” to hang out with me again in third grade. I don’t know you in real life, but Internet amber is hilarious and very likable!

    1. It’s so funny to me to see how matter-of-fact I was in my reporting of it, when I know the reality was sleepless nights and a HUGE amount of trauma. But in my diaries I’m basically all, “Got bullied at school. OMGPONIES! PONIES! PONIES!”

  6. I would re-play it in my head every so often, and use it as “evidence” that I was, at heart, just an un-likeable person, and that no matter what I did, I would always be the outcast.

    It’s strange how these things stay with you. When I started ‘dating’ my first boyfriend at secondary school, a friend of mine wrote him a letter to tell him how nobody actually liked me and they all just tolerated me. I remember how bewildered he was, showing me the letter. I was so terrible with people that I just let it slide and never said anything, because being tolerated and living in denial was at least better than everyone confirming what my friend had said and telling me they didn’t like me to my face, leaving me completely alone. I was so angry myself at what a doormat I was being. It made me stop trusting people as friends and I never got that back.

  7. I feel really sorry for what you had to endure during your childhood. As for what Luna said, it might be her naivety that made she think it was OK to say that, not knowing that it might hurt and haunt the other end.

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